Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 in Review

What a year. What a crazy friggin year.

It started normal enough last January. Birthdays came and went. The first few months of the year sailed by. Then came April.

April is when my marriage started to unravel. Well, actually, it was before that, but that's when things took a turn for the much worse. We tried counseling. I tried to find the love I had had for him previously. It just wasn't there. I couldn't find it. September brought everything crashing down. He kicked me out. It was over.

In the meantime, I really started to find myself again. Who I was 16 years ago, only older and wiser. Well, older anyway. But, my creativity came back. But fun came back. My zest for life came back. I'm still shedding the cocoon, but its going away. And I'm really enjoying becoming a butterfly.

October brought a new job. November brought new friends. November brought Finn.

Now, as Christmas has come and gone, quietly slipping by not unlike any other day, I sit and reflect upon the changes. My kids have noticed that mommy's happier. I've noticed that I'm happier. Even at work, people have noticed a change from when I first started. My friends online have noticed the change. And some are so happy to be there to watch it. And you know what? I'm glad that they're there as well.

So, let's raise a glass to 2009. Here's to a new year! CHEERS!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

On Being an Ass

Finn apologized. Twice. Actually used the word sorry in one apology. I felt like an ass for thinking him a jerk. He's really not.

And then, at 12:30 am, I yelled at the Princess for not being asleep yet. She bawled her eyes out for that. So I sat at the kitchen table and bawled mine out.

Chalk the night up to being an ass. Biggest one possible. Seriously.

For some reason, I got a creative streak through all of this. This is what happened:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660906/, http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660904/, and http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660900/. I have no idea where that came from!

So, I should really try and sleep. Although I don't feel like it. I sleep like crap when not at Finn's.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Venting

Instead of a haunting, this is a venting.

Men suck.

Children that won't go to sleep suck.

Being bone tired sucks.

Yes, Finn is being a brat. He pissed me off before. Since he was having a bad day, I had called with the intention of making him feel better, and he chewed me out. And then hung up on me. And now, ignoring me. Sort of. I swear, if he were here, I would smack him upside the head. I don't need this shit. Seriously.

The Princess is refusing to go to sleep. Yes, it is almost midnight. Yes, she has been awake since 8:30 this morning. Yes, she has been complaining that she was tired all day. Why is she still awake?

And I'm exhausted. I want to go to bed. But, I can't before she does. And, I need to clean up before I go to bed. And, I need to find my bed, since Little Man is asleep on the one I use when they're here. So that means I have to clean up my room from them playing in there today. And I won't be able to sleep until I know things are cool between Finn and me.

Fuck this Saturday night. Fuck everything.

Santa Rides Again

So, we told the kids that Santa visited last night because Mommy called him to tell him they wouldn't be here till the weekend. It worked. They bought it. And they opened gifts this morning. It was great. They also opened gifts from Santa last night. For those, we told them that Santa got my message late and came anyway. They bought that too. Amazing. Little kids are so gullible!

They loved everything that Santa got them. They both loved the hat and scarf that I made for them. Right now, they are quietly coloring and watching Spongebob. This is bliss. We're all still in our P.J.'s. I'm blogging and uploading pics while drinking coffee and they're playing with their new things. This is Christmas. This is what it's about.

In a little while, we're going to make cupcakes. Its kind of rainy and crappy outside and I'm sure we're all cookied out. Cupcakes should prove to be a nice change. We'll see how it goes.....

Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Everything

That should cover it. Solstice, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, etc....

So, I had a nice, quiet Christmas day with Finn. I had made dinner last night, we had leftovers this morning and then he made breakfast for dinner tonight. I then came home to see my mom and her boyfriend for the holiday and to make the kids' gifts. Now, I'm just waiting to rinse my hair (I got some highlighting dye and this is the first chance I've gotten to do it). So, I'm chowing down on cookies that were sent by a realllllly good friend. And they're absolutely yummy!

Gifts made for this year: Finn's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3134036398/, Princess' http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137733728/ and Little Man's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137734070/.

I am a bit upset at Xman this evening. What was a fine day otherwise, he had to ruin it with his snark. I had worked the overnight shift from Tuesday into Wednesday morning. Came home, got only about three hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was exhausted last night and slept all Christmas morning (which is probably some of the reason I'm awake now). I got a text saying that I must be too busy to wish the kids Merry Christmas. So, for the following hours, I tried to get a hold of him to no avail. I couldn't understand why he would give me shit and then torture me by ignoring me all day. This makes me nervous for tonight as they don't have day care today. He has yet to answer my two requests to where I am to pick them up.

Poor Finn got the pissy text from me. I was so ready to throw something or hit something. Instead, I text (I'm afraid to hit anything as I believe I fractured something in my hand last time I did just that). A few minutes after doing so, I felt bad and apologized. He told me that I can vent to him anytime. That meant so much to me.

Please tell me to stop eating cookies.


Time to rinse out my hair and go to bed. My brain is about mush. It's been an emotional day. This weekend should prove to lift my spirits at least.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Well, the potty training experiment failed miserably yesterday. Two accidents within an hour. And he didn't care. We then went to get my hair cut and to pick up supplies to bake cookies, so I threw a diaper on him. We'll try again today. :)

We made cookies yesterday and this morning. So many friggin cookies. I promised some to work, some to Finn, plenty to go home with the kids and some to stay here for Mom. There are dozens of cookies everywhere. I have three bags full, a plate full for here and two plates for work.

Don't ask me why I baked so much. I just got started and couldn't stop. There's chocolate chip, chocolate with milk chocolate/white chocolate chips, sugar with colored nonpareils, and mini M&M's. And each of them is delicious in their own way.

Got the kiddos dressed. Means I get to do a load of laundry now. I also have a sewing project to get to. Tonight, I stop at Home Depot and pick up wire to make Finn's gift. I tried yesterday with some scrap wire I had (made my own rings). Came out really cool! On the top is a Celtic star and on the bottom is a Byzantine chain. The star I'm making for Finn will be bigger. Definitely. Those rings I made last night were tiny.

UPDATE: Within 10 minutes of placing big-boy undies on Little Man, he peed. Didn't even realize it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Growing Up

My Little Man is wearing big-boy undies.


I'm very upset at this. He's my baby at 3. I only have two and he's it.

He's actually going to be 4 in a few months. Up until now, he has refused to potty train. It's not because he's not ready, it's because he knows that if he doesn't wear a diaper, he'll have to cease playing so he can go to the bathroom. To me, that's a pretty smart kid to have figured that out.

Thursday, when I picked them up for dinner, their day care person and I were discussing this. She suggested that I get Little Man some undies and just let him wear them. So, last night, we picked up some big-boy undies. I let him pick out what he wanted. And now he has them on. Been a half hour and so far, so good.

But, *sniff*, my Little Man is growing up.....

Friday, December 12, 2008

Made it Through

Well, the snarkiness is gone. By yesterday morning, I felt much better. Maybe there's something in getting a good night's sleep. I had taken some sleeping pills Wednesday night, and then slept in a little bit on Thursday. Possibly that had something to do with it.

I am so happy. I have found a kindred spirit at work. We've been comparing our obsessive compulsive tendencies the past couple of days. We shared a snarky day on Wednesday. Its quite fun to know that I'm not alone in the nastiness nor the way that I tend to obsess over the stupidest things.

For instance, when I open a bag of M&M's, I have to sort them by color and then eat them from most of a color to least. Don't ask me why. And if someone happens by and steals one, they have to steal in order. Finn stole one out of order last night and I nearly had a heart attack. He laughed at me and then I laughed at myself. But seriously, this is a tragedy. Why does he not understand that M&M's need to be taken in order? Grrrrrrrrrrr.

And then, when I'm loading the dishwasher, silverware has to be grouped together. Forks need to live with other forks and spoons with other spoons, etc. If this does not happen, I will re-organize the dishwasher. Yes, folks, I will seriously rearrange the dirty silverware. Think about this one, though - it makes unloading that much easier because these items are already sorted! And the dishes, well, like dishes need to go together. Duh!

Making the bed? Covers have to be even on both sides. If they're not, the bed is messy and needs to be redone.

But, my friend at work understands this! We were discussing it again today. Finn overhead us and just shook his head. I love this! It makes me feel less like a freak! I mean, I'm a goof, but that I can live with. Being a freak is just odd. I've embraced being a nut. I've embraced being a goof. But, I just cannot embrace being a freak. And knowing I'm not the only one who tends to have obsessive compulsive tendencies means I am not a freak!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Every Other Month

I don't usually like to discuss my womanly matters, but I feel the need to right now.

Every other month, I get really manic with my PMS symptoms. I mean, one minute, I'm crying and the next I'm hysterically laughing. Throw in there a bit psychotic and we're good to go!

I don't know where this stems from. I mean, it's not every month. It's every other. And it lasts for about 48 hours during the last seven days before things begin. Doesn't make any sense. During the months that this doesn't happen, I'm fine - you wouldn't even know that I was PMS-ing.

And tonight at work, we have the unsuspecting customer that has no idea the psycho he's about to encounter. The one who ordered three.slices.of.turkey. Yes, just three slices. And nothing else. I had the good sense not to laugh in the guy's face. Three slices...who does that?

And then I have Finn. Poor guy. He was with me last month during this time. It was a month that was normal. No symptoms. No psychosis. Heck, it was such a surprise for both of us! But, he took it in stride (comes from being raised by mom and having a sister), even went to my car and got my supplies that I keep there just in case. I was floored. And touched. And, well, you know...

But, tonight while at work, he heard and saw the full brunt of my Every Other Month. Granted, he was in the department next to mine, but he could see the muttering. He caught me off guard when I came back from using the bathroom (I actually went to cry for a minute). He saw my eyes and grew very concerned. So after that, he made it a point to make me laugh. When we were going to go punch out, he tickled me all the way down the aisle. Out the door, in fact. He got me laughing.

When we were outside saying good night, he kept asking me if I was going to be OK. Of course, this makes me tear up. I cannot say for certain why this happened (part of it is knowing that he's truly worried about me), but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I had to keep looking up at the sky to keep from crying! And here, I was worried about him because his sugar count was really low (he's diabetic). I am so not used to this!

So now I have a quiet night at home. A load of laundry is already in the dryer. I have made and eaten dinner. Having a slice of carrot cake now. Trying hard not to think about Finn because if I think of him, I start to miss him. I should just pack it in and go to bed...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Freaking Out

I willingly volunteered my time at work tomorrow to receive two extra hours. I then accepted an invitation to finish watching a movie after I drop the kids off tomorrow night.

What was I thinking?

I have a cape to finish and a hoodie to finish. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield finished results so the hoodie will be mailed next Monday.

I also have two holiday gifts to make. One for Finn and one for the Elf. I need to order gifts for the kids. Wait, who am I kidding, I need to shop for them first! At least Mom is taken care of thanks to a trade with the Elf.

Why do I do this to myself? Every year, I go through the same thing. I mean, due to personal and financial circumstances, I had to put off the cape and hoodie until the last minute. But the gifts? I could've started those earlier. Oh, wait, who am I kidding? I just got the supplies for one a week ago and I just figured out today for the other.

Right now, I'm waiting for sleep to overtake my body. I'm tired, but I'm just not tired. Although, if I gave my brain a chance, I could probably sleep. I need to sleep. It's one o'clock in the morning. I need to get up in five hours for work. At least I was smart and packed a change of clothes already and laid out my uniform for work. So even if I get up at seven, I won't be too late!

*bangs head against the wall*

Monday, December 8, 2008

Holiday Season

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm Bored

So I'm Googling images of my favorite Lord of the Rings character. As portrayed by Orlando Bloom. I don't know what it is, but he is so friggin hot in this movie. Maybe because I love elves and fairies and such. Although, I do remember from reading the books that I was particular to Frodo for some reason.

But after seeing the trilogy......

It's Legolas all the way. Mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yummy.

Little Man

My Little Man is going to be the class clown. I can tell this already. Two things he did just today that proves this:

1) We had to go to the grocery store to pick up the fixings for turkey soup (sort of like stone soup, but without the stones). Of course, we went to the store that I work at. We ran into people I know. One of my friends was talking to me and proceeded to call me a goof. Little Man overheard this, turned to his sister and promptly called her a goof. I cracked up and zoomed them around in their car cart.

2) Just now, I am listening to a random mix of music on the laptop. "When I See You Smile" by Bad English played. One the first verse of the song, Little Man proceeds to sing along after the fact, like an echo. This.is.just.awesome.

I do apologize, but I just had to write that down so it wasn't forgotten somewhere in the vast space that is my brain. :)


I've got my babies this weekend. They're finally feeling better. I'm still fighting, but it's pretty much my voice that I've been fighting with.

We're going grocery shopping today. Woo hoo. Just what I want to do...spend time at the store when I don't have to work. Then I think I'll take them over to Goodwill. The Princess has been weaning off her blankie and I want to get her a little something for doing so well.

Tomorrow, while it's snowing and raining, we will make turkey soup. With veggies and barley and rice. And there will be more than enough to share with the people I care about. Everyone could use some homemade turkey soup this time of year!

Right now, Little Man and I are enjoying a bowl of Raisin Bran and watching Spongebob. The Princess is still sleeping, but I'll be getting her up soon enough. I like to enjoy this time with my Little Man. He and I don't get time with each other much at all. So, Spongebob and cereal mornings are perfect!

New Friends

I ended up hanging with a new friend for Thanksgiving. Well, actually, we went out the night before (got a pretty healthy buzz going), I had to work Thanksgiving morning and then he came over for turkey. He helped me fix dinner - wouldn't let me say no if I tried. In fact, I did try, but he just wouldn't sit and stay still. He even contributed a dish to the meal!

I sliced the middle finger on my left hand pretty good while cutting the yams. Finn followed me down the hall to the bathroom where I had immediately stuck my hand under cold running water. He then went back to the kitchen and promptly grabbed a paper towel. After evaluating the cut and determining that it was not quite bad enough for a trip to the ER, he had me wrap my finger with the towel and told me to put constant pressure on it and hold it above my head. He then walked with me back to the kitchen where he told me to sit for 15 minutes while he continued to prepare the yams (he had already sliced the potatoes). He would not let me move for the entire 15 minutes and kept checking my finger for blood loss.

He took care of me! :D

Oh, and the finger is sore, but fine. No stitches were needed. Just a band-aid to keep the cut closed; without the bandage, it keeps getting pulled open.

Yes, we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Hence the reason I am no longer on line much anymore. Hence the lack of posting to my diary. But, I'm happy. He makes me happy. He challenges me. And I like that.

What else do I like? The fact that when we're at work together, I will look over at him and catch him looking at me. And rather than shy away, he'll catch my gaze back and smile. If he's in a different department, he'll make a point to come where I am and say good bye when his shift is over.

We share a lot of interests, but have enough that we're different. But, he's artistic and creative and interesting. I find myself intrigued by him. He tells me a lot, but there's so many layers to him that I've only begun to scratch the surface.

He concerns himself with my needs and feelings. I'm not used to this. We go out. In public. Every week. And yet, we can have just as much fun just staying in and watching a DVD. We make each other laugh.

I didn't expect this. I didn't start my job looking to start to care about someone. I expected to meet people, maybe hang out. But finding one person in particular? And so soon? Never thought it would happen. But, I'm not questioning it. I'm taking each day as it happens.

And if each of those days can be happy, well, all the better. :P

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Things are going well right now. I've met a wonderful new friend. I'm picking up all kinds of hours at work. Mom and I have struck an agreement with my living situation (rent makes things so much better). Kids are feeling better and are doing wonderful. And there's this strange feeling I have....

I'm happy.

When is this going to implode?

I swear. I'm not allowed to feel this happy. Something is going to happen. Something is lurking around the corner and waiting to kill my happiness.

Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I feel I deserve this happiness?

Dammit. One day at a time. I deserve this.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


It's so hard to make a decision that involves your children.

I am faced with the dilemma today of visiting with them tonight or letting them go home with Xman to rest. The Princess has been very sick this week. I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. Little Man was sick the week before. I am now getting whatever it is that they've had.

Question is, though, do I pick them up and take them out to McDonald's tonight? Do they really need to be running around on the playground?

I have nothing else going on. If I don't pick them up, I'm coming home from work and having a date with my book and bed. Maybe, possibly, quite later, hanging at a friend's for the final installment of Lord of the Rings. But I would do that regardless of whether I have the kids or not.

My mind says that I should just let them go to Xman's house for rest and that I'll see them next week when we're all better. My heart is telling me that I need to see them. Because I miss them horribly. But, then my mind tells my heart that I'm being selfish. That they need rest to get better.

This really sucks.

Monday, November 17, 2008

So Excited

My friend Catherine is coming up from West Chester to spend the day with me in New Hope! I'm meeting her at Starbucks and then we're going to browse the great little artsy shops there.

New Hope is such an awesome, quirky little town. You can pretty much do anything; be anybody and you're accepted. This is why it's awesome.

If I could afford it, I'd live there permantly. But, I'll live with visiting and hanging. Which, I'll be doing today and tonight!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Just Cut My Own Hair

I got so sick of it being in my face and not wanting to do anything when I try to style it.

So, I wet it, combed it, pulled it in random lengths from my head and......


And, if I do say so myself, it doesn't look horrible. :)

I Don't Get It

Why do pharmaceutical companies think that making a product that counteracts what it's for so effectively that it puts you to sleep is OK?

I have vertigo. The meds for it is meclizine which is Dramamine. I take the dose I'm supposed to and next thing I know, it's two hours later! I mean, what happened to being able to function?! I wanted something to stop the dizzy feelings, not knock me the heck out!

I can be at work and doze off standing up. I fall asleep eating dinner.

I'm starting to think I have a sleeping disorder!

No amount of caffeine fixes this. I've tried. It does make me a cheap date, though...one drink/beer and I'm already buzzed!

Makes concentration next to impossible. All I can think of is sleeping. Where, when. It totally bites. Especially during this time of year...my busiest. Even without the orders, I'm super busy with making gifts. On the plus side, gifts have been pared down to less than half this year. Just the kids, my mom and a couple of friends. That's it.

So, while I type this babble nonsense, I'm thinking about how I can get away with sleeping another hour....




A guy that I work with (and have gone out with a couple of times now) has brandings. They are symbols with different meanings. I don't know what meanings they are yet, but I will find out over time.

I have never met someone who has had this done. Generally, my friends have had tattoos and/or piercings. I, myself, have five tattoos and eight piercings (including my ears). I am itching for another tattoo and have started thinking about another piercing. And now my curiosity is piqued regarding branding.

I understand that throughout history, it has been used in a variety of situations from slaves to fraternities. The Nazis used it in the camps. But, it is also a legitimate form of voluntary body modification and self-expression. There are several techniques for scarification, but the one I'm interested in learning about is branding. This is the one done with heating up a metal shape and burning it into your skin.

To me, this does not sound comfortable.

But, then again, piercings and tattoos aren't exactly a walk in the park. And I'm getting more of them done.

I guess that like any other form of body modification, branding has special meaning for each symbol or picture. I know my tats have special meaning for me. Each one its own story. I'm sure that branding or cutting is the same.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and get branded. Um....no thanks. But, for the sake of my new friend, I'd like to learn more about this.

If nothing else, I'll be more educated!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Five Year Olds

Fighting with your five year old is so much fun. Especially when they're not feeling well.

I didn't realize it would take two hours to get ready to go to the store for milk.

I shut the TV. I made them clean up their toys (the five year old and her three year old brother). Neither did any good.

She wanted me to get her dressed. Um, what? She's been dressing herself since she was two.

Take some ibuprofen? I had to pour it down her throat. She had a little fever and needed it.

I'm not doing to hot today and this is just the icing on the cake. I'm tired beyond belief and I've had to take medicine of my own for my head spinning. They're fighting. And whining. And I hate weekends like this. I don't get a whole lot of time with them and its weekends like this that make me feel horrible.

Week Ending 11.15.08


So busy this week! Between working and hanging with new friends, I've barely had time to keep up with the old! Telephone seems to be the new favored mode of communication rather than convos or the thread. I don't mind. It is nice to put voices to the people after all this time.

I'm feeling better as far as the vertigo goes. I have gone through my prescription meds and am now just purchasing Dramamine over the counter. Of course, I have to take a higher dose because it's not prescription, but it does work. Makes me very sleepy, though. But, at least I'm not falling over! :)

I did add two new listings to the shop this week:
One of the pictures for the hoodie is for a special treasury. VickiDianeDesigns creates treasuries that show the person behind the art. And then, the picture, of course. I'm slowly adding pictures to my shop. I have so many, that it seems as though I have an endless supply of inventory!

Things are busy right now. I finished one custom order and have three more to do. Today, I'll be taking the kids shopping for fabric (of course, I promised the Princess she could pick out fabric for her holiday dress). I have to make a hoodie, a tank top and a cape. The tank top needs to be completed first and then the other two. And I still have to create things for Christmas for my own gifts! I have ideas for some people (and Mom's present is in creation, but I'm not making that), but I have no idea what to get for others. I hate this time of year.

Work is going well. I'm fitting right in with my department. The work isn't so bad and the people are great that I work with. Well, most anyway, but that's normal. We laugh a lot, which is good. It makes the day go faster. I'm still looking for more stable full-time work, but in the meantime, this isn't bad. I'll probably even stay on after I find a full-time job.

That's about it. My life is busy, but I don't have a whole lot of happenings. Is that sad or what?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

New Section

I've a new section in my shop. To which, I have added two listings. This is new for me. I'm nervous about this new venture, but excited as well.


Come on over and visit me!

Picture for Poll

I'm running a blog poll. This is the picture for it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


At the urging of a good friend, I have decided to try and sell prints of the pictures I take while out on my runs.

I'm a bit nervous about this.

Although I enjoy sharing my photos on Flickr, it's a whole other ballgame to try and sell what you love. I felt this same way the first time I sold one of my halters.

These are the first four I'm going to start with. The upper left was taken in Lambertville, NJ, of the bridge going in to New Hope, PA. The upper right was just outside Stockton, NJ, and shows the tow path bridge and Route 29 bridge. Lower left is in Centre Bridge, PA, under the bridge to Stockton, NJ. And the bottom right was taken in North East, MD, at the community park on a visit at the beginning of September.

I will offer different print sizes and have them printed professionally (obviously, the watermark will not be printed.

What do you think of this start?

Sunday, November 2, 2008


What should've taken me no more than two days to finish has taken me over two weeks! Darn this vertigo!

But, it's done, and I like it! Haven't taken "formal" listing pictures yet, but here's what I have for viewing:


Hope you like!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Thoughts While Waiting for the Dryer

Waiting for the dryer to dry my pants that I want to wear. Oh, and the hoodie too. Need to go to Walmart (yes, I shop here. So shoot me.) and then I'd like to go for a short run. But that's only because I haven't been all week. And I'm feeling blah from eating and not being active.

These pills are kicking my ass up one side and down the other. Bonus? I'm not falling down. The con? I'm falling asleep while standing. Guess one can't have everything.

Trick or treating last night was fun. The kids looked great! Princess' costume looked beautiful on her and fit her really well. Little Man looked adorable as a punkin. I picked them up from day care and brought them back to the house. I changed my shoes for my boots (I dressed up, too) and grabbed my cape. Got make up on Princess (she wanted glitter) and Little Man (green for the punkin stem) and away we went. X-Man drove his truck down into town. And we walked around together. The kids made out like bandits! The great thing about going later is that everyone is so exhausted that you get even more candy! Mommy got some too!

Here's a pic of the three of us: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2991010060/.

After we got done with trick or treating, X-Man took me and the kids to Friendly's. Poor Princess, though. She's had a cough for a couple of days. Last night, it was bad (guess the chilly weather did her in). Well, she ate dinner, had a cup of strawberry milk and started coughing. Next thing we know, she's throwing up. Everywhere. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for the other patrons in the restaurant. We were able to get her cleaned up. Got her costume off (poor thing, got it all over her). We apologized profusely and quickly left. She made it home (thank goodness the restaurant is only a few minutes away). I helped get her and Little Man changed for bed. And then it was home for bed for Mommy too.

So, now, my dryer is done. I'm going to put pants on and go shopping and do something to make me feel less fat. I'll try to get my ass running. Hopefully.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

And A Final Wednesday Thought.....

I'm still not smoking.

Stoooooopid Medicine

I fully blame my medicine for that last post.

Well, not completely.

I am having an issue day. Issues with everything. The medicine only compounded that.

Right now, I'm up. I had to take two more pills. The house started to spin on its axis again. I fought with the decision for a good hour, knowing that in just a few short hours of taking the pills, I would be crashing. I decided that I needed to be steady. I don't like falling over. Plus, I'm so close to finishing Princess' costume. All I have to do is put the zipper in and sew a hook-and-eye at the neck. Then it'll just need a washing.

Now. My head is in the clouds. I don't know that I can concentrate on the zipper. Its an invisible sipper and that takes some form of brain power. I don't put those in all that often, so each one is a little challenge unmedicated. Imagine medicated.

So, I should probably finish it before the pills completely blow my brain.

I Want to Cry

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to have gone wrong? Well, today is one of them.

Having issues with the ex. Having issues with a friend. Having issues with my health. Having issues with finances. And all of this is taking its toll on me.

I've got issues.

I just want to run away. Seriously. Or just go to sleep for a really long time. And when I wake up, this nightmare that my head and heart is going through is over.

Benign Positional Vertigo

In other words, dizzy spells.


So, now I have a fancy name for what ails my spinning head. Thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was crazy.

At least I got good meds. I think. Doc prescribed meclizine. This is pretty much prescription Dramamine. I've been on it before for migraines (I get dizzy about 24 hours before a migraine. Some people get auras, I get dizzy.), but never vertigo.

So, I get a few more days off from work. No working the slicer. Doc doesn't really want me driving either. But, I should be able to figure out what dosage works for me by tomorrow and be able to see my babies tomorrow night. I have to. The Princess needs her costume!

OK, Not What I Thought

I thought I had a sinus thing going on. I don't. I'm slightly snuffly, but not enough to cause the dizziness that I'm experiencing. Today is day four.

Today, we call the doctor.

I haven't worked since Sunday. Can't operate a slicer when you feel as though the floor is coming up from underneath you. I didn't see my kids last night (that was a combination of feeling horrible and the weather - it was snowing and slippery). This is really messing with me.

I can be fine. And then, WHAM! I'm practically falling over! Yesterday, I had to pee. So, I go in the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. All of a sudden, it felt as though the toilet was leaning over! No, it was me! I almost hit my head on the sink. Instead, I kind of flopped forward and was able to put my hand on the wall to steady myself (small bathroom). I finished what I had to finish, said "fuck this" and went back to bed.

But, even in bed, I'm not safe. Already this morning, the room has spun. And I've been laying down the whole time. Well, not the whole time, I did make coffee and feed the cat. Even doing those two menial jobs, the room spins. Hell, it's spinning right now. I'm laying in bed.

This is not cool.

Maybe if I drink, it'll get better.

Monday, October 27, 2008


Not to whine, but....OK, just a little whining to get this off my chest.


I have a combination of a minor flare and a head cold. I knew the sinus thing was coming. Yesterday, while at work, I was really dizzy and my head felt fuzzy inside. The flare, I could feel too as I felt crampy and that I wanted to throw up.

So, although I just started my job, I had to call out today. I don't need to be cutting meat while trying to choke down the puke and dripping snot.

So, today, I'm having a private pity me party. I'm cursing my body for failing me, once again. Why does my body hate itself so much? I just don't understand. And then, a sinus headache and sore throat on top of the bloatedness and pain? What the hell have I done wrong?

I know. I know. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? But, why does life have to bring us to the brink and then slowly draw us back?

Bleh. I'm going back to bed.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Boar's Head Reuben

First post about food. And why shouldn't I post about food? We all have to have food of some kind. Personally, I'm a meat and potatoes kind of gal. Steak? Yes. Lobster? Yes. Fish? Yes. Venison? Yes. But, that picture up there? That has to be one of my top favorite foods to eat. A simple Reuben sandwich.

This one is a bit different than others I've had. Because it's made at a grocery store (the one I work at...I cut the meat and cheese and assemble these), sauerkraut can't be used because the bread would soak it up and be all gross. These are the ingredients used:
  • Boar's Head corned beef
  • Boar's Head Swiss cheese
  • leaf lettuce
  • tomato slices
  • cole slaw
  • 1,000 island dressing
  • pretzel roll

Now, just the Boar's Head stuff alone is enough to make the taste buds water. But, add the other ingredients, and you've got a party in your mouth!

This was the first I had had of a Reuben that was made with cole slaw. And I must tell you that I was a bit apprehensive. But, one bite and that apprehension was gone! It flew right out the window! The slaw that they used yesterday morning for this sandwich had just the right amount of bite to it. I was very impressed.

I'm not saying that this is hands down, the best Reuben I've had (which it's not, by far), but it is an eatable one. I would definitely have another. And maybe another after that....

This, That and Everything Else

I feel like I've neglected my poor blog. I nurtured this diary everyday, several times a day for so long. Then, my life fell apart, and now I have neglected my brain's dumping ground.

Poor brain.

Poor blog.

Things are picking up in my neck of the woods. I've got a job. Which, let me tell you, is frelling great for my ego. I'm working with people who think I'm 9 to 10 years younger than I really am. I want to hug them all. And, it's not because I feel old or even am all that old (almost 34), it's just that it feels good to have people think you're younger.

I haven't been running in a few days. I've been walking, though. I think I have shin splints. The muscles on the front of my calves have been very sore. So, I've been taking it easy and just power walking. My shins seem to think that doable. So, I'm up to walking eight miles a day when I can get out. It's difficult when I'm working during the day and get out at 4. When that happens, I'm usually leaving work to go get the kids. So, on those days, I'm not able to get out and walk. Yesterday, I was witness to some really beautiful fog over the river since the air temp was only about 25 degrees F. http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157608337574515/. I even set the one of the bridge as the desktop on my laptop.

I miss my babies more than ever. The weekends I don't have them are really difficult. I don't see them between Thursday and Tuesday. That's a long time. It's not easy going from being with them 24/7 to barely being with them at all. I'm working toward having my own place soon enough so that I hope I can have them with me more often. Princess doesn't say anything, but I know Little Man doesn't like when I drop him off. He wants me to stay at the house. Says its my house and I should be there. Last Sunday, when I was getting them ready to go back to the house, Little Man started crying and didn't want to go. It just about ripped my heart out.

But, other than that, things are good. I'm still not smoking. In fact, I saw one of my friends the other night. She had two cigarettes while standing in front of me. Didn't even have the slightest bit of craving for one. OK. That's a lie. I did have a fleeting thought of stealing one from her. But, I swear it was only for a second. And then it was gone. I suppose that will always happen. I've been told that the craving never fully goes away. But, I can live with that kind of craving where it only happens for a fleeting moment.

So, I see that the hour grows late. I've been up for a while, just messing around on the computer. Which seems to be my every day. And I wonder why I don't accomplish anything. Today, I'm headed to Goodwill and the beer store. Tomorrow will be shopping for supplies and sewing. I have to finish Princess' costume and hoodies.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Well, I did it...I got the sleeves completed! Well, not 100% complete as they still need to be hemmed, but at least I got my idea into them.

And, I must say, they look awesome!


Let me know what you think!

Uh oh....

I think another flare is beginning to rear its ugly head. And I'm none-too-happy about it.

For a few days now, my belly has been feeling swollen and yukky. Can't imagine why. I don't have any stress in my life. Everything is perfect.

Then, why do I have this pain?

I'm going to try the "If-you-ignore-it-it-will-go-away" approach. I really don't have the money or time for this right now. I know, not the best approach. But, they can't do anything right now for it. It's still early in the flare. What will they do? Throw pills at me and hope that does the trick? I'm not in the mood to have to down a hundred pills.

Right now, I'm just taking some Zantac for the heartburn (that's really bad this time). One pill is cool and that's not even everyday. I'm still drinking coffee. But, the food intake is slowly decreasing. I find that on the days I run (running through the pain...probably not the best), I'm hungry and will eat. But, on the days that I don't, I won't eat.

Don't pity me. Don't feel bad. This is the nature of the beast. I knew that this was going to happen. Its about time for my treatment (have to call the nurse tomorrow). My life is upside down right now. But, also, the medicine doesn't work forever. Its a temporary fix. Of course, if the Remicade isn't working as well anymore, I have no idea what's next. There's not a whole lot of medication as strong as Remicade out there...

Saturday, October 18, 2008


I love when an idea that I have actually looks like it's going to work out.

I'm working on a couple of hoodies since the little ones are resting. And I had an idea to make the sleeve of the hoodie a bit, um, different.

With a little snip, a little ironing and a little sewing, I think we've got something here.....

Stay tuned....................

Friday, October 17, 2008


I just remembered! I got a present in the mail!

Back when I first announced that I would be quitting smoking, a few friends made pledges that at certain milestones, they would send a gift. A token to say, "We're proud of you!"

Well, I received my first token the other day for staying quit for 90 days.

And I love it!

Mr. AllegroArts sent me a beautiful, sterling silver, origami kitty. It's so neat and different and beautiful. It combines two of my favorite things, sterling silver and kitties.


Thanky thanky thanky thanky!!!!! I can't wait to attach him to a chain and show him off!

(Oh, and to see more of Mr. Allegro's creations, see him at http://www.allegroarts.etsy.com. So many more sterling silver origami and gorgeous jewelry. Check him out!)

I Gots a Job!

Yep! I'm a part-time deli associate at the local grocery! Tain't much, but at least its gas money to get me back and forth to see my kids.

And....I had applied with the Navy to be a civilian administrative assistant and they called me today! Of course, I wasn't home, but I got a call! So, Monday, I will be contacting the officer that called me back so I can hopefully set up an interview!

Despite a set back yesterday, in the grand scheme of things, this has been a wonderful week!

And...I pushed myself this morning on my run/walk (could that be shortened to a rulk? lol!). Instead of three or four miles, I mapped out the course I did using Google Earth and discovered I did not three, not four, not even five, but six miles! It's so easy to lose yourself and not realize how far you've gone when listening to music and taking in such beautiful scenery by the river.

To be able to run along side this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2950600658/in/set-72157607884420009/ is just simply breath taking.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Can't Believe It...

On Tuesday, October 14, I will be celebrating 90 days of being smoke free.

90 days.

I never thought that back in July, I'd be where I am now. I haven't had a smoke since the night of July 13. I'm running and walking. I'm doing tummy crunches. I'm going through a divorce. I have my shop again. And, yet, through it all, I haven't had a cigarette.

Honestly, I am amazed at myself.

And now people are calling me an inspiration.

I'm not an inspiration. I'm just doing what I have to do to make my short time on this planet a little longer and more enjoyable. It's scary enough to realize that your life may be cut short due to an illness (and the medication used to treat it), but then to realize that you can't even simply run around the yard and play with your own children is devastating.

I mean, three-quarters of the time, I'm so tired that it's a large effort to play with the kids. How fair is it to them that the 25% of the time that I feel good, I got out of breath so quickly that it wasn't worth it to play? What kind of mom was I?

Now that I'm feeling better, I take my kids to the park often. They find little friends to play with and I end up running around with a bunch of kids while the parents look on, sitting on the bench. It feels good to be the mom who gets muddy and dirty with the kids.


Oh, and as far as running? If I hadn't quit smoking, I would never see scenery like this:

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


I hate being sick. I should be celebrating today. My Bosox are the Division champs!

Instead, I am nursing an icky sore throat. And a stuffy nose. And aches (well, the aches could be from running yesterday).

Needless to say, I did not run this morning and this upsets me. I was really looking forward to running along the Delaware. Well, I guess on the positive spin, it's not like the river is going anywhere any time soon. Unless the world ends tonight. But, that's not supposed to happen for another four years, so I think I'm safe.

But, I've got good TV. Flipping through the channels, I stopped on ESPN. They were showing the dog pile at Fenway when the Sox made the winning run last night. That's a nice sight. And then, I land on Speed channel. Because Barrett Jackson is on. They're running highlights from Saturday's auction. First highlight?

1967 Ford Shelby Cobra Mustang. Blue with white stripes. 427 big block with a four speed. Signed by Carroll Shelby. Simply amazing. Selling price? $600,000!

Hmmm...reading the last couple of paragraphs makes me feel like such a guy! I'm so ecstatic about the Sox winning and now I'm drooling over classic cars.

I think I will put my coffee aside, crack a beer, scratch myself and watch sports and car shows.


Monday, October 6, 2008


WOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just watched the final game of the American League Division Series.

BOSTON RED SOX WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wooooo hoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They start the Championship series Friday night against Tampa Bay Rays.

*raises beer*
*takes bite of apple pie*

Let's take it to the World Series, boys from Boston!


Wow. What a friggin rush.

I went running for the first time today. Left the house at 7:40 am or so and didn't get back until 8:20 am.

The sun was just starting to come up. The geese were flying overhead. People were starting their days. And I was running and walking.

It was so beautiful. So quiet.

I think tomorrow or Wednesday, I'm going down to the Delaware and run on the tow path between the river and the canal. If you want beauty, that's beauty.

Oh! I can't wait!

October Baseball

This year, October means baseball to me. Cool nights and the playoffs. Cooler nights and the World Series.

I sit here ~ blogging, posting ~ watching my Boston Red Sox in extra innings of the Division playoffs. It's game 3. If they win tonight, they sweep the Angels and the Division playoffs are over and they move on to the Championship playoffs. If they lose, game 4 will be tomorrow.

I have been lucky this year to be able to watch all three games so far. Prior seasons, I wasn't able to because my husband never really enjoyed baseball. So, I am taking advantage of this first season alone by watching all the baseball I can. I even bought a six-pack of beer special for the playoffs this weekend!

I was so desperate to watch baseball, that I watched the National League play too! I couldn't believe it! I have always watched American League! What the heck is up with me watching NL? I must be baseball deprived!

But now I will go back to keeping my eyes open for this game. Looks as though we're going to the 12th inning...

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I was a guest writer on someone else's blog! I was telling a friend about a beer that I had gotten from a local brewery and he asked if I wanted to review it for his blog.

I said sure! But, I had no idea what to write. I don't really drink beer. I know how beer is made. I know how beer tastes, but to review it?

He told me to write about what I thought about it. Color, aroma, taste, etc. OK. Color? Brown. Aroma? Sweet, not beer-like. Taste? Sweet, not beer-like.

Well, I typed up my review and sent it to him. He said it was a great review, that he'd like to try the beer. I couldn't believe it! I just wrote a little diddy about beer. Granted, it is good beer, but still.

I don't know...read for yourself here: http://allegroarts.blogspot.com/

Oh, and he reviews all sorts of beer. Read through and find a new favorite!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Life Can Be So Simple

I took this shot tonight, as my children played at the playground where I was standing as I took this. The Princess asked me to take a picture of the sunbeams because she had never seen them before. I, of course, obliged. Unfortunately, the beams shooting out from the clouds didn't really make it into the picture.

I felt very peaceful as I relaxed on a bench while my babies played with the other little ones who were visiting the park this evening. I watched as they ran around, chasing each other, sliding down the slides, running across the zip line. They had not a care in the world. So innocent, they are.

Kids are wonderful in the sense that they don't care what others look like. They don't care if you have purple polka-dots, they still want to be your friend. I have lucked out with two beautiful children that are so full of love and life. They care so much about each other and about other children. They get along with everyone they meet.

Maybe, if the world could sit and watch children play for a little while, we wouldn't have the mess we do...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Job Hunting

Here I sit, updating my resume, searching for a job. What fun. I'm bored out of my frelling skull.

I have my resume typed up. I had to redo it because my other one from five years ago has disappeared. It must've gotten up and ran away, knowing that I'd need it once again someday. How rude of it to be that inconsiderate! The nerve!

I called someone regarding an Office Manager position. I need to email this lame resume to him this afternoon. It would be working for a truck parts and repair company. Guess it doesn't hurt to apply. They'll probably laugh in my face when I tell them how much I need to start in order to survive.

I'm also applying for jobs on Monster.com and Manpower (temp agency). Once I get a couple of opinions on my resume, I'll upload to those sights and really start looking in earnest. I hate this.

I have found a nice apartment/town home about 20 minutes from the house. A three bedroom with some items included. There's three levels, including an unfinished basement! Maybe what I can do is either put a partition in the largest bedroom for the kids or put a craft/play room in the basement. I haven't called on it yet, as I would need to come up with two months security for it. Since I don't have that, nor employment to fund it, I'm not worrying a whole lot about that right now.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. It isn't always easy, but I'm doing OK. Staying busy. I've been slowly listing the halters that didn't sell at the show over the weekend. I need to remember to grab my pattern for hoodies from the house to start making things for the colder months. I also need to purchase material for the kids' Halloween costumes. Which, I will be going trick or treating with them. Mr. X and I will just have to get along for a night.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Going Home

So, here I sit, the last evening before packing the Explorer up and heading back North. 

I really don't want to go, but, real life must begin again.

I have had the most wonderful time. Suesue is a most gracious hostess and her daughter is such a sweetheart. 

We had our show on Saturday. Unfortunately, the sponsor didn't set up properly and no patrons came our way, so we ended up not selling a red cent. But, I didn't think it was such a big deal. After some rain first thing in the morning, the weather cleared and we ended up having a beautiful day, weather wise. On the way back to Sue's, we stopped to pick up fixings for dinner and I made them Jambalaya. We then watched Nim's Island. After the girls went to bed, I stayed up to finish a job application. Then turned in from exhaustion.

Today, Sue had to work. Her daughter went to church with Sue's mom and I just relaxed in the quiet. It was actually kinda nice. Got some pics uploaded, started to apply for some temporary employment (which, I've already got a lead! Now, if I only remember what I did with my resume). Watched some Monty Python and Dr. Who (finally). When Sue got home, she made lasagna, which was really good! Then we watched Made of Honor. Now, the girls went to bed and I'm still up, enjoying the quiet once again.

Later this morning, I asked Sue to get me up so I could say good bye to her and her daughter. That's in about five hours. I really don't want to leave. Sue has made me feel very much at home here. We get along famously, like we've known each other forever. But, I do have my babies to go home to and a life of my own to start. I'll be back, I just know it.

Besides, I'm already planning on stowing away in the trunk of her car when she does her road trip to her sister's in Missouri around Christmas. :)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Meeting New People

I got to meet two fellow Etsians today!!!!!!

First, I got to meet SeeBooKnit (http://www.seebooknit.etsy.com). I drove to her B&M shop. Got to see her awesome store!!!!! Got to meet her!!!!!! She is soooooo cool! Very sweet! I can't wait to go back to her store. She has it filled with such pretties from other Etsians. She is super duper sweet and so easy to talk to! I could easily hang with her!

How awesome is that?

The other person I got to meet, am staying with for the weekend and doing a show with on Saturday is SueStitches (http://www.suestitches.etsy.com). Drove from PA to VA. Through traffic on I95. Down a little country two-lane highway. Over some huge bridges. Until I finally made it to Sue's. 

Sue is awesome. She made dinner (homemade spaghetti sauce)! She made us drinks. We called another Etsian. We played online. We talked. She is so utterly wonderful! What a great person! Tomorrow, we will sew to get ready for Saturday. But, tonight, we chill!  :)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

First Weekend Over

So, I dropped my babies off at the house tonight. :( They both zonked out in the car on the way home, so I didn't even get to do anymore than just kiss them goodbye.

Tomorrow, they begin daycare. Before and after school care at the school that Princess goes to. We haven't checked this place out or even met the person who runs it, so tomorrow morning, I will meet Mr. X at the school so I can be there to meet and see this place. It's very important to me to be included in the decision on where our children will be going to daycare. I've been their provider for five years now. It's not going to be easy to just stop. Although, I have already been forced to do that.

Our weekend was wonderful! We got lost going to the store yesterday, but we found our way. I got a new camera (so I don't have to fight for the other one at the house). And we proceeded to the park. They had a great time climbing and sliding and swinging. They made a couple of little friends and had a great time chasing them and playing.

Today was a little more laid back. They wanted to play at the house and watch videos. So, we watched Lilo and Stitch and then Cars. They played and I combined working and playing with them. Finally, the videos were over and we took off for the village for fun on the carousel and looking at scarecrows. We three had so much fun playing arcade games and winning prize tickets. Princess and I played air hockey (yes!) while Little Man watched. We three played Skee Ball and games of chance. And, when it was all over, we turned in our tickets (I gave the kids mine) and then we got our tickets for the carousel.

Little Man was getting tired by this point. He gave me a little trouble about getting on a horse, but all was good. Of course, then he didn't want his picture taken, but I did anyway. Princess had a blast and posed for every picture I wanted to take.

Once off the carousel, we walked outside to look at the scarecrows. I began taking pictures of some neat ones and then Princess wanted to snap pics. I gave her the camera and she took some of the pics of the scarecrows. She's a great little photographer! Little Man told us which ones to take pictures of.

Alas, though, all good things must come to an end. Come five o'clock, we had to start walking back to the car as Mr. X wanted them home by six. They were pretty good about leaving. And so-so about going back to the house. But, it's something we all have to get used to. Unfortunately.

Friday, September 19, 2008

First Weekend

Yay! My babies are sleeping in the other room right now. They're with me for the weekend. I'm so excited!

Tomorrow, I plan on going to Walmart. Misplaced some interfacing (I have a sinking feeling it got thrown away by accident), so I need to get more. Then, I'm taking my chitlins over to the park for the afternoon.

Sunday, I am taking them to a local outdoor shopping village. They have an indoor play area with an antique carousel and other games. They enjoy it there. Then, we'll walk around the village. During this time of year, they have a scarecrow contest. People create scarecrows of varying themes and the scarecrows are then placed on display throughout the village. Sometimes, there's a live band playing in the courtyard. That's fun because if there's any little ones, they run around and dance on the grass. So, you see why I need the camera?

So, we've got a pretty busy weekend planned. Next weekend is the show in Virginia. So, while the babies sleep, I'll be getting halters ready to sew.

Never a dull moment!

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Just a little intro on this song: I'm no longer a very Christian person. I believe that there's something out there, I'm just not sure it's God. However, growing up, I went to church every Sunday, was baptized, had my First Communion, even belonged to a youth group.

That being said, while in youth group, I fell in love with quite a few Christian rock singers ~ still enjoy them to this day. One of my all time faves is Michael W. Smith. I even got to see him in concert in Worcester, MA, when I was 16! This song was kind of our youth group song and it still has a lot of meaning to me to today with the friends I hold near and dear...

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
Cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong


Michael W. Smith, "Friends", The Michael W. Smith Project, 1983


I am so tired. Emotionally. Physically.

So much to do. And now, my mother just kicked me out. I think. Well, she told me to go home.

I can't go home. He won't let me. I have no place to live. I have no money. I've got my car! I just want my kids. But I can't even have them as I have no way to provide for them.

I realize that I have made the choices that have led me to this place. I just didn't realize I'd be so alone.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Hold your fire
Keep it burning bright
Hold the flame 'til the dream ignites
A spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission

I hear their passionate music
Read the words that touch my heart
I gaze at their feverish pictures
The secrets that set them apart

When I feel the powerful visions
Their fire has made alive
I wish I had that instinct
I wish I had that drive

Spirits fly on dangerous missions
Imaginations on fire
Focused high on soaring ambitions
Consumed in a single desire

In the grip of a nameless possession
A slave to the drive of obsession
A spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission

I watch their images flicker
Bringing light to a lifeless screen
I walk through their beautiful buildings
And I wish I had their dreams
But dreams don't need to have motion
To keep their spark alive
Obsession has to have action
Pride turns on the drive

It's cold comfort
To the ones without it
To know how they struggled
How they suffered about it
If their lives were exotic and strange
They would likely have gladly exchanged them
For something a little more plain
Maybe something a little more sane

We each pay a fabulous price
For our visions of paradise
But a spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission
Rush, "Mission", Hold Your Fire, 1987

Hello from Beyond!

So. Hi there.

We are separating. It's over. But, I knew that. He knows more than I ever wanted him to know. At least it's all out in the open now. I don't have to hide anymore. No more lying.

Of course, now I have to find a job. Find an apartment. Worry about custody. How am I going to afford an attorney? Hopefully, they take payments. I hope this doesn't get nasty.

He's already been hurtful. Called me names. And, they weren't "sweetheart" either. But, I know he's hurting and he's just lashing out. Doesn't excuse his name calling, but it explains it. He did try to make me feel that this is all my fault.

Hey, I'm certainly not innocent in this. Not by a long shot. But neither is he. Not by a long shot. This has been a long time coming.

I'm glad the moment is finally here.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Busy Times

Last night, I went and fitted four people for alterations for a wedding. All alterations need to be completed before Wednesday.

Then, I have a custom order that needs to be finished TODAY. Well, it doesn't, but in my head, it does.

Aaannndd...I just accepted an invite to do a show in Virginia. On the 27th. That's two weeks from tomorrow.

And, I still have to get the laundry done, grocery shopping, take care of the kids, make sure dinner's ready, promote the shop (http://www.CynfullyCreative.etsy.com), breathe, eat, drink coffee. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel so overwhelmed right now that I can't even begin one project!

Maybe I'll get the grocery shopping done. But I should sew the halter and get that listed. Or maybe start the alterations.

As I said...lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


I have been so busy with opening shop. I have neglected my brain dump! Oh the humanity!


So far, no sales. But, it's only been two days. However, I have gotten a request for a custom sized halter (which will be worked up today) and I got a phone call for a big alteration job locally. I guess when it rains, it pours. The alterations would need to be completed by next Wednesday. It's a formal gown, flower girl dress and two pants hems. By next Wednesday.

And, how has the husband been with the shop? Heh. Well, let's just say he's not happy. He's afraid that I'll forget everything else and just focus on my business. Funny, dinner is made, house is straightened up, laundry is getting done, kids are fed, Princess is off to school on time. Yeah, seems as though I'm going to forget all about real life. As a matter of fact, right now (well, after blogging), I'm going to do the grocery shopping and make up next week's dinner menu.

I think life will continue without a hitch.

What I need him to do though, is stop checking up on me. Last night, he went through my favorites and hearts and asked me who the people were any why I had them on the list. I feel as though I need to wear diapers. I am a grown woman. I've made mistakes in the past, yes, but this is a new me. Besides, I know how to hide things better now (um, just kidding). But, I need him to trust me. He has admitted to not trusting me even though he says he loves me. I just don't understand how you can love someone you can't trust. When I point that out, he gets flustered and makes up some lame excuse saying that he does trust me.

I'm still not feeling very warm and fuzzy about us. And opening this shop has made the feeling almost cold and harsh. Maybe it'll change. Maybe it won't. I don't know that I'm waiting around to find out...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Well, I did it. I opened my shop. He "allowed" me to open. But now, my life is an open book. Waiting for him to read it. I don't know that I like that. He doesn't trust me. At all. He says he does but he doesn't. We'll see how this goes...


Monday, September 8, 2008


That's about what my brain feels like today.

I had a migraine yesterday. Anytime I have one of those, the next day I feel like I have a hangover. My brain doesn't work.

I have much to do. I have sewing to do to start making inventory for the grand re-opening. I actually cleaned up my sewing area so I can find my sewing machine and serger again. I threaded the sewing machine with black thread so I can finish the halter I started months ago. Blew the dust off the machines. And, then, I got sucked back into the forums.

Well, first, I pricked myself with a pin and started bleeding. One Spongebob band aid (the perks of having kids) later and I quit already. Hey...pin pricks are painful!

I should just go sew. The forums are slow today. No one's up for joking around.

Damn it. Guess I'll sew...

Friday, September 5, 2008

Just Realized

With my mother on her way to my house, I just realized that we only have one comfortable chair in the living room in which to plant one's butt.

Our couch is dead.

We have our dining room table in there with six chairs (eventually, the living room as we know it will be a dining room), but my husband's recliner is still in there.

Where's the fairness in that?


Today is my therapy day. All by my lonesome. He doesn't even know I'm going.

I'm not looking for a miracle. I'm not looking for her to tell me what I should do. I'm just looking to seek some answers for myself.

I know that everything is going to be OK. I really do. Wherever the wind takes me, life will be OK.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

"Here I Go Again"

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...

Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987

First Day

Well, the Princess had her first day of kindergarten today. Her father, Mimi, brother and I all saw her off on the bus this morning. She looked like such a big girl with her Dora backpack and Hannah Montana skate sneakers. My heart was breaking as much as it was swelling with pride.

In the past weeks, whenever we've talked to her about school and riding the bus, she has said that she didn't want to go. Well, that all changed this morning. She dragged her feet a little bit walking across the street to get to the bus. But, once there, she bounded up the stairs and in her seat. She didn't even kiss her father good-bye (I got a kiss though, heehee). I had to get on the bus to help her with her seat belt, but then that was it - off she went!

It was a quiet morning. Even with Little Man still home, it was quiet. He and I had pizza for breakfast. He was lost without her. Poor guy. But, he got Mommy all to himself this morning, so that made up for it.

He and I walked down to the end of the driveway to wait for her bus. I showed him how to make music with a blade of grass. We ran around the end of the driveway, chasing each other and he played drums with a couple of sticks. Then, we saw the big yellow bus coming, he squealed, I smiled. Princess unlocked her seat belt and got off the bus. Then I asked about her day.

She didn't want to talk about it. :(

I finally got out of her that she had a good time. She finally showed me what she did at school and also the little bit of homework that we have to do together tonight.

She's going to be A-OK. :)

New Tattoo

I have to laugh.

Hubby and I had discussed a while ago (after I got my shoulder piece) that I wasn't going to get any more tattoos as he doesn't like women with a lot of tats. He actually really doesn't like me having the three that I have. I feel that my tats represent me and I wouldn't change what I have for the world.

Well, I'm getting another one. Here she is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2777879771/

I haven't decided where. He wants me to add it to one that I already have. I don't know that what I want can be tied to anything I have. So, he said, "well you're not allowed to have another one".

Uh, what? What am I, five years old again?

So, I challenged him. I asked, allowed? several times. He didn't like that, so he dropped the subject. Like a hot potato.

Heehee...guess I got him. Dude, don't tell me what I can and can't do with my skin. I want my nymph. And I'm going to get my nymph. She represents this chapter in my life: strength, freedom, magic, beauty. And, she's going in a new spot. Maybe on my other shoulder. Maybe my bewb. Maybe my ass. Who knows?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Good Day

Today, I feel peaceful. It's a gorgeous, sunny day. The birds are chirping. I'm surrounded by good friends. Kids are behaving (well, so far). We all went to Friendly's last night for ice cream and I got to have a vanilla Coke (Coke with a squirt of vanilla syrup in it). Soooooo yummy!

I am working on the 51st day of not smoking. http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2824417639/
I can't believe that I don't even think about it much anymore. Really, the only thing I think about is the fact that I haven't cheated once. Not once! And for that, I am proud.

Hubby is coming home early today so we can go together to the Princess' walk through at school. And tomorrow morning, he's going in late to see her off to school. Before I left for the weekend, he wasn't going to take the time for this. I go away and suddenly, it's a priority that he's there. I'm glad that he finally decided to go, but I'm upset that it took my going away to make him decide.

He also got me flowers. A token to say that he's happy I'm home. He has bought me flowers exactly four times now. For my 18th birthday, our 5th wedding anniversary (this year), Mother's Day (this year) and now these. In over 15 years, that's it. I know, it's just flowers, but my father-in-law has bought me more flowers than my husband has. It's just the symbolism of them. And it makes me sad of this fact. He knows how much I love fresh flowers and, yet, I don't receive them. I know...whine, whine, whine...want some cheese with that?

It's coming up on 11:30 here. I have done my nails and gotten the kids dressed. Hubby will be home at 2. I need to shower and brush every one's hair before he gets here. I also have to see what's on the menu for tonight and pull what I need out of the freezer. Plus, I promised a short story to someone that I'm working on. Blogging. Drying tears. Posting on forums. Watching NickToons (Spongebob should be on soon). And now, I just realized that I have a meeting for the MOMs club tomorrow morning. And, I'd like to work on some inventory for the shop.

Excuse me while I run around, pulling my hair out and screaming.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008


So, I'm so overtired from not sleeping this weekend that I feel very silly today.

I don't know why. I slept fine last night.

I guess maybe getting a full night's sleep over the course of three nights really wrecks havoc with a person's head.

Well, that and trying to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

So today, I'm just throwing caution to the wind and being silly!


I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Going Home

I'm online for about 10 more minutes and then I'm showering and driving home. I miss my babies terribly.

So, we talked on the phone yesterday. He wanted me to come home last night. My mom wasn't home, though, and I didn't want to just leave. So, I stood my ground and stayed here one more night. He wasn't happy. I just don't know which he didn't like more - that I wasn't home or that he couldn't get me to roll over and go home.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I know what I'd like to say, but I would never say that (at least in a calm discussion). I just need to be able to stay strong. I've got people supporting me in whatever decision I make. I've even got offers of places to stay if I need to.

I just need to put my big-girl undies on. It's time to grow up. It's time to see what I've got.

*crosses arms over chest*
*stomps foot*

Sunday, August 31, 2008


He wants me to come home so we can talk. He's even going to talk his father into taking the kids.

But, I know his idea of talking. He's going to cry the crocodile tears and beg me to stay. OK, maybe not that forward, but that's what it will boil down to. He's already begging me to come home. Guilting me into coming home. Telling me he's having nightmares, Princess is wetting the bed, he misses me.

He says he's here for me to talk and open up. Dude, where have you been for 15 years? Why are you here all of a sudden? And why are you here when it benefits you?

I think he knows what I'm going to say. I think he realizes that I'm done. For some reason, I'm afraid to say it and I know he's afraid to hear it.

This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I don't really want to be a single parent, but what's the alternative? I don't deserve to be mediocre for the rest of my life. I'm almost 34 years old. I have done nothing with my life (well, I do have two beautiful children). Am I saying that I have to make a million dollars and a name for myself? No, but I want to try. I deserve that chance.

Unfortunately, I think he's afraid that I will succeed him and that's why he holds me back. He's always been a little, um, "the man brings home the bacon." Which, hey, whatever. Give a girl a chance, though. I don't want to be hemming pants for the rest of my life. I deserve to be draping fabric on Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie.

Hey, one can dream, can't they?