I just realized how scared I am.
I'm scared of my feelings.
I'm scared of what happened last night.
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.
I'm scared of so much.
I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.
Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.
Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.
Why am I crying then?
Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?
I hate this. I really fucking hate this.
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Love
How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.
I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.
When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!
He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.
I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.
When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.
I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.
I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.
When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!
He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.
I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.
When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.
I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Every Other Month
I don't usually like to discuss my womanly matters, but I feel the need to right now.
Every other month, I get really manic with my PMS symptoms. I mean, one minute, I'm crying and the next I'm hysterically laughing. Throw in there a bit psychotic and we're good to go!
I don't know where this stems from. I mean, it's not every month. It's every other. And it lasts for about 48 hours during the last seven days before things begin. Doesn't make any sense. During the months that this doesn't happen, I'm fine - you wouldn't even know that I was PMS-ing.
And tonight at work, we have the unsuspecting customer that has no idea the psycho he's about to encounter. The one who ordered three.slices.of.turkey. Yes, just three slices. And nothing else. I had the good sense not to laugh in the guy's face. Three slices...who does that?
And then I have Finn. Poor guy. He was with me last month during this time. It was a month that was normal. No symptoms. No psychosis. Heck, it was such a surprise for both of us! But, he took it in stride (comes from being raised by mom and having a sister), even went to my car and got my supplies that I keep there just in case. I was floored. And touched. And, well, you know...
But, tonight while at work, he heard and saw the full brunt of my Every Other Month. Granted, he was in the department next to mine, but he could see the muttering. He caught me off guard when I came back from using the bathroom (I actually went to cry for a minute). He saw my eyes and grew very concerned. So after that, he made it a point to make me laugh. When we were going to go punch out, he tickled me all the way down the aisle. Out the door, in fact. He got me laughing.
When we were outside saying good night, he kept asking me if I was going to be OK. Of course, this makes me tear up. I cannot say for certain why this happened (part of it is knowing that he's truly worried about me), but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I had to keep looking up at the sky to keep from crying! And here, I was worried about him because his sugar count was really low (he's diabetic). I am so not used to this!
So now I have a quiet night at home. A load of laundry is already in the dryer. I have made and eaten dinner. Having a slice of carrot cake now. Trying hard not to think about Finn because if I think of him, I start to miss him. I should just pack it in and go to bed...
Every other month, I get really manic with my PMS symptoms. I mean, one minute, I'm crying and the next I'm hysterically laughing. Throw in there a bit psychotic and we're good to go!
I don't know where this stems from. I mean, it's not every month. It's every other. And it lasts for about 48 hours during the last seven days before things begin. Doesn't make any sense. During the months that this doesn't happen, I'm fine - you wouldn't even know that I was PMS-ing.
And tonight at work, we have the unsuspecting customer that has no idea the psycho he's about to encounter. The one who ordered three.slices.of.turkey. Yes, just three slices. And nothing else. I had the good sense not to laugh in the guy's face. Three slices...who does that?
And then I have Finn. Poor guy. He was with me last month during this time. It was a month that was normal. No symptoms. No psychosis. Heck, it was such a surprise for both of us! But, he took it in stride (comes from being raised by mom and having a sister), even went to my car and got my supplies that I keep there just in case. I was floored. And touched. And, well, you know...
But, tonight while at work, he heard and saw the full brunt of my Every Other Month. Granted, he was in the department next to mine, but he could see the muttering. He caught me off guard when I came back from using the bathroom (I actually went to cry for a minute). He saw my eyes and grew very concerned. So after that, he made it a point to make me laugh. When we were going to go punch out, he tickled me all the way down the aisle. Out the door, in fact. He got me laughing.
When we were outside saying good night, he kept asking me if I was going to be OK. Of course, this makes me tear up. I cannot say for certain why this happened (part of it is knowing that he's truly worried about me), but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I had to keep looking up at the sky to keep from crying! And here, I was worried about him because his sugar count was really low (he's diabetic). I am so not used to this!
So now I have a quiet night at home. A load of laundry is already in the dryer. I have made and eaten dinner. Having a slice of carrot cake now. Trying hard not to think about Finn because if I think of him, I start to miss him. I should just pack it in and go to bed...
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Crying
Ever feel like crying? Like the world as you know it is crashing down around you and you have nothing left but tears?
That's where I am now.
I am at a crossroad right now. I am standing here, wondering which road I take. Do I take the one and keep going as I have been? Do I turn to the left, come clean and hope everything works out for the best? Do I turn right and venture life on my own?
If I continue straight, I feel as though I may live the rest of my life in a lie. I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to the ones I love.
If I turn left, I'll feel cleansed, but terrible. I'll crush the one person that's counting on me right now.
If I turn right, I don't know what the future would hold. I'd be alone. With two children in tow.
I feel so alone right now. I have friends. But I don't know that I can talk about this. I dream of better days. Of feeling what I used to feel. But, I have a feeling that it's too late. So, it's either the left or right roads.
Because, there's no going back now.
That's where I am now.
I am at a crossroad right now. I am standing here, wondering which road I take. Do I take the one and keep going as I have been? Do I turn to the left, come clean and hope everything works out for the best? Do I turn right and venture life on my own?
If I continue straight, I feel as though I may live the rest of my life in a lie. I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to the ones I love.
If I turn left, I'll feel cleansed, but terrible. I'll crush the one person that's counting on me right now.
If I turn right, I don't know what the future would hold. I'd be alone. With two children in tow.
I feel so alone right now. I have friends. But I don't know that I can talk about this. I dream of better days. Of feeling what I used to feel. But, I have a feeling that it's too late. So, it's either the left or right roads.
Because, there's no going back now.
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