Wednesday, April 29, 2009


My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

When It Rains...

So, I was out of work for a week. This means I don't get paid for a whole week. Ouch.

Today, I have to see a lung specialist for my check up of my pneumonia. That's $50 that I don't have as I have to stretch last week's paycheck through till next Friday.

The other day, I realized that the tire I have a hole in isn't holding air the way it needs to. In other words, I'm stopping at the gas station every couple of days to put air in it. Well, because I have four-wheel-drive, I can't just replace one tire - I have to replace two in order to save my transfer case from blowing up.

I already owe my mother for my meds from last week that cost $150 WITH insurance. Now, she said that she would loan me the money to fix my tires. I'm going to owe this woman for the rest of my life!

Haven't gotten the quote for replacing the tires yet. And, of course, I can't have cheap tires on the car, I have to have a name brand. And, unfortunately, I really like this brand because they hold up well. Well, except to things poking them and gouging them. But, I would like to go home to New Hampshire sometime soon and I was told that my car stays home unless I get the tires fixed. So, I guess I have no choice.

I really need a full time job.


I don't usually like to use my diary as a promoting tool, but I just can't help myself as I'm really excited to have actually listed some of my chain maille!

Beachcomber Dragon Scale Bracelet

Love Link in Pink

Sparkles Captured

So, there you go. Three new pieces in a new section. I've thrown my hat into the jewelry ring. Its a risk, but what the hell, you can't go through life not risking anything! :)

Saturday, April 18, 2009


This is the antibiotic that I was put on for the double pneumonia. No wonder I feel the way I do. One of the side effects is depression. So, pile the side effects on top of being a virtual shut in, and you get one very messed up person.

Less serious Levaquin side effects may include:
*nausea, diarrhea, constipation;
*feeling restless, anxious, or depressed;
*headache, dizziness;
*muscle pain;
*sleep problems (insomnia or nightmares);
*vaginal itching or discharge; or
*mild skin itching.

So, I've got the restlessness and depression. I've got the headache (although that could be from coughing and blowing my nose). I've got the sleep problems (have had to take some sleeping pills the last few nights).

Great. And I'm only halfway through my script.

Stupid Pneumonia

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

Friday, April 17, 2009

Someone Smack Me

The depression of being sick all week is setting in. I'm tired of the computer. I'm tired of the TV. A short excursion completely wears me out. How the hell am I going to work on Monday?

I am so sick of being sick. Seriously. Either kill me or move on already.



I feel half-dead. I'm getting better. I can tell. But my energy level, on a scale of 1 to 10, is negative 100. Just thinking about pulling on a bra and t-shirt to go pick up my paycheck wears me out. My right lung hurts. The center of my chest hurts when I cough. Getting run over by a mac truck has nothing on the way I feel right now. Have you seen Final Destination? The one where the girl gets obliterated by the bus? That's probably closer to how I feel.

I'm sorry for the pity party here. I'm just venting. Bored. Tired. Icky. And I needed to get that out.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Just as an FYI:

fever + period + morphine + illness = heightened neurosis

These things do not mix well. Disregard half the last post. That was my crazy ramblings. Yeah, I said it. I was crazy rambling. OCD sucks.

Been A While

So, I'm still alive. I think. I went to the ER yesterday because I was coughing up a little blood. The docs are erring on the side of caution and although they sent me home, they're treating me for tuberculosis. I know, TB? In today's day and age? Well, the meds that I was put on for the Crohn's has lowered my immune system enough to make me susceptible to the infection. I think I only have pneumonia, but I'd rather they take the precautions necessary. So I'm home. Not allowed to go anywhere. Except stir crazy. I've played all my crack games on Facebook. Faxed the courthouse regarding my divorce, texted friends. Frittered the day away online. I'm too bored to sleep even. I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill later.

While I was in the ER, they gave me a dose of morphine. This was immediately took away the pain in my joints from my fever. Bad thing? Remember my last post about wanting to say something that I haven't been able to? Yeah. Well. I said it. Or rather, I text it.

So, I think that in my morphine-induced coma, I screwed up a really good relationship. I'm being completely neurotic about it. Have been all day. I keep wondering if I screwed up. I really want to talk to him, but I can't have contact with him. And he's not really a phone person. This bites in so many ways. I suppose I should take it as a sign that he's still texting me, right? That maybe I didn't screw up that horribly? I don't know....

Being sick. Screwing up relationships. Sounds like my MO.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Just Say It All Ready!

I wish I could. I don't understand why I can't. I know I want to. But something is holding me back. Could it be fear? Maybe that's all...I'm afraid of the fallout from saying something and appearing too needy? I don't think that's the word I'm looking for.

Even though I believe that what I want to say would be reciprocated, I'm still scared. I don't understand why, though. I'm trying to live life as it comes with little fear, but still.


I just wish that the next time I was asked "what?", I could answer truthfully, knowing that my answer would be reciprocated. Instead of just saying "nothing".