Beautiful Day

Mid-November and its 70 degrees outside. Un-friggin-believable!

My babies are here this weekend. We're outside, enjoying the weather. Princess is playing chalk and Little Man is playing with his Play-Doh. Actually, they're also hunting for acorns.

Yesterday was rainy and chilly. We watched movies all day. They took turns picking which movie to watch and then I picked what to watch at bedtime last night. Dinner, bath, ice cream and a movie. What a perfect night. =)

I've dug out a comfy chair. Set it up in the driveway as the kids play. Its days like this I wish would last forever.....

Never Imagined...

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

A Year

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Strong

I'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.

For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away.

And took my heart with him.

Its a week today.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.

I miss him.

I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.

We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.

Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.

I love you.

Painted on My Heart

I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you

But its just not so
And after all this time, I still can't let go

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of your fingertips
This love so deep inside of me

I was trying everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to

I guess its just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

And I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you
And I know there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart

"Painted on My Heart", The Cult