Beautiful Day

Mid-November and its 70 degrees outside. Un-friggin-believable!

My babies are here this weekend. We're outside, enjoying the weather. Princess is playing chalk and Little Man is playing with his Play-Doh. Actually, they're also hunting for acorns.

Yesterday was rainy and chilly. We watched movies all day. They took turns picking which movie to watch and then I picked what to watch at bedtime last night. Dinner, bath, ice cream and a movie. What a perfect night. =)

I've dug out a comfy chair. Set it up in the driveway as the kids play. Its days like this I wish would last forever.....

Stupid Pneumonia

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

A Butterfly

I was described as a butterfly today. A butterfly that had been losing her color by being held tight in a cocoon not of my own making. And that I could never be trapped like that and be happy. That I needed someone to open the cocoon and allow the light to hit my wings and bring the colors forth.

And you know what? It's happening.

I have a very dear friend who has opened that cocoon and made me realize that I am still beautiful and smart and creative. I had forgotten that over the years. I had lost myself. Now that the light is starting to shine again, I can't help but shed the metaphorical cocoon. I can't help be giddy as I flit from flower to flower, tasting their sweet nectar.

I don't know where the wind will carry me, but I'm looking forward to the ride.