Am I Living in a Dream?

There was a time, gosh it seems like another lifetime, when I couldn't listen to songs like Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" or Stabbing Westward's "Waking Up Beside You" or even "Total Eclipse of the Heart" without my eyes filling with tears. I missed you so horribly that my heart felt torn in two. I tried to fill the void you left with another, but while I did love him in a way, he wasn't you. I don't think anyone could fill the void you left because no man would be you. I thought of you often; my dreams were full of you. When I would make love with the other, it never felt the same; we never became one like you and I did. I couldn't visit our old haunts as it tore me up inside. Memories of you were always lurking behind my eyes. I suppose you could say a large piece of me died the day we finally went our separate ways for I was never the same. 

The wolf in sheep's clothing and I did have some good times, but once my health took a turn for a darker place, the wolf showed his true self. When that happened, all I could think of was that you would've never treated me like that. You would've held me tight once my episodes passed and told me that it's ok. 

While with the wolf, I would check your Facebook. I was searching for proof that you were ok. I needed to know that you were ok in order to continue on the road I was on. When I saw you were fighting again and seemed happy to be involved with that again, my heart would fill and memories would flood my head again. It was as if knowing you were ok allowed me to be ok as well. I still felt a connection even though I couldn't bring myself to write you and tell you how much I missed you and needed you back in my life. With the mistakes I made during our last precious moments together, I thought you would never want me in your life again. During those years apart, you were never far from my thoughts on any given day. The love I still had for you scared me. I had never loved anyone with my whole existence before, well, except for my children. The void was still deep and I thought it would be there for the remainder of my days on Earth and carry over in to the after life where I knew you were the one I would wait for on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge and beyond the veil of this world and the next. 

As they say in the movie "Avatar", I could still "see you". I could still feel you. There were times I swore I heard your voice or felt your arms around me or felt your lips on mine. 

And then, you took the first steps to break the silence between us by using my business page on Facebook. 

At first, I didn't know what to do. I was still technically with the wolf, but that was waning quickly. He didn't know how to deal with me, so I stopped dealing with him. He could never accept that I was so ill mentally and physically. If I were admitted to the hospital, he said he had a really hard time going. So, on visiting nights, I would go to my room and cry because I felt I had no one that cared enough. Then came the day when he broke up with me over the phone during a stay and told me that my ex went running to the court regarding the custody of my children. Had I not been in a controlled area, that would've been it. My note was already written and hidden away and I had the pills to just slip away. I was ready to join my daddy and my grandparents; I felt that I was a horrible mother, a horrible partner and just a horrible person in general. 

Having stared Death in the eyes a few times, I was not afraid of dying. Why he has not taken me yet is still a mystery. I've almost died from a tooth infection, bleeding out 3/4 of my body's blood, overdosing on Tylenol, overdosing on klonozopam, and yet, he never took me. Being a cutter, he didn't even take me by stopping the blade from hitting an artery. I'm nothing special. I don't hold a high paying job, have not done really anything with my life. And, yet, I have two absolutely beautiful children, I have my mom who is one of my best friends, I have an awesome best friend back in PA, and I have you...the best friend I've ever had and be lucky enough to also be your lover. When the dark clouds hover, that's what I think about and that's why I'm still here. I still think about it, hell, lately it's been pretty much every day. Having to go through each day in pain, not knowing why, not even a hint of why, has brought the clouds closer than they've been in a while. I'm trying to change by trying to get some exercise, taking steps to quit smoking, trying to get myself on a schedule...it's not easy, in fact it's one of the most difficult things to do in a time when my physical and mental stability is up in the air. 

And then there's you. You pushing me to be a better person, to get on a schedule, scolding me when I stray, and loving me through it all. Loving me just because I'm me. Loving me despite my flaws. Loving me because of my flaws. 

When I came out for my visit just over 3 years ago, I really thought I was just going to visit a friend. When I saw you in the bus depot, however, every feeling I ever had for you came flooding back. I had tears of happiness in my eyes when I saw you. You made the short time we had together magical. I didn't want to leave...after 38 years of doing for others and putting myself last, I knew then and there that it was time to put myself first. And a few months later, I did. I left behind a lot of things, but I knew it was you that I needed to be with. 

I've never been with anyone with whom I fall in love with a little more each day. It hasn't always been easy, but no relationship is. We've argued and we've loved. We've cried and we've laughed. Most of all, we've done it together. I don't have to be anyone but myself with you and I like the person I am with you. We're like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. And I can't even think of my life without you in it. 

They say that when you're in love, all the love songs make sense. And whomever "they" are, are completely correct. Every love song I hear reminds me of us. There's one that speaks of a broken road that particularly stands out. I followed that road and it lead me straight to you. There arw no more sad tears when I hear a song that reminded me of when we parted, even though we didn't really part on the best of ways. I realize now, how much I gave up when we parted. That's why I had checked on you. You left an imprint on my heart and that is something that could never be replaced but by the person who imprinted it. 

When I got back to PA after my visit, I sat down with the wolf and let everything come out. I told him that although I loved him, I told him that it was not like the love I had always had for you. Even though he and I were broken up, I could see how his shoulders sagged when I told him that. I didn't want to hurt him, but he deserved the truth...that I had never stopped loving you. You and I have always had a connection that couldn't be broken. You're the first lover I've ever had that with. So, when things were going down, and you invited me here, I knew it was my chance to be happy again. So I grabbed on and took that chance. Something I've never done...it was so spontaneous and unplanned, and, as you know, I like everything to be planned out and controlled. But I needed you back in my life, so when you gave me another chance, I knew it would be the last and I had to grab it. 

I've been comprising this post for a year now. Wanted it to be done for our anniversary last year, but that didn't come to fruition. I would think of it and then the thought would be lost. And here we are, coming to the day before our three year anniversary. Hard to believe it's been that long. 

After all this time, you still warm my heart, make me laugh, let me cry, tell me you love me. Your arms are still the ones that make me feel safe. Feeling you breathe while I drift off beside you is heaven. Loving and being one with my best friend is the greatest feeling in the world. 

I know this past year has been a very trying one. You hold me up on the days I just want to let go. I'm able to speak my feelings to you no matter if I'm depressed or elated or anything in between. You've been my rock even during times I didn't know I needed one. You know me better than I do myself and that is just one of many reasons why I love you so. 

We have had 3 great years together, dealing with the ups and downs (mostly ups). There is no one else I'd rather be riding with on this ride called life. I hope we have many more years and many more days together. 

Happy anniversary, my one true love. You really are my everything. 

06/22/2016

Took a Ginormous Leap

So much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...

I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.

I moved.

I took a ginormous leap and moved.

And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.

I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.

Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.

Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now.

I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.

And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled.

So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together.

So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another.

I lucked out.

I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995

"Against All Odds"

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins, "Against All Odds", 1984

Stupid Pneumonia

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

Frightened

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Love

How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.

I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.

When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!

He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.

I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.

When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.

I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Holiday Season

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?

Abuse

Over the last couple of months, I've realized that I'm abused. My bruises, however, aren't visible.

I really don't know what's making me realize that for a really long time, he's been abusing me. He holds me back. He turns things around and makes them my fault (even when it's not). He makes me feel as though I need to explain myself and what I do. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to go to the store by myself.

Now, I realize that I've allowed him to do this to me. I wanted to feel loved so bad that I allowed myself to fall into his clutches. I allowed myself to be weak.

Well, not anymore. I will not allow myself to feel like this anymore. It is time to stand up for myself. It is time to be me. I shouldn't have to explain myself. If I want a beer, it doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic. I'm not weird for wanting to watch a ball game. I'm not strange for having a brainstorm at midnight and having to write my story. I'm not weird for liking fantasy and sci-fi. I should not be shunned for having a high IQ.

I AM ME!

It's Over

Have you had that moment when you just knew it wasn't going to work anymore? That it wasn't worth trying anymore?

I felt it this morning.

I was willing to speak to the therapist to find out how I may work through what I've been feeling. What I've been thinking.

We had some words last night. He accused me of some stuff. Saying good bye to him this morning, I felt nothing. And, all I felt was sadness from him. He didn't even tell me he loved me. Usually, he can't leave the house without saying that.

It's over.

I feel sad because he has been a part of my life for so long. I'm scared because I don't know what life holds. I'm excited because I don't know what life holds.

Raise a glass and wish me luck!

My Love Style is Eros

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion! And chances are, you're currently in love. You have a strong physical response to love... And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

How Do You Know...

How do you know if what you feel is truly real? How do you know what is real?

I know I'm real. I know my kids are real. I know that kind of stuff. I'm talking about your feelings. How do you know that they're real?

They say that some people think with their heart and some with their heads. Um, hello? The heart is a muscle; it has no receptors in order to think and feel. Your brain is the one that thinks. It just depends on which side, left or right, that is doing the thinking.

I mean, seriously. How do you know if you're in love with someone? Does it make your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Does your tummy do flip flops? Possibly.

What does it mean when you don't feel that anymore? If you haven't felt that in a long time?

What does that mean?

Actually, I'm a little scared of the answer....