Sunday, May 23, 2010

Missing You

I got to feel the arms of true love around me. I've missed that horribly.

Why am I doing this to myself? Once again in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. Especially when I've got true love at my fingertips...

I think of another at almost every point of my day. Dream of being in his arms. Feel his lips on mine. Hear his laughter and his whispers. Everything I am, he is. The connection is almost palpable. Others can see it. We can feel it. Even apart, we know what the other is thinking, feeling.

How many people can say they've truly found their soul mate? The person that breathes with you. The person whose heart beats in time with yours. The person who fills in where ou fail and rises you up to succeed? I have that just within my reach.

Why am I so afraid to grab it and live a life with him?

Am I already beaten down again to the point that I can't? Is my self-esteem so shattered in such a short time?

I want to run into his arms and never let go....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Fighting again. What a way to begin the day.

This time,we're fighting about my going to Greenwich Village with a male friend to listen to some middle Eastern music and watch some belly dancing. He feels that my friend has intentions of stealing me away from him. That he trusts me but not my friend. To me, it sounds as though he wants me to stay home and do nothing.

I understand how hurt he's been before and why he has trust issues. But he doesn't seem to understand my need to go out on my own. To have my own friends.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm sure that more than one of my male friends has thought about sleeping with me. He'll, I've thought about it with them. It's a healthy thing. But, being that I'm with someone, I wouldn't act upon that and I know that they wouldn't either.

I feel that he doesn't trust me at all. That he doesn't trust me to say no should things become inappropriate. He says that I can do what I like, but that he's frustrated that I want to do things without him.

I can't have this again. I feel myself slipping because I don't wantto create waves. And I'm fighting with myself not to allow it to happen again.

I feel so alone and so fed up with it all...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Run Away

I want to run away.

Nothing is as it seems. Some days I feel as though the smile on my face is just painted there.

I was out on Wednesday. Met with and hung with someone very special at a truely magical place. Later, a couple friends joined us. It was the first time in a while that I really laughed.

The honeymoon is over. Things aren't as perfect as everyone thinks. I'm reminded a lot of my ex husband. And it scares me. I'm so deep into this relationship that I really think it's too late. Is that possible? Is it ever too late?

I just want to run. Far away. From everything. To a new place where no one knows me....