Friday, October 11, 2013

New Life

Things that changed my life: My children have been taken away from me, Ex bf/roommate moved out, I'm diagnosed bipolar, still dealing with Crohn's from time to time. I've been broken. I've been fixed. Several times over. And, yet, I still meander along this thing called life. It has brought me down to depths so low I never knew existed. It has also brought me so high I swear I could touch the stars. And then comes love.

To love another is to see the face of God, they say. Can't say that I believe in God, but I've seen something. This love scares me. I've built such a wall over the last few years that I'm having a hard time allowing it to fall. Each day I love, a chip of it falls away. I love him as I've loved no other, as if I've loved him all my life and had to wait for the right time to be with him. Now is that time. We waited a long time for this.

I traveled several miles and left my life behind. I left with no regrets. As I traveled I knew each mile was bringing me closer to him. I could start to feel him again, although, I don't think I ever stopped feeling him. I would check his Facebook from time to time to make sure he was OK. I still worried about him and thought about him and dreamed about him even though I was with another.

I've been having issues with the bipolar lately. We've been arguing because I'm rapid cycling and even the littlest things set me off. You know what he said? He said it's OK. Those two words mean the world to me. It's OK. I told him he didn't sign up for this and he replied that he thought he had. A love so pure, so real, so deep. And it's OK that I'm sick. There are only two other people that have said it's OK and that's my best friend and my mom. To be so broken and still loved, there's nothing like it. It's comforting, a little overwhelming and a whole lot of wonderful.

That first date almost four years ago now. Couple of beers at the bar. Then back to his place where he made breakfast at 2 in the morning and we talked till dawn. We talked about everything and nothing and it was all so wonderfully magic. I craved seeing him again. Love at first sight? Maybe. But something began that night. Something that grew deeper and deeper.

He has always held my heart. He has always been on my mind. I thanked him for letting me back into his life and he told me that I never left. And I don't think I did. I never stopped thinking about him. I never stopped wondering about him.

I never stopped loving him.

The Only Thing ~ Stabbing Westward

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Accomplishments Today

I know that the mundane things I'm about to list are normal for some people, but not for me. I get busy doing stuff and forget to do the little things like eating. But today, I have accomplished quite a bit:

1. Made patterns for garb
2. Took a shower
3. Started finishing a Viking weave circlet
4. Brushed my teeth
5. Ate lunch
6. Made list for stuff needed at stores

Yes, the mundane. But as I said, I get busy doing stuff and forget important things that need to be done for myself. But today, I accomplished quite a bit if I do say so myself. People don't understand how I can forget to do things, but my brain goes in so many directions that if I don't write it down, I'll forget. Sometimes, I'll even make a list of things that have to be done so I can remember.

I can't wait until December when I go have my memory tested. Forgetting even the small stuff (like nourishment) is a big deal. And maybe the tests will shed some light on why my short term memory is all but gone and older memories are fading. There's a lot that I don't want to forget, but those, too, are fading. So, if I don't remember to shower one day, please don't fault me for it. It's just that it somehow slipped through the ever widening cracks in my brain. Also, if I don't remember your name, it's the same reason. I'll know your face, but won't know your name. Which lately, that's a problem because I'm meeting so many new people.

I'll get through this. It's just a bump in the road. And maybe the brain doctor will have suggestions on how to remember things better. Maybe she'll help me re-wire the memory lobes in my brain.

Monday, September 30, 2013


The reason I started blogging again is because as my memory fades, I don't want to forget the memories I've made or how I've felt at a certain time. Between my illness and my medications, my memory dims as each minute passes. I don't want to forget how special I've felt or when I've had a meaningful time or when something sweet has been said to me. I'm coming to terms with my memory loss, but it frustrates me to no end. I'm supposed to be smart but losing my memory has made me feel dumb. So, if I can write about things that have happened or how I feel, it's like I'm writing my legacy for all, but for me especially so I can remember.

Finn and I at Pas d'Armes pour la splendeur et l'apparat de l'automne, September 21, 2013

Fitting In

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an event at an art park. Our house set up a tent in which armory was shown off. A lot of kids attended (with their parents, of course) and had a blast trying on helms and chest plates and gauntlets. It was really enjoyable to watch their little faces as they looked at stuff. Parents were taking their pictures with the armor on and with a sword to make them look really cool.

One thing I noticed about the day was how everyone interacted. It didn't matter if you were pink, purple, black, white, whatever...we were there to share the craft that we do. There was glass bead making (which I want to learn), calligraphers, weavers, fighting, someone showing the different swords and armor a rapier used. And then I found something else out....

I felt like I belonged.

We went out for dinner after (about 20ish people). Usually, I don't talk when I don't know people. I stay to myself and let others talk unless I'm spoken to directly. It's something I do because of my anxiety and maybe to protect myself as most of the people in my life are no longer there, so maybe it has something to do with not wanting to get close to people. But last night was different. Last night I spoke. Last night I laughed. And I did these things with people I didn't know (there were six people I knew out of the whole bunch). I felt comfortable. I felt like one of them. And I gotta tell ya, it felt good. I had stirrings inside of me that I hadn't had since I was a teenager and living in NH.

I also realized I have the most awesome man on this Earth.

I thanked him for a fun filled day. Then, as we were drifting off to sleep, I thanked him again, this time for letting me back into his life. He told me I never left. I told him I don't think I ever did either. I am so very lucky to have him that I try to take advantage of every moment we have together. Because I know everything could be taken away with just one moment.

I feel very lucky to have found my home.

My home where I'm accepted for who I am.

My home where the second half of my heart is.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Has anyone ever loved so deeply before? I should think so, given that there have been thousands of years of the human race.

I think of him always. Not all consuming, but he's always on my mind. He completes me. Without him, I feel empty. He makes me laugh, lifts me up and holds me there. He knows what I'm thinking and I know what he's thinking. We don't always have to talk; a look, a touch, a kiss and we can feel what the other feels.

I almost lost this. I won't say I was a fool years ago, I did what I had to do at the time. But I never stopped thinking of him. I never stopped wondering what he was doing at that particular moment. I checked on him from time to time on Facebook to make sure he was OK.

Since I've come out here to be with him, it's been like a fairy tale and he's my knight in shining armor. We live a simple life. The little extras we work so hard for.

Everything I am, he is. It's like I've loved him my whole life and have searched for him and have finally found him. In his arms, I feel strong and protected. I can feel the strength of his love for me. It flows over me like a cloak.

I sure know I've never felt this way about a man before. Even when I married, I didn't feel this deeply.

When he left all that time ago, a hole was drilled into my heart that hasn't been filled until now. My heart overflows with the feelings I have for him. I can no longer imagine my life without him by my side. And, yet, if I were to die tomorrow, I would die content and happy for I shared my heart with him again.

The feelings almost scare me. What if all this were just a dream? What if I were really sleeping and suddenly woke up and he wasn't there? Each day is a gift that I don't take for granted. Each day is a gift with him by my side.

"All I need
Is the air you breath
All I need
Is the air I breathe
All you need
Is the air we breathe
There are so many things
We need so desperately
And the TV preaches
We can't live without them
You tell me what is neat
I'll tell ya what I believe
If I ever were without it
Then I'd be worthless
'Cause you are everything
The only thing that matters
You are everything
The only thing that I need
You are everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
You are the air I breathe
I wonder if some day
We took all their toys away
Do you think they'd find the strength
To go on living?
'Cause deep inside I know
If I lost everything I owned
I'd be a king
As long as you're beside me
'Cause you are everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
The only thing I need
My love means everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
You are the air I breathe
The air I breathe
I hope someday they find
A place to bid online
Where all lost souls
Can find themselves some meaning
I know we'll survive
All we need's more time
As long as we've got love, and art,
And the ocean
And we are everything
The only thing that matters
We are everything
There's nothing else I need
Our love is everything
The only thing that matters
Cause we are everything
You are the air I breathe
The air I breathe"
"The Only Thing"
Stabbing Westward

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Took a Ginormous Leap

So much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...

I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.

I moved.

I took a ginormous leap and moved.

And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.

I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.

Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.

Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now.

I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.

And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled.

So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together.

So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another.

I lucked out.

I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Can't Smile Without You ~ Barry Manilow

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who would of believed that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you