Monday, September 30, 2013


The reason I started blogging again is because as my memory fades, I don't want to forget the memories I've made or how I've felt at a certain time. Between my illness and my medications, my memory dims as each minute passes. I don't want to forget how special I've felt or when I've had a meaningful time or when something sweet has been said to me. I'm coming to terms with my memory loss, but it frustrates me to no end. I'm supposed to be smart but losing my memory has made me feel dumb. So, if I can write about things that have happened or how I feel, it's like I'm writing my legacy for all, but for me especially so I can remember.

Finn and I at Pas d'Armes pour la splendeur et l'apparat de l'automne, September 21, 2013

Fitting In

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an event at an art park. Our house set up a tent in which armory was shown off. A lot of kids attended (with their parents, of course) and had a blast trying on helms and chest plates and gauntlets. It was really enjoyable to watch their little faces as they looked at stuff. Parents were taking their pictures with the armor on and with a sword to make them look really cool.

One thing I noticed about the day was how everyone interacted. It didn't matter if you were pink, purple, black, white, whatever...we were there to share the craft that we do. There was glass bead making (which I want to learn), calligraphers, weavers, fighting, someone showing the different swords and armor a rapier used. And then I found something else out....

I felt like I belonged.

We went out for dinner after (about 20ish people). Usually, I don't talk when I don't know people. I stay to myself and let others talk unless I'm spoken to directly. It's something I do because of my anxiety and maybe to protect myself as most of the people in my life are no longer there, so maybe it has something to do with not wanting to get close to people. But last night was different. Last night I spoke. Last night I laughed. And I did these things with people I didn't know (there were six people I knew out of the whole bunch). I felt comfortable. I felt like one of them. And I gotta tell ya, it felt good. I had stirrings inside of me that I hadn't had since I was a teenager and living in NH.

I also realized I have the most awesome man on this Earth.

I thanked him for a fun filled day. Then, as we were drifting off to sleep, I thanked him again, this time for letting me back into his life. He told me I never left. I told him I don't think I ever did either. I am so very lucky to have him that I try to take advantage of every moment we have together. Because I know everything could be taken away with just one moment.

I feel very lucky to have found my home.

My home where I'm accepted for who I am.

My home where the second half of my heart is.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Has anyone ever loved so deeply before? I should think so, given that there have been thousands of years of the human race.

I think of him always. Not all consuming, but he's always on my mind. He completes me. Without him, I feel empty. He makes me laugh, lifts me up and holds me there. He knows what I'm thinking and I know what he's thinking. We don't always have to talk; a look, a touch, a kiss and we can feel what the other feels.

I almost lost this. I won't say I was a fool years ago, I did what I had to do at the time. But I never stopped thinking of him. I never stopped wondering what he was doing at that particular moment. I checked on him from time to time on Facebook to make sure he was OK.

Since I've come out here to be with him, it's been like a fairy tale and he's my knight in shining armor. We live a simple life. The little extras we work so hard for.

Everything I am, he is. It's like I've loved him my whole life and have searched for him and have finally found him. In his arms, I feel strong and protected. I can feel the strength of his love for me. It flows over me like a cloak.

I sure know I've never felt this way about a man before. Even when I married, I didn't feel this deeply.

When he left all that time ago, a hole was drilled into my heart that hasn't been filled until now. My heart overflows with the feelings I have for him. I can no longer imagine my life without him by my side. And, yet, if I were to die tomorrow, I would die content and happy for I shared my heart with him again.

The feelings almost scare me. What if all this were just a dream? What if I were really sleeping and suddenly woke up and he wasn't there? Each day is a gift that I don't take for granted. Each day is a gift with him by my side.

"All I need
Is the air you breath
All I need
Is the air I breathe
All you need
Is the air we breathe
There are so many things
We need so desperately
And the TV preaches
We can't live without them
You tell me what is neat
I'll tell ya what I believe
If I ever were without it
Then I'd be worthless
'Cause you are everything
The only thing that matters
You are everything
The only thing that I need
You are everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
You are the air I breathe
I wonder if some day
We took all their toys away
Do you think they'd find the strength
To go on living?
'Cause deep inside I know
If I lost everything I owned
I'd be a king
As long as you're beside me
'Cause you are everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
The only thing I need
My love means everything
The only thing that matters
Yes you are everything
You are the air I breathe
The air I breathe
I hope someday they find
A place to bid online
Where all lost souls
Can find themselves some meaning
I know we'll survive
All we need's more time
As long as we've got love, and art,
And the ocean
And we are everything
The only thing that matters
We are everything
There's nothing else I need
Our love is everything
The only thing that matters
Cause we are everything
You are the air I breathe
The air I breathe"
"The Only Thing"
Stabbing Westward