2008 in Review

*sigh*
What a year. What a crazy friggin year.

It started normal enough last January. Birthdays came and went. The first few months of the year sailed by. Then came April.

April is when my marriage started to unravel. Well, actually, it was before that, but that's when things took a turn for the much worse. We tried counseling. I tried to find the love I had had for him previously. It just wasn't there. I couldn't find it. September brought everything crashing down. He kicked me out. It was over.

In the meantime, I really started to find myself again. Who I was 16 years ago, only older and wiser. Well, older anyway. But, my creativity came back. But fun came back. My zest for life came back. I'm still shedding the cocoon, but its going away. And I'm really enjoying becoming a butterfly.

October brought a new job. November brought new friends. November brought Finn.

Now, as Christmas has come and gone, quietly slipping by not unlike any other day, I sit and reflect upon the changes. My kids have noticed that mommy's happier. I've noticed that I'm happier. Even at work, people have noticed a change from when I first started. My friends online have noticed the change. And some are so happy to be there to watch it. And you know what? I'm glad that they're there as well.

So, let's raise a glass to 2009. Here's to a new year! CHEERS!

On Being an Ass

Finn apologized. Twice. Actually used the word sorry in one apology. I felt like an ass for thinking him a jerk. He's really not.

And then, at 12:30 am, I yelled at the Princess for not being asleep yet. She bawled her eyes out for that. So I sat at the kitchen table and bawled mine out.

Chalk the night up to being an ass. Biggest one possible. Seriously.

For some reason, I got a creative streak through all of this. This is what happened:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660906/, http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660904/, and http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660900/. I have no idea where that came from!

So, I should really try and sleep. Although I don't feel like it. I sleep like crap when not at Finn's.

*sigh*

A Venting

Instead of a haunting, this is a venting.

Men suck.

Children that won't go to sleep suck.

Being bone tired sucks.

Yes, Finn is being a brat. He pissed me off before. Since he was having a bad day, I had called with the intention of making him feel better, and he chewed me out. And then hung up on me. And now, ignoring me. Sort of. I swear, if he were here, I would smack him upside the head. I don't need this shit. Seriously.

The Princess is refusing to go to sleep. Yes, it is almost midnight. Yes, she has been awake since 8:30 this morning. Yes, she has been complaining that she was tired all day. Why is she still awake?

And I'm exhausted. I want to go to bed. But, I can't before she does. And, I need to clean up before I go to bed. And, I need to find my bed, since Little Man is asleep on the one I use when they're here. So that means I have to clean up my room from them playing in there today. And I won't be able to sleep until I know things are cool between Finn and me.

Fuck this Saturday night. Fuck everything.

Santa Rides Again

So, we told the kids that Santa visited last night because Mommy called him to tell him they wouldn't be here till the weekend. It worked. They bought it. And they opened gifts this morning. It was great. They also opened gifts from Santa last night. For those, we told them that Santa got my message late and came anyway. They bought that too. Amazing. Little kids are so gullible!

They loved everything that Santa got them. They both loved the hat and scarf that I made for them. Right now, they are quietly coloring and watching Spongebob. This is bliss. We're all still in our P.J.'s. I'm blogging and uploading pics while drinking coffee and they're playing with their new things. This is Christmas. This is what it's about.

In a little while, we're going to make cupcakes. Its kind of rainy and crappy outside and I'm sure we're all cookied out. Cupcakes should prove to be a nice change. We'll see how it goes.....

Merry Everything

That should cover it. Solstice, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, etc....

So, I had a nice, quiet Christmas day with Finn. I had made dinner last night, we had leftovers this morning and then he made breakfast for dinner tonight. I then came home to see my mom and her boyfriend for the holiday and to make the kids' gifts. Now, I'm just waiting to rinse my hair (I got some highlighting dye and this is the first chance I've gotten to do it). So, I'm chowing down on cookies that were sent by a realllllly good friend. And they're absolutely yummy!

Gifts made for this year: Finn's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3134036398/, Princess' http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137733728/ and Little Man's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137734070/.

I am a bit upset at Xman this evening. What was a fine day otherwise, he had to ruin it with his snark. I had worked the overnight shift from Tuesday into Wednesday morning. Came home, got only about three hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was exhausted last night and slept all Christmas morning (which is probably some of the reason I'm awake now). I got a text saying that I must be too busy to wish the kids Merry Christmas. So, for the following hours, I tried to get a hold of him to no avail. I couldn't understand why he would give me shit and then torture me by ignoring me all day. This makes me nervous for tonight as they don't have day care today. He has yet to answer my two requests to where I am to pick them up.

Poor Finn got the pissy text from me. I was so ready to throw something or hit something. Instead, I text (I'm afraid to hit anything as I believe I fractured something in my hand last time I did just that). A few minutes after doing so, I felt bad and apologized. He told me that I can vent to him anytime. That meant so much to me.

Please tell me to stop eating cookies.

Anyway.

Time to rinse out my hair and go to bed. My brain is about mush. It's been an emotional day. This weekend should prove to lift my spirits at least.

Cookies!

Well, the potty training experiment failed miserably yesterday. Two accidents within an hour. And he didn't care. We then went to get my hair cut and to pick up supplies to bake cookies, so I threw a diaper on him. We'll try again today. :)

We made cookies yesterday and this morning. So many friggin cookies. I promised some to work, some to Finn, plenty to go home with the kids and some to stay here for Mom. There are dozens of cookies everywhere. I have three bags full, a plate full for here and two plates for work.

Don't ask me why I baked so much. I just got started and couldn't stop. There's chocolate chip, chocolate with milk chocolate/white chocolate chips, sugar with colored nonpareils, and mini M&M's. And each of them is delicious in their own way.

Got the kiddos dressed. Means I get to do a load of laundry now. I also have a sewing project to get to. Tonight, I stop at Home Depot and pick up wire to make Finn's gift. I tried yesterday with some scrap wire I had (made my own rings). Came out really cool! On the top is a Celtic star and on the bottom is a Byzantine chain. The star I'm making for Finn will be bigger. Definitely. Those rings I made last night were tiny.

UPDATE: Within 10 minutes of placing big-boy undies on Little Man, he peed. Didn't even realize it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Growing Up

My Little Man is wearing big-boy undies.

:-(

I'm very upset at this. He's my baby at 3. I only have two and he's it.

He's actually going to be 4 in a few months. Up until now, he has refused to potty train. It's not because he's not ready, it's because he knows that if he doesn't wear a diaper, he'll have to cease playing so he can go to the bathroom. To me, that's a pretty smart kid to have figured that out.

Thursday, when I picked them up for dinner, their day care person and I were discussing this. She suggested that I get Little Man some undies and just let him wear them. So, last night, we picked up some big-boy undies. I let him pick out what he wanted. And now he has them on. Been a half hour and so far, so good.

But, *sniff*, my Little Man is growing up.....

Made it Through

Well, the snarkiness is gone. By yesterday morning, I felt much better. Maybe there's something in getting a good night's sleep. I had taken some sleeping pills Wednesday night, and then slept in a little bit on Thursday. Possibly that had something to do with it.

I am so happy. I have found a kindred spirit at work. We've been comparing our obsessive compulsive tendencies the past couple of days. We shared a snarky day on Wednesday. Its quite fun to know that I'm not alone in the nastiness nor the way that I tend to obsess over the stupidest things.

For instance, when I open a bag of M&M's, I have to sort them by color and then eat them from most of a color to least. Don't ask me why. And if someone happens by and steals one, they have to steal in order. Finn stole one out of order last night and I nearly had a heart attack. He laughed at me and then I laughed at myself. But seriously, this is a tragedy. Why does he not understand that M&M's need to be taken in order? Grrrrrrrrrrr.

And then, when I'm loading the dishwasher, silverware has to be grouped together. Forks need to live with other forks and spoons with other spoons, etc. If this does not happen, I will re-organize the dishwasher. Yes, folks, I will seriously rearrange the dirty silverware. Think about this one, though - it makes unloading that much easier because these items are already sorted! And the dishes, well, like dishes need to go together. Duh!

Making the bed? Covers have to be even on both sides. If they're not, the bed is messy and needs to be redone.

But, my friend at work understands this! We were discussing it again today. Finn overhead us and just shook his head. I love this! It makes me feel less like a freak! I mean, I'm a goof, but that I can live with. Being a freak is just odd. I've embraced being a nut. I've embraced being a goof. But, I just cannot embrace being a freak. And knowing I'm not the only one who tends to have obsessive compulsive tendencies means I am not a freak!

Every Other Month

I don't usually like to discuss my womanly matters, but I feel the need to right now.

Every other month, I get really manic with my PMS symptoms. I mean, one minute, I'm crying and the next I'm hysterically laughing. Throw in there a bit psychotic and we're good to go!

I don't know where this stems from. I mean, it's not every month. It's every other. And it lasts for about 48 hours during the last seven days before things begin. Doesn't make any sense. During the months that this doesn't happen, I'm fine - you wouldn't even know that I was PMS-ing.

And tonight at work, we have the unsuspecting customer that has no idea the psycho he's about to encounter. The one who ordered three.slices.of.turkey. Yes, just three slices. And nothing else. I had the good sense not to laugh in the guy's face. Three slices...who does that?

And then I have Finn. Poor guy. He was with me last month during this time. It was a month that was normal. No symptoms. No psychosis. Heck, it was such a surprise for both of us! But, he took it in stride (comes from being raised by mom and having a sister), even went to my car and got my supplies that I keep there just in case. I was floored. And touched. And, well, you know...

But, tonight while at work, he heard and saw the full brunt of my Every Other Month. Granted, he was in the department next to mine, but he could see the muttering. He caught me off guard when I came back from using the bathroom (I actually went to cry for a minute). He saw my eyes and grew very concerned. So after that, he made it a point to make me laugh. When we were going to go punch out, he tickled me all the way down the aisle. Out the door, in fact. He got me laughing.

When we were outside saying good night, he kept asking me if I was going to be OK. Of course, this makes me tear up. I cannot say for certain why this happened (part of it is knowing that he's truly worried about me), but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I had to keep looking up at the sky to keep from crying! And here, I was worried about him because his sugar count was really low (he's diabetic). I am so not used to this!

So now I have a quiet night at home. A load of laundry is already in the dryer. I have made and eaten dinner. Having a slice of carrot cake now. Trying hard not to think about Finn because if I think of him, I start to miss him. I should just pack it in and go to bed...

Freaking Out

I willingly volunteered my time at work tomorrow to receive two extra hours. I then accepted an invitation to finish watching a movie after I drop the kids off tomorrow night.

What was I thinking?

I have a cape to finish and a hoodie to finish. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield finished results so the hoodie will be mailed next Monday.

I also have two holiday gifts to make. One for Finn and one for the Elf. I need to order gifts for the kids. Wait, who am I kidding, I need to shop for them first! At least Mom is taken care of thanks to a trade with the Elf.

Why do I do this to myself? Every year, I go through the same thing. I mean, due to personal and financial circumstances, I had to put off the cape and hoodie until the last minute. But the gifts? I could've started those earlier. Oh, wait, who am I kidding? I just got the supplies for one a week ago and I just figured out today for the other.

Right now, I'm waiting for sleep to overtake my body. I'm tired, but I'm just not tired. Although, if I gave my brain a chance, I could probably sleep. I need to sleep. It's one o'clock in the morning. I need to get up in five hours for work. At least I was smart and packed a change of clothes already and laid out my uniform for work. So even if I get up at seven, I won't be too late!

*bangs head against the wall*

Holiday Season

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?