Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Are There Any Happy Marriages?

I hardly like to refer to an Etsy Etc. forum thread. But this one really stuck to me.

Are there really any happy marriages?

I thought I had one. I sacrificed everything for him. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that should mean more than anything. Myself.

I endured major depression. I endured continual stress to be what I thought he wanted. I stifled my creativity. I stifled me. I tried to be his perfect little girlfriend/wife. Did I have to do this? Probably not. But, he made clear his dissatifaction of things I liked or did. So I stopped doing them.

I realize now that this is not healthy. I should never have given up me for him. I realize now that I am so much more. The friends I have kept and made like me for being the silly and creative person that I am. They like being around me. What a great ego boost to know that I don't have to change to have people like me. The relationship I'm in now makes me so very happy. While we don't always see eye-to-eye and we don't have everything in common, we get along because we're able to be ourselves.

Some sacrifice is necessary. Sacrificing all isn't.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Not human or animal. Jeez.

I'm talking about sacrifice of the soul.

I think so often about the crap I'm going through right now. Emerging from my cuccoon. I can feel the shreds of my former self falling away. I can feel the old me coming through.

Lately, though, it's been really difficult. I've been stumbling. In a way, I think this is because of the new feelings in my heart.

I didn't expect Finn to drop into my life. I know, everything happens for a reason. He's meant to be here with me. I get that. What I don't get is why now? Why fall in love? Is he here to help me on my journey? Maybe that's it. Because he has helped me. He helps me all the time. By caring. By listening. By being there. And, of course, making me laugh and feel special is just icing on the cake. And the least I can do is return all that he gives to me by giving him the same from me. He tells me I'm too good to him. In all fairness, he's way too good to me. :)

But, in all seriousness...I don't ask myself anymore if I'm worth it. I know I am. I'm worth making my life my own. I'm worth taking the reins and controlling it again. Yes, I still get upset by what Exman says (he gets so hurtful at times). But I'm finding that I don't get upset for the length of time that I used to. I don't shed tears over what he says anymore. I'm realizing that they're just words. He's lashing out as his control slips. I know who I am. I know what I am. Am I a bitch for that? Quite possibly. But no one seems to think so.

And, honestly, I don't care if I'm thought of as a bitch. Why are strong women considered bitches? I'm not stomping on anyone. There is no bloodbath. There are no bodies. Some fires, but those were set for fun. I'm just living day by day.

There is no telling there will be a tomorrow.

Monday, February 16, 2009

It's Going to be OK


I think it is.

I went out for a few hours just by myself last night. I parked down by the river, watched as the river raced past. Watched the lights of the town dance on its surface. With music playing and notebook in hand, I wrote. I wrote down what was in my head and my heart. I haven't done that in a while.

And you know what? It felt good. Awesome even.

By the time I found my way home, I was in much higher spirits. I'm still scared as hell, but I'm more comfortable with what happened and what was said. And I realized that it's OK to be scared.

Life is a roller coaster.

And I get to ride it with a new love and awesome friends. ;P

Sunday, February 15, 2009


I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Cat's Out of the Bag

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


So, I have thought more about this branding, or scarification, that I have been introduced to. I think I really want to have one done. Something different. Something to mark the new beginnings in my life.

This is the symbol I want:

The meaning is: "The strength to break through and move on. Ur is a sign of new beginnings, a time to shake off the past and to take advantage of new opportunities. Remember before each new beginning must come an ending and endings can be an emotional time but know that, ultimately, it will be to your benefit.

Live each day to its fullest, knowing that from every ending comes new life. Do whatever it takes to succeed and seize each moment so you will never come to regret missed chances.

A favourable time for high risk ventures.

Everything in my life right now is proof that I can break through and move on. I am embarking on a new beginning. I am trying to hard to seize each moment of every day. With these new beginnings come sacrifices. This is the emotional aspect.

I believe I will have this placed either above my left breast or on the upper part of my left arm since either place is close to my heart. Yes, I know it will hurt like hell. But, there is no moving on without some sort of pain. And the pain will remind me of the sacrifice. And the symbol will remind me of my new life.

Yes, this is something I want to do.


How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.

I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.

When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!

He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.

I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.

When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.

I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


Well, I had my first court date in regards to my divorce yesterday. It was supposed to be a default hearing and I guess I wasn't supposed to show up. Oops. My bad. Teehee.


The afternoon session was scheduled for 1:30. We didn't go before the judge until after 5. And she only called us because we were there and had waited all afternoon. We went through the court papers to see what I agreed with and what I didn't agree with. And I cleared up a few things, most especially the fact that I don't make the same amount of money that I did when the calculated the child support.

I thought that was funny. I wish I could've taken a picture of his and his attorney's face when I explained my work situation and salary. And explained that the amount they used to calculate was after 4 years of service. Since I had a new job in the same industry, new jobs don't start where you ended. Um duh. And I didn't go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if we could start a new job at a new company for the same amount we made before? Makes perfect sense and that happens all the time.

What are you, stupid? Can one answer this simple question? ARGH!!!!!

But, I guess it began when I overheard his father tell him that my being there could pose a problem. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your day. But, since September, I've grown a set and I'm putting them to good use. I refuse to allow him to steamroll over me.

So, since once we got through all the points, it was nearing six o'clock, the judge dismissed us to come back on the 20th. Another day off, but it will be worth it. By then, I can have an attorney.

And fight back even harder.

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Moosie

In asking Exman how the kids are doing (sick, just like me), I found out my Mooserpup died last night. Well, he's really not a puppy, he was nine years old...

We had gotten him as a house warming gift from my in-laws when we bought our first house in 1999. He was a Brittany. Such a spaz, but a great pup. Always brought a smile to your face with his antics.

I miss my pupper. I've missed him since I was told to leave. He was always a great dog. He was very loved and will be missed.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Another Birthday

So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)

My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.

So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.

He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.

For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.

As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.

I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.