Thursday, May 21, 2015

Am I Living in a Dream?

There was a time, gosh it seems like another lifetime, when I couldn't listen to songs like Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" or Stabbing Westward's "Waking Up Beside You" or even "Total Eclipse of the Heart" without my eyes filling with tears. I missed you so horribly that my heart felt torn in two. I tried to fill the void you left with another, but while I did love him in a way, he wasn't you. I don't think anyone could fill the void you left because no man would be you. I thought of you often; my dreams were full of you. When I would make love with the other, it never felt the same; we never became one like you and I did. I couldn't visit our old haunts as it tore me up inside. Memories of you were always lurking behind my eyes. I suppose you could say a large piece of me died the day we finally went our separate ways for I was never the same. 

The wolf in sheep's clothing and I did have some good times, but once my health took a turn for a darker place, the wolf showed his true self. When that happened, all I could think of was that you would've never treated me like that. You would've held me tight once my episodes passed and told me that it's ok. 

While with the wolf, I would check your Facebook. I was searching for proof that you were ok. I needed to know that you were ok in order to continue on the road I was on. When I saw you were fighting again and seemed happy to be involved with that again, my heart would fill and memories would flood my head again. It was as if knowing you were ok allowed me to be ok as well. I still felt a connection even though I couldn't bring myself to write you and tell you how much I missed you and needed you back in my life. With the mistakes I made during our last precious moments together, I thought you would never want me in your life again. During those years apart, you were never far from my thoughts on any given day. The love I still had for you scared me. I had never loved anyone with my whole existence before, well, except for my children. The void was still deep and I thought it would be there for the remainder of my days on Earth and carry over in to the after life where I knew you were the one I would wait for on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge and beyond the veil of this world and the next. 

As they say in the movie "Avatar", I could still "see you". I could still feel you. There were times I swore I heard your voice or felt your arms around me or felt your lips on mine. 

And then, you took the first steps to break the silence between us by using my business page on Facebook. 

At first, I didn't know what to do. I was still technically with the wolf, but that was waning quickly. He didn't know how to deal with me, so I stopped dealing with him. He could never accept that I was so ill mentally and physically. If I were admitted to the hospital, he said he had a really hard time going. So, on visiting nights, I would go to my room and cry because I felt I had no one that cared enough. Then came the day when he broke up with me over the phone during a stay and told me that my ex went running to the court regarding the custody of my children. Had I not been in a controlled area, that would've been it. My note was already written and hidden away and I had the pills to just slip away. I was ready to join my daddy and my grandparents; I felt that I was a horrible mother, a horrible partner and just a horrible person in general. 

Having stared Death in the eyes a few times, I was not afraid of dying. Why he has not taken me yet is still a mystery. I've almost died from a tooth infection, bleeding out 3/4 of my body's blood, overdosing on Tylenol, overdosing on klonozopam, and yet, he never took me. Being a cutter, he didn't even take me by stopping the blade from hitting an artery. I'm nothing special. I don't hold a high paying job, have not done really anything with my life. And, yet, I have two absolutely beautiful children, I have my mom who is one of my best friends, I have an awesome best friend back in PA, and I have you...the best friend I've ever had and be lucky enough to also be your lover. When the dark clouds hover, that's what I think about and that's why I'm still here. I still think about it, hell, lately it's been pretty much every day. Having to go through each day in pain, not knowing why, not even a hint of why, has brought the clouds closer than they've been in a while. I'm trying to change by trying to get some exercise, taking steps to quit smoking, trying to get myself on a's not easy, in fact it's one of the most difficult things to do in a time when my physical and mental stability is up in the air. 

And then there's you. You pushing me to be a better person, to get on a schedule, scolding me when I stray, and loving me through it all. Loving me just because I'm me. Loving me despite my flaws. Loving me because of my flaws. 

When I came out for my visit just over 3 years ago, I really thought I was just going to visit a friend. When I saw you in the bus depot, however, every feeling I ever had for you came flooding back. I had tears of happiness in my eyes when I saw you. You made the short time we had together magical. I didn't want to leave...after 38 years of doing for others and putting myself last, I knew then and there that it was time to put myself first. And a few months later, I did. I left behind a lot of things, but I knew it was you that I needed to be with. 

I've never been with anyone with whom I fall in love with a little more each day. It hasn't always been easy, but no relationship is. We've argued and we've loved. We've cried and we've laughed. Most of all, we've done it together. I don't have to be anyone but myself with you and I like the person I am with you. We're like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. And I can't even think of my life without you in it. 

They say that when you're in love, all the love songs make sense. And whomever "they" are, are completely correct. Every love song I hear reminds me of us. There's one that speaks of a broken road that particularly stands out. I followed that road and it lead me straight to you. There arw no more sad tears when I hear a song that reminded me of when we parted, even though we didn't really part on the best of ways. I realize now, how much I gave up when we parted. That's why I had checked on you. You left an imprint on my heart and that is something that could never be replaced but by the person who imprinted it. 

When I got back to PA after my visit, I sat down with the wolf and let everything come out. I told him that although I loved him, I told him that it was not like the love I had always had for you. Even though he and I were broken up, I could see how his shoulders sagged when I told him that. I didn't want to hurt him, but he deserved the truth...that I had never stopped loving you. You and I have always had a connection that couldn't be broken. You're the first lover I've ever had that with. So, when things were going down, and you invited me here, I knew it was my chance to be happy again. So I grabbed on and took that chance. Something I've never was so spontaneous and unplanned, and, as you know, I like everything to be planned out and controlled. But I needed you back in my life, so when you gave me another chance, I knew it would be the last and I had to grab it. 

I've been comprising this post for a year now. Wanted it to be done for our anniversary last year, but that didn't come to fruition. I would think of it and then the thought would be lost. And here we are, coming to the day before our three year anniversary. Hard to believe it's been that long. 

After all this time, you still warm my heart, make me laugh, let me cry, tell me you love me. Your arms are still the ones that make me feel safe. Feeling you breathe while I drift off beside you is heaven. Loving and being one with my best friend is the greatest feeling in the world. 

I know this past year has been a very trying one. You hold me up on the days I just want to let go. I'm able to speak my feelings to you no matter if I'm depressed or elated or anything in between. You've been my rock even during times I didn't know I needed one. You know me better than I do myself and that is just one of many reasons why I love you so. 

We have had 3 great years together, dealing with the ups and downs (mostly ups). There is no one else I'd rather be riding with on this ride called life. I hope we have many more years and many more days together. 

Happy anniversary, my one true love. You really are my everything.