Monday, July 28, 2008

A Few Days Away

So, I know most of you have gotten used to the random thoughts that I've posted throughout the past week. Well, I'm going to be taking a break for a few days.

My hubby has hurt his back. He's out of work for at least a couple of days. He goes back for a check up on the 30th. He pulled all sorts of muscles in his lower back. So, they're doping him up on pain killers and muscle relaxers.

What does this mean?

I have to stay away from the computer while he's home. That means, no forums, no blogging, no Flickr.

But, feel free to leave comments, convo me, etc. I don't mind. I'll try to sneak on from time to time, but I'm not going to push it.

Until we meet again, I love you all!

15 Days

Yup! 15 days since I've had a cigarette!

I'm extremely proud of myself!

I was even around a smoker Friday night. A friend of ours stopped by and was hanging out. He lit up and then realized that neither Hubby nor I lit one. When he looked for an ash tray, he finally noticed that there wasn't one. He felt so bad. We didn't.

Want to know the amazing thing?

The stench from the cigarette made my stomach churn.

I think I'm gonna make it! :)


OK. I admit it. I'm 33 years old and I happen to love Spongebob Squarepants. I don't know why. Could it be the innuendos? Could it be that he's so silly that he's hysterical? I don't quite understand.

I mean, take this episode for example:

Sandy and Spongebob and completely obsessed with karate. Toward the end, they go on a picnic. Of course, in their picnic basket, there's lettuce, krabby patties, tomatoes and buns. Spongebob starts cutting the log of patties using a karate chop, very slowly. Sandy looks longingly on. Then she starts chopping some of the log. Next come the buns and tomatoes. Soon enough, they're on a frenzy. When they frenzy is over, they're panting like they just had marathon sex.

I cannot be the only person who sees this. Seriously.

There's another episode with Spongebob's driving teacher, Mrs. Puff. He's saying good bye to her and says, "See you next Tuesday, Mrs. Puff!" Uh, hel-lo? "See you next Tuesday"? Isn't that a euphemism for a more adult term?

There's others, too. All over the place. This is a show for kids, right?

Doctor Update

A recap: Very painful Crohn's flareup right now. Had to go to the doc on Friday afternoon. Here's what happened...

So, he confirmed that yes, indeed, I'm flaring up. Duh. So, he gives me medicine. First one: 500 mg of Pentasa, two pills, twice a day. Second one: three mg of Endocort, three pills, once a day. He then gave me Vicodin for the pain until the other stuff kicks in (so far, not happening). I now have to call the office this week and set up and appointment for my Remicade infusion. And, I have to go get an endoscope next Monday.

What's that? An endoscope? But I thought Crohn's was in the intestines...doesn't an endoscope go through the mouth?

Yes, an endoscope. Yes, my Crohn's is in my ileum. Yes, an endoscope goes down in to the stomach through the mouth.

It turns out that the last time I was hospitalized (December 2006), they performed both a colonscopy and endoscope. During the endoscope, they discovered that I have an ulcer. An ulcer! Can't ever imagine why!? So, the doc wants to go in and see how that ulcer is doing. Of course, he makes it sound so easy. In the meantime, this is what I have to do:

Hubby has to take a day off work. I need someone to take me to the hospital and drive me home after. There also needs to be someone home to watch the kids. Hubby will do that, maybe bring them to the park or something for a couple of hours. I have to starve myself starting midnight the night before. That means no coffee on Monday. NO COFFEE. My appointment isn't until 11:30! Thank goodness they give me good drugs, otherwise, the migraine that is going to ensue from no coffee will kill me. Once I am home, I will be so out of it. It should prove for some funny stuff. Too bad we don't have a video camera. They will also probably do a biopsy. No reason why, they just like to cut tissue while they're in there just in case. I don't have cancer. I think they just like to cut and make it hurt.

So, this is my life right now. Popping pills, laying in bed, feeling bad because I don't have the energy to take my kids down the street to the park. It's enough to make dinner or load the dishwasher. I do my best, but sometimes, it doesn't feel good

Friday, July 25, 2008

Entre Nous

Since I am now heading to the shower and probably won't be able to log back in till Monday, I leave you with the wise words of Rush to ponder for the weekend.

We are secrets to each other
Each one's life a novel
No one else has read
Even joined in bonds of love
We're linked to one another
By such slender threads

We are planets to each other
Drifting in our orbits
To a brief eclipse
Each of us a world apart
Alone and yet together
Like two passing ships

Just between us
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes fear to show
Just between us
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room for you and I to grow

We are strangers to each other
Full of sliding panels
An illusion show
Acting well rehearsed routines
Or playing from the heart?
It's hard for one to know


We are islands to each other
Building hopeful bridges
On a troubled sea
Some are burned or swept away
Some we would not choose
But we're not always free


Rush, "Permanent Waves", 1980, "Entre Nous"

A Toast To Memories

These friends I spoke of before...

One of them brought up something that brought us together back in March. March! March 6th to be exact. All because there was too much TMI in the forums that day.

Who would've thought that today, exactly four months and 19 days, we'd still be talking. Some of us have even text each other and spoken on the phone! Others have met in real life!

There has been love and laughter. A lot of hugs and kisses.

Some of us have had to change our screen names (won't say why, not even in my diary). Some have opened new shops. Had big changes in their lives.

And yet, we all still come together. In one spot. To "talk" and laugh and be silly and even cry sometimes. Still, after all this time.

To this, I raise my margarita in one hand and my glass of box o' wine in the other.


I'm going to see the doc at 3:15 today (or 15:15 for you military types). It was going to be Monday afternoon. Funny how when you mention that you're in an incredible amount of pain and request pain killers that they fit you in within a couple of hours. Yay for pain!


Sorry for the last post. I'm sure it offended some people. I just needed to get that out. Being chronically ill sucks the big one.

So, now that the snarkiness is out of my system, it's time to pick myself back up.

I've got people rallying behind me. They're making me smile. All is becoming right with the world.

I'm going to call my doc within the next half hour. Hopefully, they can either see me today, or give me something to get through until I can get in. We'll see. They're usually pretty understanding.

So, now, I'm going to check and see if Spongebob is on yet. Then I can really laugh at silliness.

And, my three-year-old is quiet. Things could be getting interesting real soon...


First off, I must say (picture hearing a seething voice, through gritted teeth),

"I hate this fucking disease."

I hate the fucking pain that's associated with it.

My husband was trying to say good bye to me before he left for work. Lately, he gets a bit frisky to make me think of him during the day (I do that anyway, I don't need the friskiness, although it is nice). So, this morning, he pushed down a little too hard on my belly. I saw stars. He quickly got up and practically ran out the door with barely an "I love you".

I fucking hate it. No one deserves this. He doesn't deserve it. My kids deserve a mommy that's not sick.

Even on medicine, I still get sick. True, the flares are longer in between, but they still come. Then, this feeling comes on again.

I'm not doing a pity me sch peal. I'm just venting. One needs to do that. And I apologize for the strong language.

I first got sick at age 17. I'm 33 now. I've had two hospitalizations. I've had two blood transfusions. The first transfusion later almost made me lose my pregnancy with my son because of some really rare antigen in it. I miss out on so much because I get too sick to partake in anything. I will have this for the rest of my life. There is no cure; only maintenance. Fucking great.

And, now to be shunned by my husband.

I fucking hate this disease.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Quitting Smoking

I decided to quit smoking. After 21 years. Yes, I started when I was 12. Yes, I used to steal my dad's smokes. Yes, I used to be able to go to the corner store prior to turning 18 and buy them (we used to get away with saying the smokes were for our parents).

But, after all this time, I figured it was time to quit.

On Monday, July 14, 2008, I began my journey.

It hasn't been easy. The cravings sometimes get really bad. But, I breath, talk a walk, do something else and they go away.

I have also begun exercising.

We had gotten a Wii a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I'm addicted to Rock Band now (I even have a set of drumsticks aquired from Neil Peart that I use for the drums. My kids use the sticks that came with it to beat each other with.). A week ago, we aquired Wii Fit.

I have one word for Wii Fit: awesome.

It has yoga, aerobics, strength exercises and balancing exercises. It weighs you, checks your BMI. I can feel and see my progress after even just one week (although I haven't been able to exercise due to my previous post ~ it hurts too much). Already, though, I can jog in place for 4 minutes and not even feel winded! I've already pushed myself up to 20 jacknifes! I'm so proud! And my tummy is even flatter!

So, I'm getting through this not smoking. I feel powerful over the cravings. I feel powerful that I haven't had a smoke since 11:23 pm on Sunday, July 13, 2008.

See the chronicled pics here:


I've been so bored the last couple of days. I have Crohn's Disease and have been flaring a bit. So, because of that, I'm needing to rest and stay close to the bathroom. My side hurts to lift anything, so even doing laundry is out. I get tired so easily that cooking dinner is a major feat.

Crohn's Disease. How does one delicately describe this affliction? Since I'm bored, I'll try my best.

Crohn's affects everyone who has it a bit differently. Some have problems in their colon, others in their small intestine. Crohn's has the ability to affect everything from the start of the digestive system (mouth) to the end (I'm sure you can guess where that is). On me, it affects the ileum; that's the little flap that goes between your small and large intestines.

When I have a flare, I get a lot of pain on my right side just under my ribcage. Now, before I'm told that it's my gallbladder or liver, it's not. Trust me. I had everything tested for seven years before coming to a conclusion of Crohn's.

Once the pain starts, I know that the gas and runs aren't too far off. That's the fun part. To be a girl that farts and gets away with it because I have a condition. My husband hates it - he doesn't think it's funny at all that I fart. On the other hand, because I have the mentality of a 12 year old boy, I think it's friggin hysterical. So do my kids. They think it's funny that mommy Heine burps.

So, I fart.

And then other things happen. I won't go into that because that's just gross. I mean really gross. But, it's all part of the disease. You deal with it. It interrupts your life. You move on.

The medicine I take for it (which I missed my last dose due to illness) is called Remicade. This shit's expensive! Just the medicine alone is $10,000! This does not include saline, needles, etc. It's an IV infusion that I'm supposed to get every two months. It takes about two hours to be infused. Not fun when you've got two kids and need to keep them happy in a doctor's office for that long. It's a nasty medicine that suppresses your immune system. While on it, I have to be tested for TB. I can't have any kind of cold before the infusion. Every bug that flies along the sicky highway crashes into me and I'm sicker longer than anyone in my house. Great stuff, let me tell you.

Of course, when I have a flare, I also get some good stuff. Usually, the pain is bad enough to require pain killers. And, I'm not talking Tylenol 3. I'm talking percocet and vicodin. I've been on and off pain killers for so many years that I have to take the harder stuff. It's quite fun, though. The pain goes away and I get sillier than normal. Give me a drink and we're good to go!

So, I keep my chin up. The Remicade flowing. Pop some pain killers. Fart a lot. Poop even more.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Good Friends

Ever find people that become such good friends that they're like family?

I have a great bunch of friends that I've never even met. We chat all the time, but have never actually met. But, they're the type of people that just care about you no matter what.

I really don't know what I'd do without them...


While doing my daily look at lyrics, I found something perfect for what I'm feeling right now.

Had a big talk with my husband this morning. I feel as though I just jumped into a pool of bleach and am burned raw. Plus, with what I'm dealing with internally, it feels like I then poured salt on those burns. But, this song makes me think of everything in my life, past and present.


I've stood upon my mountaintop
And shouted at the sky
Walked above the pavement
With my sense amplified
I get this feeling...

All my nerves are naked wires
Tender to the touch
Sometimes super sensitive
But who can care too much?
I get this feeling...

Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again

Each emotional injury
Leaves behind its mark
Sometimes they come tumbling out
Like shadows in the dark
I get this feeling...

When I think about all I have seen
And all I'll never see
When I think about the people
Who have opened up to me
I get this feeling...

Snow falls deep around my house
And holds the winter light
I've heard the lions hunting
In the Serengeti night
I get this feeling...

Forests turned to factories
And river, sea, and sky
Hungry child in the desert
And the flies that cloud her eyes
I get this feeling...

Pleasure leaves a fingerprint
As surely as mortal pain
In memories they resonate
And echo back again...

Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again

Rush, "Presto", 1987, "Scars"

How Do You Know...

How do you know if what you feel is truly real? How do you know what is real?

I know I'm real. I know my kids are real. I know that kind of stuff. I'm talking about your feelings. How do you know that they're real?

They say that some people think with their heart and some with their heads. Um, hello? The heart is a muscle; it has no receptors in order to think and feel. Your brain is the one that thinks. It just depends on which side, left or right, that is doing the thinking.

I mean, seriously. How do you know if you're in love with someone? Does it make your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Does your tummy do flip flops? Possibly.

What does it mean when you don't feel that anymore? If you haven't felt that in a long time?

What does that mean?

Actually, I'm a little scared of the answer....

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Ever feel like crying? Like the world as you know it is crashing down around you and you have nothing left but tears?

That's where I am now.

I am at a crossroad right now. I am standing here, wondering which road I take. Do I take the one and keep going as I have been? Do I turn to the left, come clean and hope everything works out for the best? Do I turn right and venture life on my own?

If I continue straight, I feel as though I may live the rest of my life in a lie. I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to the ones I love.

If I turn left, I'll feel cleansed, but terrible. I'll crush the one person that's counting on me right now.

If I turn right, I don't know what the future would hold. I'd be alone. With two children in tow.

I feel so alone right now. I have friends. But I don't know that I can talk about this. I dream of better days. Of feeling what I used to feel. But, I have a feeling that it's too late. So, it's either the left or right roads.

Because, there's no going back now.

Favorite Songs

Although I like Rush before, a good friend turned me on to more of their songs. I'm really beginning to think of them as a new fave band. A lot of their lyrics really speak to me ~ like I was the one sitting down to write them.

Thank you, my friend. :P

The first song, "Time Stand Still" (from the album "Hold Your Fire" in 1987), has to be my number one song right now. There's so many aspects of my life where I wish time would just stop so I can savor the moment. So I can mentally take a picture and remember the moment for a lifetime.

I turn my back to the wind
To catch my breath
Before I start off again.
Driven on without a moment to spend
To pass an evening with a drink and a friend

I let my skin get too thin
I'd like to pause
No matter what I pretend
Like some pilgrim
Who learns to transcend
Learns to live as if each step was the end

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away

I turn my face to the sun
Close my eyes
Let my defences down
All those wounds that I can't get unwound
I let my past go too fast
No time to pause
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain, whose ship runs aground
I can wait until the tide comes around

(Time stand still)
I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Freeze this motion a little bit longer
The innocence slips away
The innocence slips away...

Summer's going fast, nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each impression a little bit stronger
Experience slips away
Experience slips away...
The innocence slips away

The second song, "Losing It" (from the album "Signals" in 1982), perfectly describes how I felt after the last dance class I was able to attend. I remember hearing the applause. I remember limping across the classroom floor. Even reading these lyrics today, the tears spring to my eyes remembering that last day 19 years ago...

The dancer slows her frantic pace
In pain and desperation
Her aching limbs and downcast face
Aglow with perspiration

Stiff as wire, her lungs on fire
With just the briefest pause
The flooding through her memory
The echoes of old applause

She limps across the floor
And closes her bedroom door...

The writer stare with glassy eyes
Defies the empty page
His beard is white, his face is lined
And streaked with tears of rage

Thirty years ago, how the words would flow
With passion and precision
But now his mind is dark and dulled
By sickness and indecision

And he stares out the kitchen door
Where the sun will rise no more...

Some are born to move the world
To live their fantasies
But most of us just dream about
The things we'd like to be
Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you, the blind who once could see
The bell tolls for thee...

Dear Diary.....

I already have a blog. That's for mainly business reasons. But, sometimes, I wish I had someplace where I can vent. I can cry. I can laugh. I can dream.

Ever wish you could do that? When you have so many things going through your head at once that you can't even think straight? That's where I'm at right now. There's so much shit in my head, I'm surprised my brain even has enough room in there.

I'm going to keep this blog on the DL. It's mainly for dumping my thoughts. At times, it may not make sense. At others, it'll keep you rolling in laughter. But, mainly, it's for me to keep my sanity. A place to think things out before I talk to my hubby about them.

So, shhhh...don't tell anyone I'm here...