Sunday, August 31, 2008

Talk

He wants me to come home so we can talk. He's even going to talk his father into taking the kids.

But, I know his idea of talking. He's going to cry the crocodile tears and beg me to stay. OK, maybe not that forward, but that's what it will boil down to. He's already begging me to come home. Guilting me into coming home. Telling me he's having nightmares, Princess is wetting the bed, he misses me.

He says he's here for me to talk and open up. Dude, where have you been for 15 years? Why are you here all of a sudden? And why are you here when it benefits you?

I think he knows what I'm going to say. I think he realizes that I'm done. For some reason, I'm afraid to say it and I know he's afraid to hear it.

This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I don't really want to be a single parent, but what's the alternative? I don't deserve to be mediocre for the rest of my life. I'm almost 34 years old. I have done nothing with my life (well, I do have two beautiful children). Am I saying that I have to make a million dollars and a name for myself? No, but I want to try. I deserve that chance.

Unfortunately, I think he's afraid that I will succeed him and that's why he holds me back. He's always been a little, um, "the man brings home the bacon." Which, hey, whatever. Give a girl a chance, though. I don't want to be hemming pants for the rest of my life. I deserve to be draping fabric on Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie.

Hey, one can dream, can't they?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Thinking

So I sit here thinking. The tears have been rolling free today. I wish they would just stop. I wish the thoughts would stop. I'm taking a break this weekend. Went to my mother's. So I'm posting from her computer.

Mom told me to think of the things that attracted me to my husband. Jeez...that's really drawing on my memory. It's been so long.

First thing that made me look at him? He looked good in his jeans and he had long hair (hey, give me a break...I was 17 when we met). When he sat down and we started talking, I was impressed with how easy it was to talk to him. It thrilled me when he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, he hugged me and then just kissed me on my cheek. Of course, he hadn't given me his pager number and we lost touch for those first couple of weeks, but when we met again, he was so sweet and apologetic that I instantly forgave him.

When we eventually decided to be exclusive, I was so excited. We had such a good time together, talking and laughing. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every day. He never had much money, but he always made sure that I was taken care of.

We moved in together five months after we got together. That's when we discovered that life is not all peaches and cream - we fought constantly. That should've been the first sign.

Somehow, we weathered through the storm of getting used to living together. Either that, or we were just too damn stubborn to give up. Honestly, I think that's what has gotten us through our lives together.

I don't know when the magic went away. I don't know when the warm and fuzzy feelings stopped. I know that those feelings don't stay forever. But, shouldn't I feel something? Maybe what we had has never been "true love"...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Day 45!

I'm sorry. I'm very happy at the moment. I just realized something:

It's been 45 days since my last cigarette.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2809188602/

I am so proud of myself for this. Seriously. There's only two other things I've been prouder of and that's my kids.

Tonight, I celebrate!

Abuse

Over the last couple of months, I've realized that I'm abused. My bruises, however, aren't visible.

I really don't know what's making me realize that for a really long time, he's been abusing me. He holds me back. He turns things around and makes them my fault (even when it's not). He makes me feel as though I need to explain myself and what I do. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to go to the store by myself.

Now, I realize that I've allowed him to do this to me. I wanted to feel loved so bad that I allowed myself to fall into his clutches. I allowed myself to be weak.

Well, not anymore. I will not allow myself to feel like this anymore. It is time to stand up for myself. It is time to be me. I shouldn't have to explain myself. If I want a beer, it doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic. I'm not weird for wanting to watch a ball game. I'm not strange for having a brainstorm at midnight and having to write my story. I'm not weird for liking fantasy and sci-fi. I should not be shunned for having a high IQ.

I AM ME!

It's Over

Have you had that moment when you just knew it wasn't going to work anymore? That it wasn't worth trying anymore?

I felt it this morning.

I was willing to speak to the therapist to find out how I may work through what I've been feeling. What I've been thinking.

We had some words last night. He accused me of some stuff. Saying good bye to him this morning, I felt nothing. And, all I felt was sadness from him. He didn't even tell me he loved me. Usually, he can't leave the house without saying that.

It's over.

I feel sad because he has been a part of my life for so long. I'm scared because I don't know what life holds. I'm excited because I don't know what life holds.

Raise a glass and wish me luck!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Horoscope

September Outlook (from Woman's World, 9/1/08)

"Get ready for an exhilarating time! Neptune and Chiron in your sign now help you live life to the fullest! The world is your oyster, and you're ready to savor every adventure, as Jupiter in Capricorn helps you act boldly in everything you do - especially when Venus sharpens your job focus on the 23rd."

While I'm not big on the stars and horoscopes, this one caught my eye. Usually, I take these things with a grain of salt. But I do find this one pretty good as I think over my recent eye opening.

"Live life to the fullest!" I fully intend to start doing that. No more worrying about what certain people may think of me - my true colors need to be shown and I need to show them!

"Savor every adventure" Yes, I am preparing to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I have no idea where I'm going to end up, but it will be a hell of a ride.

Ironic

Hubby just text me to tell me he's thinking of me.

Funny, I'm thinking of him too. Only I don't think we're thinking the same things...

He was supposed to take the garbage out today. He told me he would. Guess what? He didn't. It was up to me, yet again, to take the garbage out to the curb.

This is no easy task. Our driveway is 2/10 of a mile long. I have to load the trash in the back of my Explorer and then back down the driveway, unload and then drive back up.

I just don't understand why he can't do this either the night before or in the 15 minutes he had leftover this morning after getting ready for work.

I guess the thing that burns my ass is that he said he'd do it. And he didn't.

Not much longer......

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Butterfly

I was described as a butterfly today. A butterfly that had been losing her color by being held tight in a cocoon not of my own making. And that I could never be trapped like that and be happy. That I needed someone to open the cocoon and allow the light to hit my wings and bring the colors forth.

And you know what? It's happening.

I have a very dear friend who has opened that cocoon and made me realize that I am still beautiful and smart and creative. I had forgotten that over the years. I had lost myself. Now that the light is starting to shine again, I can't help but shed the metaphorical cocoon. I can't help be giddy as I flit from flower to flower, tasting their sweet nectar.

I don't know where the wind will carry me, but I'm looking forward to the ride.

OK...Enough Worries Already!

Mom had a mammogram. She got the test results.

They want to do further tests. She's scheduled next week for them.

I know that because of breast density, a mammogram isn't always a reliable test and a woman often needs to have additional tests because of that. I don't really need to worry about this. There isn't anything wrong. She's never told me about feeling any lumps or anything.

Everything is fine.

Right?

Obsessed

I think my husband is obsessed. With me and the kids. All he wants to do is be with us. 24/7/365. It's kinda scary.

He wants to quit his job. And work from home just to be with us.

I mean, it's sweet, I guess, but, umm...yikes!

Sad News

My sister-in-law passed yesterday morning. My brother called Mom last evening. She then called me.

So, we don't know what's going on. He mentioned having some kind of memorial service in a few weeks. Didn't make it sound like we needed to make the trip. But Mom made it sound like we would anyway. Who knows.

Then, we've got the baby coming soon. My great-nephew. I'd like to be out there to meet him as well.

Right now, I'm keeping my thoughts with my brother, nephew and niece. They need it. Especially my niece. Being 18 and pregnant and just losing your mom? I could never imagine...

Rest in peace, Robin...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Happy Post

Through all this, I'm still not smoking! Can you believe it?

All this shit and I don't even want a cigarette.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2801118642/

It's been 42 days!

I think I am officially a non-smoker!

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Therapist

Made the appointments.

Mine is next Friday at 1.

Ours is the week after that at 7.

Bear with me.

Flat

That's how I feel right now.

I'm very angry at myself for not being stronger last night. I allowed him to manipulate me once again. I allowed him to move the fault around and place it entirely on me. So now, I'm sitting here, beating myself up over it.

I left a message for the therapist telling her I wanted to make an appointment for myself and for us both.

I can't live like this. I don't think it's the medicine. Because I keep coming around to this: that I'm not truly happy.

As I raise a glass to my new life (and wherever the winds may take me), please help me gain the strength to do this. I know I've got it, just have to find it.

What Have I Done Now?

Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?

Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.

I did.

But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.

He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.

Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Life Blows

I just read an email that my mom forwarded to me from my brother. We were thinking he dropped off the face of Mother Earth. No, turns out that he has been trying to keep my sister-in-law from dying.

From what I've read, she was diagnosed with lung cancer in late June. It was already Stage IV by the time she was diagnosed; metastasized to multiple places in her body, including her brain. They removed a brain tumor. There was a tumor on her pelvic bone so large that it fractured her pelvis. They zapped that with radiation. The cancer has attacked her lungs, adrenal glands and bone tissue. She's got another tumor growing on her femur that they need to zap, but can't as her strength is not where it needs to be for the radiation.

She's two weeks behind on starting chemo. My brother says that it'll probably be another two weeks before they start that. He said that the doctors think she may not even live that long to start the treatment she needs. If she does, they are going to admit her to the hospital to hit her with so many chemo drugs, that she could die from the side effects alone. But, they'd be doing the treatment that way because of how long it's been since they wanted to start.

But, my brother says that there is a thin ray of hope. They only gave her a 1% chance of surviving the infection she had. She's still kicking. Not hard, but she is. Right now, though, there is nothing they can do to stop the progression as they're waiting for her to regain strength. He says that she can't even roll over without any kind of help. Before they can start treatment, she needs to be able to hold herself up on her walker.

I don't pray, but I won't be stopping thinking of healing thoughts. Positive thinking, right?

I need to figure out how to get to where my brother is. I can't afford it, but I need to get there. He's my big brother. He took care of me when I was a baby. He introduced me to Led Zeppelin when I was still in diapers (he's 15 years older than me). He's 18 hours away by car. Airplane is only a couple of hours. It's not a question on how do I obtain time off from work (I'm a stay-at-home-mom), it's a question of money.

Oh, I'll get out there. Question is: will I be there in time?

Two Weeks Left

So, I have two weeks of the patch left. I just put on the lowest dose of 3 mg. I'm kind of nervous about not having them. Funny thing is, though, I'll take the patch off to shower (the sticky stuff doesn't come off unless you scrub) and I'll forget to put a new one on when I get out. Sometimes, it's two hours later. I don't even think about it. The only reason I put one on is...well, I honestly don't know. I don't think I need it anymore, maybe for the security?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2795658017/

All I can say is, I'm very proud of me!

It's Not Easy

I haven't stopped thinking about the decisions I need to make. This isn't an easy time right now. And it's made more difficult with someone who is still devoted to you.

I don't want to give off the wrong idea. I love him. I truly do. And I'm comfortable with our life. But, I don't know that I want to be just comfortable. I know, having someone who is like a favorite pair of sweat pants is great. I know he'll always be here. I know he'll always fit me.

But, doesn't a person deserve more than just comfort?

And, I'm not talking Cinderella and Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I gave up on the fairy tale years ago. I know that there's no glass slipper, no castle, no white horse. I know that the butterflies fade after time. But doesn't a person deserve someone who shares more than a few interests? Or, for that matter, someone who shares more of the interests that they do?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Understanding

I used to have a lot of anger toward my mom. Not any more.

When I was 15, we moved from my hometown in New Hampshire. I was really upset about that. I had a wonderful group of friends, I was just about to enter high school as a sophomore. We were going to rule the school, our little group. But, Daddy got laid off. The only job he could find clear across the country in Tacoma, Washington. He had found out and left in January of 1990, but Mom and I stayed behind so I could finish my freshman year with my friends.

A few months after we got out to Tacoma in August of that year, Mom went back to New Hampshire to sign papers on the house. While there, she met one of her friends for drinks. Well, it turned out that this friend was male and that they were in love with each other. When she returned home, she made the announcement that she would be divorcing Daddy and she and I were moving back East.

Um. What?

So, that started the anger. In January of 1991 (three days before I was to get my license at 16), we packed up and moved to New Jersey. I was really angry now. I started my new school and never quite fit in. Everyone had their own cliques and I was excluded. This continued until I decided in my senior year to drop out. I was bored anyway. I was understanding the curriculum before the rest of my class; I felt I could be at least earning money for my time. So, during Spring Break, I went and took my GED tests. By the time my class graduated, I had my own apartment and a full-time job as a bookkeeper.

Fast forward to now.

She and I had talked about what she felt when she decided to divorce Daddy. I didn't understand at the time how she could've done that to him. How she could've been so selfish to think of her needs and desires. She told me about how Daddy didn't enjoy the same things she did. She liked going out, to the theatre, movies, anywhere. He didn't.

Guess what? I understand all that now. I'm exactly where she was all those years ago. It's very odd. I know what decision she made.

I wonder what decision I'm going to make.

Fly By Night

OK. Another perfect song. Possibly the most appropriate yet. Even better? It was released the year I was born!

Airport scurry flurry faces
Parade of passers by
People going many places
With a smile or just a sigh
Waiting waiting pass the time
Another cigarette
Get in line - gate thirty-nine
The time is not here yet (end)

Why try? I know why
The feeling inside me says its time I was gone
Clear head, new life ahead
I want to be king now not just one more pawn

Fly by night, away from here
Change my life again
Fly by night goodbye my dear
My ship isnt coming and I just cant pretend

Moon rise, thoughtful eyes
Staring back at me from the window beside
No fright or hindsight
Leaving behind that empty feeling inside

Start a new chapter
Find what I'm after
It's changing every day
The change of a season
Is enough of a reason
To want to get away

Quiet and pensive
My thoughts apprehensive
The hours drift away
Leaving my homeland
Playing a lone hand
My life begins today


Rush, "Fly By Night", Fly By Night, 1975

Slow Day

Well, I just finished my grocery shopping online. Yippee! Pick that up around 2 pm. How I love someone else doing my grocery shopping. I hate trying to organize shopping with two little ones in tow. There's always something that they absolutely need (which they don't, but they think they do). And when I tell them "no", they will proceed to act as though they are being murdered. I don't give in and if they keep it up, I leave the store. That's right. I will leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of the aisle and leave. My kids don't scare me. I scare them.

Next thing to do is laundry. Well, that's ongoing throughout the day. I hate that worse than shopping. At least groceries are only once a week. Laundry is everyday for a family of four. Ugh.

Next is to call our therapist. I'm going to make an appointment for me, alone, and one for the both of us. I think I've made my decision. He said some things last night and this morning that told me nothing will ever change. Ever. I will never be the person I deserve to be hanging around here.

So, for now, I will keep up this double life that I feel forced to lead until I figure out the details of how to proceed from here.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Prime Mover

A good friend told me about this song. I was talking to him about the things that I've been thinking about. He had been just listening to this song and told me about it. I immediately Googled the lyrics, found it on YouTube. After all that, I decided that I had to memorialize this song in my blog.

It scares me that Rush has so many songs that fit so perfectly with my life. It's really uncanny.

Basic elemental
Instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive

Alternating currents
In a tidewater surge
Rational resistance
To an unwise urge
Anything can happen

From the point of conception
To the moment of truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
Anything can happen

Basic temperamental
Filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize

Alternating currents
Force a show of hands
Rational responses
Force a change of plans
Anything can happen

From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle
Moving back and forth

From the point of entry --
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure
Is not to return
Anything can happen

I set the wheels in motion
Turn up all the machines
Activate the programs
And run behind the scene

I set the clouds in motion
Turn up light and sound
Activate the window
And watch the world go round --

Anything can happen

Rush, "Prime Mover", Hold Your Fire, 1987

Lessons

Found it! An almost perfect song for the moment!

Sweet memories flashing very quickly by
Reminding me giving me a reason why
I know that my goal is more than a thought
Ill be there when I teach what Ive been taught

You know we've told you before
But you didn't hear us then
So you still question why
You didn't listen again

Sweet memories I never thought it would be like this
Reminding me just how close I came to missing
I know that this is the way for me to go
You'll be there when you know what I know

Rush, "Lessons," 2112, 1976

So, as I reflect back on my and my mom's conversation yesterday, this song reminds me of what we talked about.

We were talking about how happy I was when I had friends that held me up, encouraged me. Loved me for all my geekness in school (yes, i was a geek). I gave all that up. I lost me! And, all these years, my mom has told me this. Time after time.

I know she has. But I didn't listen.

I don't know what has changed, but I'm listening now. I'm ready to finally hear it.

The memories of who I used to be are flooding me. The thoughts of who I can be are flooding me. If I can figure out how to combine the young with the maturing (never adult, I refuse to grow up), I'll be OK.

In fact, I know I'll be OK.

Medicine, A Decision and Thoughts

So, with just a little over a week left on the prednisone, the heartburn has set in to stay for the duration. Fourth day now. And it's bad. Can't lie down. Can't sit up. Maybe if I stand on my head, that'll work. Hmmm, maybe not, because then gravity would help the acid go into my esophagus. For now, I'm taking Zantac 150mg twice a day. Did my doc tell me to? No. But I need some relief and I know he'll tell me it's not the medicine. I am also looking into herbal pain relievers. Have found a few that are supposed to be as effective as prescriptions. They are white willow bark, boswellia and passionflower. Still reading up on them before I go to the store to get some. Oh, and the sleeping pills are losing effectiveness as well. Only 4 hours last night. Gonna be real interesting the next week.

My decision? I'm going to reopen my shop. Very soon. I've been posting in the forum for a few months now. I'm jealous that others are being able to share their art. I'm tired of being pushed down. I'm ready to burst and I have no where to release that. Even if I don't sell anything, I'll be happy that I'm at least sharing. I know what the economy is like right now. But, I also know that the holidays are soon arriving and if I don't get in now, I'll be in trouble. So, keep an eye out for me....

Thoughts? This one, I had some help from my mom on. She and I had a very lengthy phone call yesterday. See, I'm going through what she went through almost 20 years ago. I think I've come to a major decision about my life, and I needed to talk to someone. Someone who would know. Mom knows (don't Moms know everything?).

I told her that I've realized that I don't think Hubby will ever come and emotionally support me the way I need him to. I need someone who will encourage me, challenge me, go to the theatre with me (without complaining), listen to the symphony, not look at me with three heads when I want to purchase "The Chronicles of Narnia" (yes, this happened the other day). In other words, have more interests like mine. I have realized that a lot of the hobbies I have are because of Hubby. I like them because I want him to like me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what we do together, but I want so much more.

I deserve more. I'm sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting. Don't I deserve someone also sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting? Don't get me wrong, Hubby is all those things, but not in the way that I need. I want someone who understands my need to go to McDonald's this week and purchase Kids' Meals (uh, Star Wars toys anyone?). I need someone who understands that I need a creative outlet. Hubby will never understand that. I love Hubby desperately, but neither of us deserve this.

I'm scared of what's next. I haven't made a permanent decision yet (although, I'm well on my way). Mom suggested I make an appointment with our therapist for just me. I think that's a great idea. Funny thing is, I'm OK with what's going through my head. I feel a peace washing over me that I haven't had in years. Maybe this is my time now. Maybe I can finally do things my way. On my own (well, me and my babies anyway).

And you know what? I'm OK with this.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Finding Yourself

I think that I'm finally finding myself. I've been living under a rock for too many years. Well, not literally...

Ever feel like that? I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I'm starting to see the light. My mind is awash with ideas and designs. I need about two bolts of muslin. That might not even be enough to create everything I have in mind.

I just have to convince Hubby that I need to do this. I need to create. I need the outlet. And I need to do it my way (cue Frank Sinatra).

Somehow, though, I have a feeling that he won't be so supportive of my way. I don't know why. I just don't. But, I can't worry about that anymore.

It's my time.

It's my turn.

It's my way.

Pain

I thought the Prednisone was supposed to curb the pain. It was supposed to make the inflammation go down. It was supposed to stop the flare.

It hasn't.

The pain isn't as bad as it was a month ago. That's an improvement. But, I was just thinking that since I've only got another week and a half to go on the Pred that I'd be pain free. Stupid doctor.

I know I need a colonoscopy. At the very least. I have a blockage. OK! Pay me the big bucks! I've made an educated diagnosis! And I didn't have to spend $200K for a quality education and a piece of paper that makes me think I'm God and treat everyone else like shit.

So, while I wait for my infusion nurse to call me back, I sit in agony. I don't want to call the jerk doctor. He'll probably tell me everything is in my head and I need a shrink. Jerk. Guess I could call my primary. Maybe I'll even see if the Urgent Care takes our insurance, then I don't have to drive far.

Maybe tomorrow. My bed is too inviting today. :)

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Re-Open

I want to re-open my shop. Seriously. I need to start making stuff and selling it again. But, I don't know if I should. I don't want hubby to know that I'm listing on the site I'm not supposed to.

But, I want to sell. I have all these design ideas. I want to make a name for myself. I deserve to try. I deserve to whore my talent out. Don't I?

I mean, I work hard. But, I'm starting to lose myself already by staying at home all the time. I have no outlet. I make stuff, but I have no where to show it off. I have no where to be proud of myself. Who sees my stuff right now? Friends? Family. Woo hoo.

I deserve to have something to show off to the rest of the world. The free site that I have is going nowhere. No one looks at it. Oh, wait, my mom visited the site yesterday. That doesn't count. I need customers. I need the public looking.

So, I started thinking that I need to clandestinely open a new shop. I just haven't figured out how yet. That's still circling around in my head.

Of course, I have to get some new inventory. It's starting to get chilly. Guess I'll have to start designing some fall/winter clothes. Well, I've started doing research on what's hot this fall. We'll see how that goes.

Just need to make the decision on whether I should actually do this or not...Any opinions would be appreciated.

Healthwise

I called my doc the other day after the second insomnia incident. He completely blew me off! Actually had the balls to tell me that Prednisone doesn't have that effect on people. That the emotions I was experiencing was psychosis. That I needed to contact my primary care physician. I took it as, "not my problem, so I'm going to say you're crazy."

So, I took some valerian root, spoke with a pharmacist and went on our road trip. Have been taking sleeping pills since Thursday night. It sucks. The valerian helps with the edginess some, but not entirely. I think I'm now counting to 50 instead of 10 before I lose it. Sometimes, it's hard to take a breath, but I get through it. The sleeping pills leave me groggy the next morning. Which really bites. The sedative has worn off, so I'm awake, but I can't sleep any longer. No matter what I try. I don't know what's worse: not being able to sleep at all, or being exhausted and still not able to sleep.

So, I am now in the market to find a new gastroenterogist. I sent my current doctor a fax yesterday basically telling him off. And to thank him for dismissing me. Haven't heard from him. Wasn't expecting to. I'm just really pissed that he could do that. Here's the fax I sent him:

I just wanted to make you aware that the medicine (Prednisone) that your office prescribed me does, indeed, have side effects such as those that I have been experiencing. I have had severe insomnia, restlessness, and anxiety for about two weeks now. As per the instructions on the medication insert, I contacted my doctor, who told me that it wasn't the medicine. Well, after confirming with a licensed pharmacist, it is the medicine. But, don't worry, I will take care of myself and I will be finding myself a new physician.
Thank you for dismissing me,
Cyndi
Now, what I find disturbing about the whole thing, is that my doctor doesn't even know the side effects of the medicine that he's prescribing. The side effects, straight from the medication insert: Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away: upset stomach, stomach irritation, vomiting, headache, dizziness, insomnia, restlessness, depression, anxiety, acne, increased hair growth, easy bruising, irregular or absent menstrual periods.

Thankfully, I haven't experienced the vomiting, acne or hair growth.

What scares me is that prednisone also lessens your immune system. Yeah, that's right, it decreases your body's ability to fight infection. Um. Aren't I also on an immunosuppresant? Hello? Is this thing on? I'm figuring that I need to construct a bubble with it's own air supply for the next couple of weeks. No contact with anyone. Between the two meds, I probably don't have any white blood cells left. What fun.

I guess I wouldn't mind any of this if I felt that it was actually working. I'm about to take a Percocet. I haven't had to take pain meds for a week. I took some on Sunday. Gritted my teeth yesterday and today, I can't barely move for the pain. This is why I need a new doc - this one doesn't want to hear this. I know I have a partial blockage. I know that. I had this same pain last time. So, finding a new doc is priority today. Yippee. Here we go.

Wish me luck!

I'm Ba-ack!!!! (The Vacation Post)

Well, Hubby drove off to work about 45 minutes ago. I'm already on the computer checking things. I don't have a problem. No, not at all.

We began vacation with dropping the kids at my father-in-law's and then tubing down the Delaware River. What a wonderful, relaxing day. Just letting the current of the river take you down. Here's some pictures here: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=jy3wjr5.68o8z3q9&x=0&y=-trd0fb&localeid=en_US

The remainder of vacation was wonderful! We had such a blast at the amusement park (Knoebels). It was like a huge county fair and so not like any other amusement park. It was free to walk in, you only had to pay per ride (or buy an all-day wristband like we did), pay for any games you wanted to play and, of course, food and drink. We rode trains and carousels. The kids rode everything they could. It was great.

The next day, we drove from the hotel to Steamtown. This is a national historic park as well as a working train yard. We got to ride on an old steam train that pulled two antique coaches. We got to see this engine and tender pull onto the turntable. We got to read about the history of the rails. We then got to ride on a 1929 trolley through the streets of Scranton. That was so cool!

After Steamtown, we went to Claws 'N Paws. This is a medium-sized zoo with all kinds of animals. This was pretty cool. Got to see all kinds of animals. Got to feed and pet some, including a giraffe! That was the best! I even got to see my favorite animal - Bengal tigers. What gorgeous animals they are!

On Sunday, we had the Princess' party. The weather was perfect. The park was wonderful. The kids behaved. Friends and family joined us. We had such a good time. Of course, my gut decided that I had had enough fun, but I didn't let it ruin my little girl's day. I made sure that she still had a perfect day. Which I think she did. She looked so happy and she looked like she was having the time of her life. Which made the pain that I was in worth it.

So, here's photos from the road trip: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=jy3wjr5.68o8z3q9&x=0&y=-trd0fb&localeid=en_US.
And here's photos from the party: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=jy3wjr5.bv3y7cv5&x=0&y=-vbis4m&localeid=en_US.

So, all-in-all, we had a good vacation. Got to spend time together. Got to take an impromptu road trip. Got a birthday party in.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Checking In!

Oh boy! What a week!

We have barely done a damn thing! Oh, wait, we put the new breakfast bar up in the kitchen and a new fence. In a week. Today, though, we're going to an amusement park, then to a hotel in the Poconos, then a steam train ride tomorrow morning and then a zoo. Yes, we're trying to cram a whole vacation into two day. Oh, yeah, we did start off his vacation by taking a nice lazy tube ride down the Delaware River. That was awesome. Hope to upload photos next week.

Saturday, we're grocery shopping the taking the Princess shopping for her princess party dress for Sunday. She's turning 5 *sniff*. Saturday night, I have to make cucumber salad and deviled eggs. Sunday, I have to get a party ready for a 5 year old. Then, Monday, it's all back to normal. Oh, wait, they'll be six million new toys for the kids to fight over. Yippee!

Let's see...what's new?

The Prednisone that my doc put me on is making me crazy. I was able to get about two hours of sleep last night. I was up playing Rock Band for 3 hours (see, proof: http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2762931356/, http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2762931364/). Yes, this is what I do when I can't sleep. I play Rock Band. Funny thing, though, I couldn't make my fingers do any better than Easy level. So, I created a new band called MILF and played the Easy Tour. I fucking rocked it out. We're talking 98%-100% accurate. I had a 369 note streak! 369! If only I could play that good when I'm wide awake. Then I laid in bed staring at the news. For an hour and a half. I think I finally fell asleep around 6:30. I was up and running by 8. Wait, that's only an hour and a half of sleep. Woo hoo! Should make for an interesting day.

How's my smoking? Well, how does ONE WHOLE MONTH SMOKE FREE sound? What was that? Yes, ONE WHOLE MONTH. I'm so proud! I made kissy faces to the camera this morning: http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2762941472/. This is what anxiety and no sleep does to a person...they make stupid kissy faces and show off cleavage. :)

OK. Time to go. Have to get the garbage to the curb and pack. If I don't do that, Hubby will be mighty angry...

Till Monday!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Out Again

Another FYI post in case anyone is looking for me next week:

Hubby has taken vacation.

To keep up with the guise of not being online, I will not be logging into Blogger or the other site I frequently visit. Oh, wait...he's got a doctor's appointment next Thursday. If I can get out of going with him....

I don't want anyone to worry. Everything is OK. I just can't be perusing these sites when he's home. He'd never understand. But I still love him.

And I love all of you.

Seamstress!!!!

Yay! Finally! A bite on my sewing abilities fishing line! A local dinner theatre may be needing my services to help with costumes for their shows!!!!!

Wow! An opportunity to be involved in the theatre again! OK, so not on the same level as I was, but I'll take what I can get.

This is not a run-down place. It's pretty fancy. Their meals are based on the seasons. They have a German pastry chef in their employ. They do weddings and banquets and shows and comedy nights.

http://www.hhplayhouse.com/

I've been here as a guest for Hubby's company Holiday parties. They have them there every year. The food is delicious and the drinks are not stingy.

While on the phone with the owner's son (yes, my contact), he invited me and my husband to be his guest at a show opening next month. You know, so I can get a feel of their costumes and productions and such. His guest! His personal guest! And I can bring friends! Wow!

Now, please excuse me as I jump around the room in a crazy excited dancing frenzy!

Remicade Question

From the comments yesterday: "there's not any nasty side effects apart from the bummer immune system?"

Well, actually, because of the bummer immune system, there are tons of nasty side effects. Serious infections, including tuberculosis, sepsis and pneumonia can happen. There have been rare reports of lymphoma (a blood cancer) occurring in some people. COPD can develop. If you're a carrier of Hepatitis B, that can redevelop. Rare cases of liver damage have been reported, including fatal damage. Blood and nerve disorders have been reported. Any and all of these reports have the potential to be fatal.

There are also allergic reactions that can happen while you're being infused or within a week or two after. These include: respiratory problems, hives, chest pain, high or low blood pressure, swelling of the face and hands, and fever or chills.

Most common side effects? Headache, stomach pain, respiratory infections, rash and coughing. Luckily, I just get these last things.

House Cleaning

I hate house cleaning. Hate it bad enough I try and do as little as possible.

This is odd because I really am a neat freak.

I like things in their place. If you open my cabinets, you'd be impressed. All my pots and pans have their place. My baking stuff, theirs. My plates are very neat and organized. My knives all have their own spot in the block. My storage bins are neatly stacked and the lids are all together in a larger bin.

So, why is it, when it comes to the rest of the house, I can't seem to get my butt in gear?

I think it's because it never ends. There's always laundry. I have a 4 year old (soon to be 5) and a 3 year old. Picking up behind them happens all day. They don't quite understand the fact that they're old enough to start cleaning up after themselves. They are still of the mindset that that's what Mommy is for.

Mommy is for cleaning and cooking. And boo-boos. And dancing. And carting sippie cups from room to room. And fetching blankies for nap times.

Hey...wait...where's my French maid outfit, then? Hmmm...off to dig through the laundry...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Remicade

I don't know that I've spoken about my nasty medicine before. I think I've only mentioned it seeing as I haven't had a treatment since starting this blog. Well, I had a treatment today. What a waste of a day.

Remicade was first approved as a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. It has since been approved to be used for a variety of autoimmune disorders including Crohn's disease. What it does is basically prevent a person's body from attacking its own organs. See, for whatever reason, my immune system has deemed my intestines as an invader. Because of that, my body has created antibodies to try and destroy my intestines. Remicade works to prevent those antibodies from winning. For more detailed information, visit here: http://www.remicade.com/remicade/global/understanding/understanding.html.

When first beginning Remicade, you begin with a treatment every two weeks for the first six weeks. After that, you go a month in between for a couple of times. Once you reach maintenance level, you have to go every two months. I am at that stage now. I visit my infusion nurse every two months for two hours at a time.

During my treatment, my nurse mixes my medicine with a saline solution. This stuff is pretty nasty and expensive. One treatment costs upwards of $10,000 (USD). That's just the medicine! Then, there's the cost for the supplies to administer it! Remicade is administered via IV. I get hooked up to a needle and bag and sit for two hours while this nasty stuff is dripped into my vein. So, the kids and I play, I'll text or surf the net on my cell. Pretty much try to find things to pass this time. It's hard to keep the kids busy for two hours!!!!

I keep saying nasty medicine because it is. It suppresses my immune system. This means that any bug out there, I'll get. And when I get it, I get it twice as bad as everyone else because my body isn't making antibodies as readily as a healthy person. I recently had bronchitis for six weeks! And I have to be really careful...there's a warning of tuberculosis with this medicine. And, because it's such a strong medicine, the drip has to be carefully monitored so it doesn't go in too quickly. And my blood pressure has to be taken constantly to make sure I don't pass out. So, yeah, it's pretty nasty and dangerous stuff.

So, today, I took some pictures and posted them to Flickr. I had never thought to photograph or otherwise record my treatments. Never thought that anyone would be interested in this boring thing in my life. I do warn you, the first link is a picture of the IV in my arm, for those of you who are squeamish.


If you have questions, just post them in the comments and I'll do a follow up post answering what I can! :)

What If List

OK. I must begin this post by stating that I have been with my husband since I was 17. As stated previously, I am 33 now. This December marks 16 years that we have been together. We got married in 2003, had our daughter that August and then our son followed in March of 2005. We've had our bumps (OK, potholes) in the road, but we're working on them.

So, this post by no means means that I'm about to go off and do a bunch of guys. I don't want that. However, that being said, there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy.

Hence, the What If List.

Ah, the What If List. That came about one night while I was still working a couple of years ago. My best friend and I used to work together and it was a slow night at the store. We started talking about some of the cute guys we worked with. We started to imagine what it would be like to be with them. It wasn't as though we were going to start hitting on them and sleeping with them, it was just nice to imagine.

Over the last couple of years, we have added to this list. It has included strangers that we've passed at the store while shopping, friends, celebrities. It's actually pretty interesting.

What's fun about it...it's pure fantasy. These poor, unsuspecting guys are probably doing things that they never dreamed about! Heehee

Heck, there's guys on there that I never would've thought I'd want on there. Some of them are completely opposite of what I usually go for. But maybe that's the point. Maybe the point is to keep it to guys I normally wouldn't be attracted to in order to keep it fantasy. Hopefully, it doesn't mean that my tastes have changed. I love my bad-boy biker hubby.

Although, there are a couple of guys on my list that I wouldn't mind finding out for sure what they're like (and they know who they are)....

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dave Barry's Colonscopy Journal

I had to share this. I was laughing hysterically because it's so true!!!!

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make anappointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels trave l into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle i n a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all t he songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ‘Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

What Sucks About the Internet

You can't get your point across correctly. Ever. All there are are words. There's never emotions. And people don't look at the emoticons you post.

Some try to post something tongue in cheek. Another reads what was posted, takes it the wrong way and goes on the defense. The original poster then needs to go back, explain themselves and apologize for offending the person that didn't understand what was written.

Sometimes, I feel as though a disclosure should be typed before any joking goes on: "Please be advised, what I'm about to type is meant as a joke and nothing more. Please don't read into it and please do not be offended by it. Thanks."

Sometimes, I try to be really light in my wording. Just so people can get that I'm only playing. I know the emotion I'm feeling while I'm typing. It's just really difficult to get that emotion across with just words. So, I try to add a smiley face. But that doesn't always work.

Maybe what needs to happen is this: people need to relax. What I type may not be your opinion or how you feel. Why does one feel the need to attack another for lack of agreeing with them?

Day 24!

I think I may as well admit it: I'm a former smoker. I'm done. Seriously. If I've made it this long, then I must be done. I will still post pics and updates from time to time. I will also finish out the patches (still have four weeks to go). But, unless the cravings get bad, I don't know that I'll blog about it anymore.

But, taking the pics sure is fun! http://flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2738903182/

Now I Remember!!!!!

I just thought of the photo I took of Little Man yesterday morning! I think that's what I wanted to write about...maybe not, but this is funny anyway!

Yesterday, Little Man decided to wake up between five and five thirty. Insane, I know, but he's an early riser. Makes for one tired mama, though, as I'm a night owl and go to bed around midnight most nights.

Anyway.

At around eight or eight thirty, he decided to crawl up beside me in my bed and go back to sleep for a little while. I had changed him out of his overnight diaper into his monster truck pull ups, which he loves because they're like undies, but he can still not use the toilet (lazy boy).

A little while later, I look over at him (I love watching the kids sleep, there's nothing better). Then I did a double take.

There he was, laying on his back, with BOTH his hands in his pull up! Like, all he needed was a beer and the remote!

What is this? My girl didn't do this. Is this a guy thing? Do guys need to make sure things are still down there? I mean, even when I change him, his hands are automatically drawn there. I just don't get it. What is the fascination?

Any help, guys?

I Had a Topic

I actually had something that I was going to start today off with. Thought of it last night. Now I can't remember it. Ugh...I hate when that happens!

I will say this, though. Just had a laugh with Hubby. I haven't been pooping much despite being in the flare. Problem? The pain killers have stopped the works up. So, I just pooped. And he cheered! Who ever knew two people could be so excited about poop?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

My Beauty Element is Fire




Your Beauty Element is Fire



Wild and sexy, you keep your beauty style smokin' hot.

You're not afraid of glamour or showing off your assets!

I Am Ballet

Perfect!!!!




You Are Ballet



You are quite introverted. You enjoy keeping to yourself and cultivating your talents.

You are dedicated and focused. If practice makes perfect, you're willing to keep practicing.



While some people may dismiss you as boring, you can be quite edgy and interesting.

You can fit in almost anywhere... and your style ranges from conservative to funky.

I'm 76% Sexy!

These are fun!!!!!





You Are 76% Sexy



Your Sex Appeal Is: Extremely High



You're very sexy. You just have that certain something that takes over a room.

You know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. You are truly appealing.

MRSA Update

OK...heard back from the hospital. Good news! Well, as good as can be with this.

I am not a risk. I just carry the bug on me.

That sounds gross. But, it is kinda gross.

I guess, at some point in my life, I came across the MRSA bug. Instead of infecting me with the nasty staph infection, it decided to lay dormant. So, even though I've tested positive for having it, I am at no risk to me, my family or my friends. I actually don't even have to worry about it unless I happen to cut myself, it gets infected and doesn't start to heal within a couple of days.

Basically, what happened in November was this: I was admitted for a same-day procedure (my Remicade infusion). Since they did the test that day, they didn't have the results and when the results came in the hospital sent them to my admitting doctor's office. It was his office that failed to contact me regarding the results. So, now, I've got to call them and find out why they said they didn't know anything about it yesterday.

What a fucking mess.

Well, what's important are these things: I'm just a carrier. I'm not at risk to anyone - especially my kids. Just have to be careful with any and all cuts from now on.

Guess I'll stop shaving my legs, pits and........

Um, yeah, right, like that would happen!

I Am A Thong?




You Are a Thong



You are daring and outrageous.

You love attention in almost any form, and you'll do a lot to get noticed.



You are proud of your body. You work hard to look good.

Swimsuit season is your favorite time of the year. It gives you a chance to show off your assets!

My Love Style is Eros




Your Love Style is Eros



For you, love is all about the passion!

And chances are, you're currently in love.

You have a strong physical response to love...

And you are great at committing

(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

Still Quit

So, I'm still going strong at quitting smoking. And, I've decided that if I can make it through a flare, Hubby hurting his back, the crap with the hospital (which I left a message with the woman I was to contact and am still waiting word back), and STILL not smoke, I'm going to be OK!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2736054382/

So, please celebrate with me as I pat myself on the back!

MRSA

For those of you who don't know...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mrsa/DS00735

So, I'm Still Alive...

Hubby left for work at 6:48 this morning. I hope he takes it easy and doesn't push himself too much. He has a tendency to do that, and he can't do that in this case. If he hurts his back again, I'm sure that he'll be out for much longer than a few days. His doctor yesterday didn't want him going back to work today, but the doc could tell that he wouldn't be changing his mind. So, stubborn man that he is, my hubby went to work. Gotta love him, though.

Got through yesterday well enough. My appointment was at 11:30, but they didn't take me until almost 12:30. When I got there, in addition to my hospital bracelet, they put a yellow bracelet on. I asked the kid that put it on what it was for and he said he didn't know. It wasn't until after I got changed and the intake nurse started my paperwork that I found out that I got the yellow band because I had tested positive for MRSA.

MRSA? What the hell?

I have never had a staff infection. I don't have any lesions that aren't healing. I was in the hospital for a weekend in December of 2006. I also had a blood transfusion at the time. Could I have contracted it from the hospital?

What I don't understand is this: why didn't the hospital contact me after I tested positive? Wouldn't you think that with such a nasty, contagious disease, they'd think I'd want to know?

I have had no symptoms. I have had no problems. I'm a bit pissed that no one told me, though. Guess they care more about getting their bills paid rather than telling people that they're ill. Well, they're in for a rude awakening. Possibly a contact from an attorney on my part. For possibly putting my family and friends in danger. Not to mention the worry I'm feeling right now. And pissed.

So, anyway.

The endoscope was pretty uneventful. I finally got in the procedure room with my doc. He gave me Demerol and some massive Valium. Within about 5 minutes, I was off in la-la land. It was great. Afterward, they gave me pictures of my insides. How beautiful. And gave this post-op diagnosis:
  • Mild esophagitis seen, reflux-induced
  • Mild non-erosive gastritis found in the prepyloric region. Biopsy taken.
  • Normal duodenum.

So, now, I have to wait 5 days before calling to get the results of the biopsy. Whoopee. Five days of worry until then. I do have to call the office before then for more medication and to talk to them about some complications that I won't get in to as they're a bit gross (poop talk).

But, here's a glass to being home! And being back!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Quickie Update!

OK. Here goes...

Hubby is getting better. He can walk again and he's moving around easier. He goes for a check up after dropping me at the hospital for my test. He's hoping to go back to work on Tuesday! :)

Me...I'm hanging in there. They had to put me on prednisone for the pain since I was still in quite a bit of pain on Friday. It's getting better, but am still needing the pain killer to deal.

Tomorrow is my EGD. I'm terrified. But, it's just to check on my ulcer, so all should be good.

That's it for now...gotta log off. Will write more on Tuesday!