Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I had a stalker once. Scared the shit out of me when I found out about it. I thought I was careful. But he got to me anyway. But he's in jail for a few more years...

Ow I think I have another. Confirmed by moi the other night.

It's my ex.

I was wondering why he was following me and not going home when I dropped off the kids. I pulled into the liquor store and he roared by.

So he tells me today that I need to be giving him money and not spending it at the liquor store. Funny. I got reimbursed for my ppurchase at the store. Gotta love assumptions and conclusions.

And there's been other tidbits that he or someone is watching me and Finn. He's been told when I spend the night in town. He found out when I got pulled over for having a light out.

And I know he cyber-stalks me. He will say things to me that I've only mentioned online. He'll tell me he heard it from a "friend". Funny, most everyone I talk to onlinr can't stand him, so its no one I know.

I don't appreciate being watched and having tabs kept on me. Restraining orders aren't all that difficult to obtain. Just sayin.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I am a proud mommy today.

Princess forgot her beloved blankie at her daddy's house yesterday. In over five years, she has not slept with out it.

Last night, she went into her suitcase and discovered the blankie wasn't there. She didn't even cry. And she went to bed without it. And went to sleep. Without tears for her blankie.

My little Princess is growing up.

Making Sense of Things

I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.

There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.

To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.

I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?

I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.

I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.

And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.

In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.

But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.

And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.

I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.

I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.

Friday, January 23, 2009


People are probably going to be sick of me by the end of tonight. I am absolutely gushing about Finn. I realized over the last couple of days that I am completely head over heels in like with him. I don't know that it's the other "L" word yet. Either that, or I'm in denial. Nah. I'm not in denial. No way.

Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.

Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(

He gave me the extra key to his place.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Don't Get It

I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.

Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.

Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.

Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.

Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Mobile Posting

This is so messed up...I'm sitting at the bar, posting on my blog. Its open mic night, half-price everything (drinks, food). There's even raspberry lambic on tap!

I've almost finished my long island iced tea. I had an order of garlic cheese fries (yum!). And now I'm just hanging.

This is the place I usually hang with a bunch of people on Mondays for karaoke. There's a group of locals that all hang together. We have a lot of fun! My friend convinced me to come out tonight, luring me with the fact that he would treat me to a beer. It was either come out, or hang in the quietness of home. This is kind of nice.

I wish that there were a few other friends here, but that's next to impossible. The problem of having friends scattered all over the country.

But, I raise my glass to you all!

6 Random Facts

I've been tagged to share six random facts about myself by the awesome Samaria Project (http://samariaproject.blogspot.com)

  1. Link to the person who tagged you
  2. Post the rules on your blog
  3. Write six random things about yourself
  4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them
  5. Let each person know they've been tagged

Well, here goes!

  1. I love music. Of all kinds. Everything from classical and show tunes to heavy metal. I prefer listening to the music over watching TV.
  2. I have no problem singing along with the radio in the shower, at work, in the car. When asked to go on stage and sing karaoke, I freeze. Even though I've performed on stage when younger.
  3. I have three tattoos and seven piercings. I got my belly piercing at age 30 and my nose pierced at age 33. And, there's talk of more.
  4. I quit smoking on July 14, 2008. I have not touched a cigarette since. In fact, being around a smoker makes me feel a little ill.
  5. I still have my New England accent. Being originally from New Hampshire, I thought I had shed most of it by moving to Jersey. I was wrong. Don't talk to me when I'm upset or tired (or is that ty-ed?).
  6. I am right handed, but I am able to write with both hands. Legibly.

Whew! That's not easy!

The next suckers, I mean people, will be:


*runs off to tell the unsuspecting suckers*

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Made it through the night. I took a couple sleeping pills so I was able to get a really good night sleep (note to self: get more sleeping pills).

I have so many issues to work through. The biggest one being that I need to let go of a relationship in order to keep it. I tend to cling very tightly to someone. Of course, I chalk this up to the fact that Xman had a way of making me feel as though I couldn't do anything without him. Now I'm seeing this wonderful man who makes me do things for myself. I never thought I'd have a hard time with this. I guess its because I actually have to think for myself.

For so long, I did whatever he wanted. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't all the time. There were occasions where we did what I wanted. But mostly, it was his ideas because he didn't think he enjoyed the things I did.

But now, with Finn, he's not really that into what I like, but he's willing to join me. He asks what I want to do. He makes me think. We have conversations. About everything. Movies, books, life. It's amazing. I didn't realize that I could have this with a partner. It happens with friends, but I don't think that I've ever had this with a partner.

Even though I have no idea where my relationship with Finn is going, I am enjoying what we have right now. I just hope that my craziness won't push him away.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


...it stopped snowing again.

...the roads are fine.

...I miss my babies.

...I really want some company.

...I should just take some sleeping pills and go to bed.


I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Completely Random Thought

I just remembered something that makes me realize what a great guy Finn is....

I remember trying to put a bracelet on. I was having trouble with the clasp. Without a word, he took the bracelet from me, wrapped it around my wrist and closed the clasp for me. And then kissed me. Without me asking for his help.

So, he knows how to say he's sorry and he helps put jewelry on and he's not skeevish about womanly issues.


Tuesday, January 6, 2009


When do you start shedding the ghosts of your past?

I am so accustomed to being a certain way to make people happy that I'm afraid to be anything else. I feel I should just clasp my hands together and bow. No spoken word, just do as I'm told. As its been for many years. I don't remember what its like not to have that.

When does this stop?

I want to bad to tell someone to fuck off or shut the hell up. I'm too afraid to say this, though. Why? What's the worst that happens? Someone gets mad at me? Well, there's something new. Why am I afraid of someone being angry at me?

I've grown so much over the past year. This is the one obstacle that I can't seem to overcome. And now it threatens what makes me happy. It threatens my present and future relationships. How can one relationship make a person feel this way? I don't understand.

I need these ghosts to go away and leave me be.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

We Hold On

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the faith
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
Cause there's a chance that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
Way to get me through the day

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

Rush, "We Hold On", Snakes and Arrows, 2007

On Becoming a Caregiver

I've been caring for my children for five years. But that's expected of a mom. I tended to Xman for 16 years. But, I wouldn't consider that being a "caregiver". No, what I am referring to is how one person takes care of an ill person.

Usually, I am the one having to be taken care of. Now, I don't normally allow someone else to take care of me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my illness. I just need that proverbial kick in the ass to keep myself well and in remission (which, knock wood, has been for a while now). I now have someone in my life who needs that kick at times.

Finn is diabetic. He is insulin dependent. If his sugars get low, he can go into seizures. Well, he had one of those the other morning. And it scared me. It scared me that all I could do was sit there and wait it out (I have since researched stuff I can do to help). I didn't panic. I stayed calm. But I hated that helpless feeling.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. I now understand what people feel when I'm sick. When there's nothing they can do to help the pain. How they have to sit back and watch as I cry because there's nothing left to do but cry. How they wish they could fix what was wrong.

I wish I could fix Finn's illness. I wish he didn't have to stick himself everyday, check his sugars every couple of hours, give himself shots. In my world, no one would be sick. I read updates to a friend's wife's illness. I see what he goes through. We give each other insight as to what the caregiver and ill one goes through. But, it's nothing like actually going through it.

And I wish that none of us had to go through this.

Happy New Year!

Missed the ball dropping last night, but I did get to ring in the new year with a great guy. And, of course, texting and emailing friends from all over the world was awesome. I even got to drunk text my brother!

But seriously. I hope this year brings good cheer to all that I know. We deserve to have better. And this is our year for that.