Freedom

My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.

Court

Well, I had my first court date in regards to my divorce yesterday. It was supposed to be a default hearing and I guess I wasn't supposed to show up. Oops. My bad. Teehee.

Anyhoo.

The afternoon session was scheduled for 1:30. We didn't go before the judge until after 5. And she only called us because we were there and had waited all afternoon. We went through the court papers to see what I agreed with and what I didn't agree with. And I cleared up a few things, most especially the fact that I don't make the same amount of money that I did when the calculated the child support.

I thought that was funny. I wish I could've taken a picture of his and his attorney's face when I explained my work situation and salary. And explained that the amount they used to calculate was after 4 years of service. Since I had a new job in the same industry, new jobs don't start where you ended. Um duh. And I didn't go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if we could start a new job at a new company for the same amount we made before? Makes perfect sense and that happens all the time.

What are you, stupid? Can one answer this simple question? ARGH!!!!!

But, I guess it began when I overheard his father tell him that my being there could pose a problem. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your day. But, since September, I've grown a set and I'm putting them to good use. I refuse to allow him to steamroll over me.

So, since once we got through all the points, it was nearing six o'clock, the judge dismissed us to come back on the 20th. Another day off, but it will be worth it. By then, I can have an attorney.

And fight back even harder.

I Don't Get It

I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.

Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.

Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.

Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.

Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.

Understanding

I used to have a lot of anger toward my mom. Not any more.

When I was 15, we moved from my hometown in New Hampshire. I was really upset about that. I had a wonderful group of friends, I was just about to enter high school as a sophomore. We were going to rule the school, our little group. But, Daddy got laid off. The only job he could find clear across the country in Tacoma, Washington. He had found out and left in January of 1990, but Mom and I stayed behind so I could finish my freshman year with my friends.

A few months after we got out to Tacoma in August of that year, Mom went back to New Hampshire to sign papers on the house. While there, she met one of her friends for drinks. Well, it turned out that this friend was male and that they were in love with each other. When she returned home, she made the announcement that she would be divorcing Daddy and she and I were moving back East.

Um. What?

So, that started the anger. In January of 1991 (three days before I was to get my license at 16), we packed up and moved to New Jersey. I was really angry now. I started my new school and never quite fit in. Everyone had their own cliques and I was excluded. This continued until I decided in my senior year to drop out. I was bored anyway. I was understanding the curriculum before the rest of my class; I felt I could be at least earning money for my time. So, during Spring Break, I went and took my GED tests. By the time my class graduated, I had my own apartment and a full-time job as a bookkeeper.

Fast forward to now.

She and I had talked about what she felt when she decided to divorce Daddy. I didn't understand at the time how she could've done that to him. How she could've been so selfish to think of her needs and desires. She told me about how Daddy didn't enjoy the same things she did. She liked going out, to the theatre, movies, anywhere. He didn't.

Guess what? I understand all that now. I'm exactly where she was all those years ago. It's very odd. I know what decision she made.

I wonder what decision I'm going to make.