I Don't Get It

I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.

Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.

Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.

Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.

Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.

Whatthefuckever

I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

Whatthefuckever.

Merry Everything

That should cover it. Solstice, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, etc....

So, I had a nice, quiet Christmas day with Finn. I had made dinner last night, we had leftovers this morning and then he made breakfast for dinner tonight. I then came home to see my mom and her boyfriend for the holiday and to make the kids' gifts. Now, I'm just waiting to rinse my hair (I got some highlighting dye and this is the first chance I've gotten to do it). So, I'm chowing down on cookies that were sent by a realllllly good friend. And they're absolutely yummy!

Gifts made for this year: Finn's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3134036398/, Princess' http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137733728/ and Little Man's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137734070/.

I am a bit upset at Xman this evening. What was a fine day otherwise, he had to ruin it with his snark. I had worked the overnight shift from Tuesday into Wednesday morning. Came home, got only about three hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was exhausted last night and slept all Christmas morning (which is probably some of the reason I'm awake now). I got a text saying that I must be too busy to wish the kids Merry Christmas. So, for the following hours, I tried to get a hold of him to no avail. I couldn't understand why he would give me shit and then torture me by ignoring me all day. This makes me nervous for tonight as they don't have day care today. He has yet to answer my two requests to where I am to pick them up.

Poor Finn got the pissy text from me. I was so ready to throw something or hit something. Instead, I text (I'm afraid to hit anything as I believe I fractured something in my hand last time I did just that). A few minutes after doing so, I felt bad and apologized. He told me that I can vent to him anytime. That meant so much to me.

Please tell me to stop eating cookies.

Anyway.

Time to rinse out my hair and go to bed. My brain is about mush. It's been an emotional day. This weekend should prove to lift my spirits at least.