Friday, October 11, 2013

New Life

Things that changed my life: My children have been taken away from me, Ex bf/roommate moved out, I'm diagnosed bipolar, still dealing with Crohn's from time to time. I've been broken. I've been fixed. Several times over. And, yet, I still meander along this thing called life. It has brought me down to depths so low I never knew existed. It has also brought me so high I swear I could touch the stars. And then comes love.

To love another is to see the face of God, they say. Can't say that I believe in God, but I've seen something. This love scares me. I've built such a wall over the last few years that I'm having a hard time allowing it to fall. Each day I love, a chip of it falls away. I love him as I've loved no other, as if I've loved him all my life and had to wait for the right time to be with him. Now is that time. We waited a long time for this.

I traveled several miles and left my life behind. I left with no regrets. As I traveled I knew each mile was bringing me closer to him. I could start to feel him again, although, I don't think I ever stopped feeling him. I would check his Facebook from time to time to make sure he was OK. I still worried about him and thought about him and dreamed about him even though I was with another.

I've been having issues with the bipolar lately. We've been arguing because I'm rapid cycling and even the littlest things set me off. You know what he said? He said it's OK. Those two words mean the world to me. It's OK. I told him he didn't sign up for this and he replied that he thought he had. A love so pure, so real, so deep. And it's OK that I'm sick. There are only two other people that have said it's OK and that's my best friend and my mom. To be so broken and still loved, there's nothing like it. It's comforting, a little overwhelming and a whole lot of wonderful.

That first date almost four years ago now. Couple of beers at the bar. Then back to his place where he made breakfast at 2 in the morning and we talked till dawn. We talked about everything and nothing and it was all so wonderfully magic. I craved seeing him again. Love at first sight? Maybe. But something began that night. Something that grew deeper and deeper.

He has always held my heart. He has always been on my mind. I thanked him for letting me back into his life and he told me that I never left. And I don't think I did. I never stopped thinking about him. I never stopped wondering about him.

I never stopped loving him.

The Only Thing ~ Stabbing Westward

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Accomplishments Today

I know that the mundane things I'm about to list are normal for some people, but not for me. I get busy doing stuff and forget to do the little things like eating. But today, I have accomplished quite a bit:

1. Made patterns for garb
2. Took a shower
3. Started finishing a Viking weave circlet
4. Brushed my teeth
5. Ate lunch
6. Made list for stuff needed at stores

Yes, the mundane. But as I said, I get busy doing stuff and forget important things that need to be done for myself. But today, I accomplished quite a bit if I do say so myself. People don't understand how I can forget to do things, but my brain goes in so many directions that if I don't write it down, I'll forget. Sometimes, I'll even make a list of things that have to be done so I can remember.

I can't wait until December when I go have my memory tested. Forgetting even the small stuff (like nourishment) is a big deal. And maybe the tests will shed some light on why my short term memory is all but gone and older memories are fading. There's a lot that I don't want to forget, but those, too, are fading. So, if I don't remember to shower one day, please don't fault me for it. It's just that it somehow slipped through the ever widening cracks in my brain. Also, if I don't remember your name, it's the same reason. I'll know your face, but won't know your name. Which lately, that's a problem because I'm meeting so many new people.

I'll get through this. It's just a bump in the road. And maybe the brain doctor will have suggestions on how to remember things better. Maybe she'll help me re-wire the memory lobes in my brain.