Look! Glitter!

That's how I feel tonight...don't show me anything shiny because I'll lose focus on what I'm doing.

I've been working on a new halter for my shop for about three hours now. It should be done by now. However, within those three hours, I've watched the end of one Pirates of the Caribbean, watched the whole of another, am watching National Treasure now, sewing some of the halter, fixed a pair of pants for Finn, played some online games, surfed Facebook, ate, munched on watermelon, rested my poor broken toe, pet the cat, ate again.

And I can't stay focused.

And I still have much to do before going to bed. Like cleaning my room and washing dishes. Oh, and a load of laundry. But before the laundry, I have to finish the halter. During laundry, I'll clean.

If I can stay focused.

I need to get off the damn computer.

Do I see glitter?

Another Reason....

To curse out my ex for giving me so much crap the other day.

I was moving furniture in my room to make room for a dresser that I just got at Goodwill (a great bargain, I might add. Good shape, $6.97.). Not a big piece, just a small bookshelf. Its on wheels. Easy, peasy, right?

WRONG!

I ran over my toe. In the process, I bent my toenail backwards. MY WHOLE FOOT HURTS! Seriously. My toe is on fire and my foot is throbbing all the way into my calf muscle.

So, I'm silently cursing the whole world right now. Me, for having so much crap and the rest just because.

Why?

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

Reflections

As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

Awesome News

I think I had reported before about my Little Man refusing to potty train. Well, I don't know what happened, but he's trained!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Little Man is growing up.
*sniff*

Neat Find

I was perusing the Etsy forums and came across this neat link: http://myetsybook.com. It's where you can create a catalog with the items from your shop.

Here's mine: http://www.myetsybook.com/EtsyBook.html?id=6223513

I don't know...I thought it was pretty neat!

Freedom

My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.