A Year

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Strong

I'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.

For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away.

And took my heart with him.

Its a week today.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.

I miss him.

I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.

We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.

Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.

I love you.

Painted on My Heart

I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you

But its just not so
And after all this time, I still can't let go

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of your fingertips
This love so deep inside of me

I was trying everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to

I guess its just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

And I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you
And I know there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart

"Painted on My Heart", The Cult

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995

New Phase

In a couple of weeks, I am starting the next phase of my life.

I am not happy about this. But, I realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change the fact that my life will once again be turned upside down.

Luckily, I'm stronger now. But it still hurts. I don't want to say good bye to this phase as its been a wonderful phase. But I know I have to. I don't have a choice.

At least I still have a little time to enjoy this phase.

And enjoy it I will.

"Against All Odds"

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins, "Against All Odds", 1984

Stupid

I.hate.this.

These stupid, idiotic pain pills certainly help the pain. But now, the side effects are starting to kick in. I don't know that escaping from the pain is worth what I feel inside.

I'm over analyzing everything right now. And creating problems. Again.

I'm taking something that is probably very innocent and blowing it way out of proportion.

I'm such an idiot.

I really am.