Saturday, October 15, 2016

Still Miss It

Still miss it. 
Still catch myself 
Sitting in positions used
During pre-class warm up. 
When I walk,
My feet still turn out. 
Still remember the steps,
But not always their names. 
Without shoes,
I can still stand en pointe. 
To me, theater 
Will always be theatre. 
There is nothing in the world 
That compares to being a dancer. 
With bloodied toes and aching muscles
And backstage costume changes,
A dancer will always find their way 
To the music, to the stage lights,
To the applause. 
A dancer is living and breathing artwork. 
A dancer can always 
Spot another dancer 
From the way we walk
To the way we hold ourselves. 
For me, my journey began
As I watched Gelsey Kirkland and
Mikhail Baryshnikov perform 
"The Nutcracker " on PBS
During the holiday season 
So many years ago 
When I was just a wee one 
At five years old. 
My dreams were filled with 
My becoming Gelsey Kirkland. 
When I donned my first 
Pair of ballet shoes,
They became not only a part of me,
But also an extension of myself. 
The dance began to
Coarse through my veins. 
My mother told me on several occasions 
That dancing will forever 
Be in my blood. 
She's been right all along and 
I still miss it. 

©Cyndi Mackay 2016

To My Daughter

There is no number 
For how often I think 
Of you each day. 
There are no words 
To describe the love I have for you 
Ever since I found out 
You were a teeny tiny 
Person growing within me. 
I didn't even know you 
And yet, I knew how my 
Heart grew more each day. 
Even now, as you blossom 
Into a beautiful young woman, 
My heart continues to 
Become more full everyday.

©Cyndi Mackay 2016

Friday, September 16, 2016

My Finn

My Finn.... I didn't expect this time with you. I didn't expect to be with someone who warms my heart. The simple texts, emoticons included. Your lips touch mine. Your kiss warms me from head to toe. Your hugs engulf and protect me. My heart flip-flops at the thought of you. I've never been so in love before. Thank you, Finn, for allowing me the privilege of being yours and you mine, being one together. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

To The Pain

"Prince: First things first, to the death. 

Man in Black: No. To the pain. 

Prince: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. 

Man in Black: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. 

Prince: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. 

Man in Black: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. 

Prince: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Man in Black: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. 

Prince: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it. 

Man in Black: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain means." It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. 

Prince: I think you're bluffing. 

Man in Black: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. 

[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] 

Man in Black: DROP... YOUR... SWORD! 

[Humperdinck's mouth hangs open, drops sword to floor]"**

Ah, yes, to the pain. Though I may not be losing the items the Man in Black describes, in a way I feel as though I am. 

Forty-one. Still young. Should still be full of energy and be able to do things like others. One problem:

To the Pain. 

Every day I'm in pain. The levels don't drop below an 8/10 even with pain meds. Some days it even reaches the max of 10. 

To the Pain. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live like this. I'm depressed. I feel lonely. I wish there were someone who is going through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. J does what he can and I can tell this is getting to him as well. My kids don't know because I don't want them to worry. But my mom, J's mom, J and my best friend K all know and give me as much support as they can. I don't know what I'd do without them. Especially J's hugs that completely envelope two pieces of a puzzle that match. 

To the Pain. 

I will eventually learn to accept my new way of life. I will resign myself to ask for help when I need it. I will use the button for the automatic doors. And, if necessary, I will use a motorized cart while shopping. 

To the Pain. 

**The Princess Bride 1987 movie