Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Well, not completely.
I am having an issue day. Issues with everything. The medicine only compounded that.
Right now, I'm up. I had to take two more pills. The house started to spin on its axis again. I fought with the decision for a good hour, knowing that in just a few short hours of taking the pills, I would be crashing. I decided that I needed to be steady. I don't like falling over. Plus, I'm so close to finishing Princess' costume. All I have to do is put the zipper in and sew a hook-and-eye at the neck. Then it'll just need a washing.
Now. My head is in the clouds. I don't know that I can concentrate on the zipper. Its an invisible sipper and that takes some form of brain power. I don't put those in all that often, so each one is a little challenge unmedicated. Imagine medicated.
So, I should probably finish it before the pills completely blow my brain.
Having issues with the ex. Having issues with a friend. Having issues with my health. Having issues with finances. And all of this is taking its toll on me.
I've got issues.
I just want to run away. Seriously. Or just go to sleep for a really long time. And when I wake up, this nightmare that my head and heart is going through is over.
So, now I have a fancy name for what ails my spinning head. Thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was crazy.
At least I got good meds. I think. Doc prescribed meclizine. This is pretty much prescription Dramamine. I've been on it before for migraines (I get dizzy about 24 hours before a migraine. Some people get auras, I get dizzy.), but never vertigo.
So, I get a few more days off from work. No working the slicer. Doc doesn't really want me driving either. But, I should be able to figure out what dosage works for me by tomorrow and be able to see my babies tomorrow night. I have to. The Princess needs her costume!
Today, we call the doctor.
I haven't worked since Sunday. Can't operate a slicer when you feel as though the floor is coming up from underneath you. I didn't see my kids last night (that was a combination of feeling horrible and the weather - it was snowing and slippery). This is really messing with me.
I can be fine. And then, WHAM! I'm practically falling over! Yesterday, I had to pee. So, I go in the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. All of a sudden, it felt as though the toilet was leaning over! No, it was me! I almost hit my head on the sink. Instead, I kind of flopped forward and was able to put my hand on the wall to steady myself (small bathroom). I finished what I had to finish, said "fuck this" and went back to bed.
But, even in bed, I'm not safe. Already this morning, the room has spun. And I've been laying down the whole time. Well, not the whole time, I did make coffee and feed the cat. Even doing those two menial jobs, the room spins. Hell, it's spinning right now. I'm laying in bed.
This is not cool.
Maybe if I drink, it'll get better.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I HATE BEING SICK.
I have a combination of a minor flare and a head cold. I knew the sinus thing was coming. Yesterday, while at work, I was really dizzy and my head felt fuzzy inside. The flare, I could feel too as I felt crampy and that I wanted to throw up.
So, although I just started my job, I had to call out today. I don't need to be cutting meat while trying to choke down the puke and dripping snot.
So, today, I'm having a private pity me party. I'm cursing my body for failing me, once again. Why does my body hate itself so much? I just don't understand. And then, a sinus headache and sore throat on top of the bloatedness and pain? What the hell have I done wrong?
I know. I know. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? But, why does life have to bring us to the brink and then slowly draw us back?
Bleh. I'm going back to bed.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
This one is a bit different than others I've had. Because it's made at a grocery store (the one I work at...I cut the meat and cheese and assemble these), sauerkraut can't be used because the bread would soak it up and be all gross. These are the ingredients used:
- Boar's Head corned beef
- Boar's Head Swiss cheese
- leaf lettuce
- tomato slices
- cole slaw
- 1,000 island dressing
- pretzel roll
Now, just the Boar's Head stuff alone is enough to make the taste buds water. But, add the other ingredients, and you've got a party in your mouth!
This was the first I had had of a Reuben that was made with cole slaw. And I must tell you that I was a bit apprehensive. But, one bite and that apprehension was gone! It flew right out the window! The slaw that they used yesterday morning for this sandwich had just the right amount of bite to it. I was very impressed.
I'm not saying that this is hands down, the best Reuben I've had (which it's not, by far), but it is an eatable one. I would definitely have another. And maybe another after that....
Things are picking up in my neck of the woods. I've got a job. Which, let me tell you, is frelling great for my ego. I'm working with people who think I'm 9 to 10 years younger than I really am. I want to hug them all. And, it's not because I feel old or even am all that old (almost 34), it's just that it feels good to have people think you're younger.
I haven't been running in a few days. I've been walking, though. I think I have shin splints. The muscles on the front of my calves have been very sore. So, I've been taking it easy and just power walking. My shins seem to think that doable. So, I'm up to walking eight miles a day when I can get out. It's difficult when I'm working during the day and get out at 4. When that happens, I'm usually leaving work to go get the kids. So, on those days, I'm not able to get out and walk. Yesterday, I was witness to some really beautiful fog over the river since the air temp was only about 25 degrees F. http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157608337574515/. I even set the one of the bridge as the desktop on my laptop.
I miss my babies more than ever. The weekends I don't have them are really difficult. I don't see them between Thursday and Tuesday. That's a long time. It's not easy going from being with them 24/7 to barely being with them at all. I'm working toward having my own place soon enough so that I hope I can have them with me more often. Princess doesn't say anything, but I know Little Man doesn't like when I drop him off. He wants me to stay at the house. Says its my house and I should be there. Last Sunday, when I was getting them ready to go back to the house, Little Man started crying and didn't want to go. It just about ripped my heart out.
But, other than that, things are good. I'm still not smoking. In fact, I saw one of my friends the other night. She had two cigarettes while standing in front of me. Didn't even have the slightest bit of craving for one. OK. That's a lie. I did have a fleeting thought of stealing one from her. But, I swear it was only for a second. And then it was gone. I suppose that will always happen. I've been told that the craving never fully goes away. But, I can live with that kind of craving where it only happens for a fleeting moment.
So, I see that the hour grows late. I've been up for a while, just messing around on the computer. Which seems to be my every day. And I wonder why I don't accomplish anything. Today, I'm headed to Goodwill and the beer store. Tomorrow will be shopping for supplies and sewing. I have to finish Princess' costume and hoodies.
Busy. Busy. Busy.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
And, I must say, they look awesome!
Let me know what you think!
For a few days now, my belly has been feeling swollen and yukky. Can't imagine why. I don't have any stress in my life. Everything is perfect.
Then, why do I have this pain?
I'm going to try the "If-you-ignore-it-it-will-go-away" approach. I really don't have the money or time for this right now. I know, not the best approach. But, they can't do anything right now for it. It's still early in the flare. What will they do? Throw pills at me and hope that does the trick? I'm not in the mood to have to down a hundred pills.
Right now, I'm just taking some Zantac for the heartburn (that's really bad this time). One pill is cool and that's not even everyday. I'm still drinking coffee. But, the food intake is slowly decreasing. I find that on the days I run (running through the pain...probably not the best), I'm hungry and will eat. But, on the days that I don't, I won't eat.
Don't pity me. Don't feel bad. This is the nature of the beast. I knew that this was going to happen. Its about time for my treatment (have to call the nurse tomorrow). My life is upside down right now. But, also, the medicine doesn't work forever. Its a temporary fix. Of course, if the Remicade isn't working as well anymore, I have no idea what's next. There's not a whole lot of medication as strong as Remicade out there...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I'm working on a couple of hoodies since the little ones are resting. And I had an idea to make the sleeve of the hoodie a bit, um, different.
With a little snip, a little ironing and a little sewing, I think we've got something here.....
Friday, October 17, 2008
Back when I first announced that I would be quitting smoking, a few friends made pledges that at certain milestones, they would send a gift. A token to say, "We're proud of you!"
Well, I received my first token the other day for staying quit for 90 days.
And I love it!
Mr. AllegroArts sent me a beautiful, sterling silver, origami kitty. It's so neat and different and beautiful. It combines two of my favorite things, sterling silver and kitties.
Thanky thanky thanky thanky!!!!! I can't wait to attach him to a chain and show him off!
(Oh, and to see more of Mr. Allegro's creations, see him at http://www.allegroarts.etsy.com. So many more sterling silver origami and gorgeous jewelry. Check him out!)
And....I had applied with the Navy to be a civilian administrative assistant and they called me today! Of course, I wasn't home, but I got a call! So, Monday, I will be contacting the officer that called me back so I can hopefully set up an interview!
Despite a set back yesterday, in the grand scheme of things, this has been a wonderful week!
And...I pushed myself this morning on my run/walk (could that be shortened to a rulk? lol!). Instead of three or four miles, I mapped out the course I did using Google Earth and discovered I did not three, not four, not even five, but six miles! It's so easy to lose yourself and not realize how far you've gone when listening to music and taking in such beautiful scenery by the river.
To be able to run along side this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2950600658/in/set-72157607884420009/ is just simply breath taking.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I never thought that back in July, I'd be where I am now. I haven't had a smoke since the night of July 13. I'm running and walking. I'm doing tummy crunches. I'm going through a divorce. I have my shop again. And, yet, through it all, I haven't had a cigarette.
Honestly, I am amazed at myself.
And now people are calling me an inspiration.
I'm not an inspiration. I'm just doing what I have to do to make my short time on this planet a little longer and more enjoyable. It's scary enough to realize that your life may be cut short due to an illness (and the medication used to treat it), but then to realize that you can't even simply run around the yard and play with your own children is devastating.
I mean, three-quarters of the time, I'm so tired that it's a large effort to play with the kids. How fair is it to them that the 25% of the time that I feel good, I got out of breath so quickly that it wasn't worth it to play? What kind of mom was I?
Now that I'm feeling better, I take my kids to the park often. They find little friends to play with and I end up running around with a bunch of kids while the parents look on, sitting on the bench. It feels good to be the mom who gets muddy and dirty with the kids.
Oh, and as far as running? If I hadn't quit smoking, I would never see scenery like this:
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Instead, I am nursing an icky sore throat. And a stuffy nose. And aches (well, the aches could be from running yesterday).
Needless to say, I did not run this morning and this upsets me. I was really looking forward to running along the Delaware. Well, I guess on the positive spin, it's not like the river is going anywhere any time soon. Unless the world ends tonight. But, that's not supposed to happen for another four years, so I think I'm safe.
But, I've got good TV. Flipping through the channels, I stopped on ESPN. They were showing the dog pile at Fenway when the Sox made the winning run last night. That's a nice sight. And then, I land on Speed channel. Because Barrett Jackson is on. They're running highlights from Saturday's auction. First highlight?
1967 Ford Shelby Cobra Mustang. Blue with white stripes. 427 big block with a four speed. Signed by Carroll Shelby. Simply amazing. Selling price? $600,000!
Hmmm...reading the last couple of paragraphs makes me feel like such a guy! I'm so ecstatic about the Sox winning and now I'm drooling over classic cars.
I think I will put my coffee aside, crack a beer, scratch myself and watch sports and car shows.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I just watched the final game of the American League Division Series.
BOSTON RED SOX WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They start the Championship series Friday night against Tampa Bay Rays.
*takes bite of apple pie*
Let's take it to the World Series, boys from Boston!
I went running for the first time today. Left the house at 7:40 am or so and didn't get back until 8:20 am.
The sun was just starting to come up. The geese were flying overhead. People were starting their days. And I was running and walking.
It was so beautiful. So quiet.
I think tomorrow or Wednesday, I'm going down to the Delaware and run on the tow path between the river and the canal. If you want beauty, that's beauty.
Oh! I can't wait!
I sit here ~ blogging, posting ~ watching my Boston Red Sox in extra innings of the Division playoffs. It's game 3. If they win tonight, they sweep the Angels and the Division playoffs are over and they move on to the Championship playoffs. If they lose, game 4 will be tomorrow.
I have been lucky this year to be able to watch all three games so far. Prior seasons, I wasn't able to because my husband never really enjoyed baseball. So, I am taking advantage of this first season alone by watching all the baseball I can. I even bought a six-pack of beer special for the playoffs this weekend!
I was so desperate to watch baseball, that I watched the National League play too! I couldn't believe it! I have always watched American League! What the heck is up with me watching NL? I must be baseball deprived!
But now I will go back to keeping my eyes open for this game. Looks as though we're going to the 12th inning...
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I said sure! But, I had no idea what to write. I don't really drink beer. I know how beer is made. I know how beer tastes, but to review it?
He told me to write about what I thought about it. Color, aroma, taste, etc. OK. Color? Brown. Aroma? Sweet, not beer-like. Taste? Sweet, not beer-like.
Well, I typed up my review and sent it to him. He said it was a great review, that he'd like to try the beer. I couldn't believe it! I just wrote a little diddy about beer. Granted, it is good beer, but still.
I don't know...read for yourself here: http://allegroarts.blogspot.com/
Oh, and he reviews all sorts of beer. Read through and find a new favorite!
Friday, October 3, 2008
I felt very peaceful as I relaxed on a bench while my babies played with the other little ones who were visiting the park this evening. I watched as they ran around, chasing each other, sliding down the slides, running across the zip line. They had not a care in the world. So innocent, they are.
Kids are wonderful in the sense that they don't care what others look like. They don't care if you have purple polka-dots, they still want to be your friend. I have lucked out with two beautiful children that are so full of love and life. They care so much about each other and about other children. They get along with everyone they meet.
Maybe, if the world could sit and watch children play for a little while, we wouldn't have the mess we do...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I have my resume typed up. I had to redo it because my other one from five years ago has disappeared. It must've gotten up and ran away, knowing that I'd need it once again someday. How rude of it to be that inconsiderate! The nerve!
I called someone regarding an Office Manager position. I need to email this lame resume to him this afternoon. It would be working for a truck parts and repair company. Guess it doesn't hurt to apply. They'll probably laugh in my face when I tell them how much I need to start in order to survive.
I'm also applying for jobs on Monster.com and Manpower (temp agency). Once I get a couple of opinions on my resume, I'll upload to those sights and really start looking in earnest. I hate this.
I have found a nice apartment/town home about 20 minutes from the house. A three bedroom with some items included. There's three levels, including an unfinished basement! Maybe what I can do is either put a partition in the largest bedroom for the kids or put a craft/play room in the basement. I haven't called on it yet, as I would need to come up with two months security for it. Since I don't have that, nor employment to fund it, I'm not worrying a whole lot about that right now.
I'm trying to keep my chin up. It isn't always easy, but I'm doing OK. Staying busy. I've been slowly listing the halters that didn't sell at the show over the weekend. I need to remember to grab my pattern for hoodies from the house to start making things for the colder months. I also need to purchase material for the kids' Halloween costumes. Which, I will be going trick or treating with them. Mr. X and I will just have to get along for a night.