Mistake?

I think about relationships past. How I seem to need someone in my life. Why can't I just be by myself?

Has he done this to me? Left me alone for so long that I can't be alone any more? I'm told that I'm stronger than that. That I should be able to just be by myself. I don't like being alone though. I enjoy closeness and companionship. I didn't have it for so long that I crave it now.

Is there something wrong with that?

Yes, Finn has been gone for just a couple of months now. And, yes, I still miss him everyday. But don't I deserve someone to be happy with? The person I've been seeing has been making me happy. Perhaps he's filling a void, but I think that without having someone to share things with, there's always a void to be filled. Wouldn't friends be considered filling a void, or hobbies?

Perhaps this is just a rebound. Who knows? But if that's the case, my whole life has been full of rebounds. The ex, Finn, the guys I've dated in high school....

I just wish there could be a happy medium somewhere.

Beautiful Day

Mid-November and its 70 degrees outside. Un-friggin-believable!

My babies are here this weekend. We're outside, enjoying the weather. Princess is playing chalk and Little Man is playing with his Play-Doh. Actually, they're also hunting for acorns.

Yesterday was rainy and chilly. We watched movies all day. They took turns picking which movie to watch and then I picked what to watch at bedtime last night. Dinner, bath, ice cream and a movie. What a perfect night. =)

I've dug out a comfy chair. Set it up in the driveway as the kids play. Its days like this I wish would last forever.....

Never Imagined...

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

A Year

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Strong

I'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.

For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away.

And took my heart with him.

Its a week today.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.

I miss him.

I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.

We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.

Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.

I love you.

Painted on My Heart

I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you

But its just not so
And after all this time, I still can't let go

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of your fingertips
This love so deep inside of me

I was trying everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to

I guess its just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

And I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you
And I know there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart

"Painted on My Heart", The Cult

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995

New Phase

In a couple of weeks, I am starting the next phase of my life.

I am not happy about this. But, I realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change the fact that my life will once again be turned upside down.

Luckily, I'm stronger now. But it still hurts. I don't want to say good bye to this phase as its been a wonderful phase. But I know I have to. I don't have a choice.

At least I still have a little time to enjoy this phase.

And enjoy it I will.

"Against All Odds"

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins, "Against All Odds", 1984

Stupid

I.hate.this.

These stupid, idiotic pain pills certainly help the pain. But now, the side effects are starting to kick in. I don't know that escaping from the pain is worth what I feel inside.

I'm over analyzing everything right now. And creating problems. Again.

I'm taking something that is probably very innocent and blowing it way out of proportion.

I'm such an idiot.

I really am.

Stupid Knee

I have had problems with my knees since I was 12 years old. I have a condition called Chondromalacia ( http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/patelladisorders/a/chondromalacia.htm ). It hasn't bothered me in about 15 years, save for weather changes (yes, I can predict the weather with my knees). But ever since this past Monday night, its been a whole different story.

I can barely walk. My right knee is swollen and really painful. I bought a brace at CVS on Tuesday morning and without it, I don't think I'd be walking at all. Yesterday, Finn and I went to see "Transformers" (which was AWESOME) and I couldn't get comfortable in the seat ~ my knee kept cramping up. I'm even thinking of going over to Goodwill today to see if they have a cane or crutches for sale; something to help keep the weight off my leg and maybe help it heal.

Went to the doc yesterday. She says I need an MRI. Well, I told her I probably need an MRI or X-rays and she agreed. She verified that the knee is swollen in comparison to my left one. She also prescribed some ibuprofen (which works much better than trying to take four OTC ibuprofen) and some Ultram for the night. The Ultram works wonderfully! And the ibuprofen keeps most of the edge off during the day. We're trying to manage the swelling and pain until I get my benefits in a couple of weeks so I can get that MRI.

The only thing I'm afraid of is this is the beginning of my journey to a new knee. I've always known that that's a possibility. The chondromalacia has continually worn away the cartilage in my knees. I'm afraid that the right one has given up its fight. I'm sure that having the Crohn's, which is an auto-immune disorder, hasn't helped the cause either. There are things that are going on in my body that are related to the Crohn's. In all honesty, I've had a feeling that things were getting worse, that my body wasn't feeling the same for a few months now. I just haven't had the money to get blood work and such done to confirm.

I will keep you updated as the days/weeks go by. But I wouldn't be surprised if I post from my hospital bed after replacement surgery.

Bleh

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

Look! Glitter!

That's how I feel tonight...don't show me anything shiny because I'll lose focus on what I'm doing.

I've been working on a new halter for my shop for about three hours now. It should be done by now. However, within those three hours, I've watched the end of one Pirates of the Caribbean, watched the whole of another, am watching National Treasure now, sewing some of the halter, fixed a pair of pants for Finn, played some online games, surfed Facebook, ate, munched on watermelon, rested my poor broken toe, pet the cat, ate again.

And I can't stay focused.

And I still have much to do before going to bed. Like cleaning my room and washing dishes. Oh, and a load of laundry. But before the laundry, I have to finish the halter. During laundry, I'll clean.

If I can stay focused.

I need to get off the damn computer.

Do I see glitter?

Another Reason....

To curse out my ex for giving me so much crap the other day.

I was moving furniture in my room to make room for a dresser that I just got at Goodwill (a great bargain, I might add. Good shape, $6.97.). Not a big piece, just a small bookshelf. Its on wheels. Easy, peasy, right?

WRONG!

I ran over my toe. In the process, I bent my toenail backwards. MY WHOLE FOOT HURTS! Seriously. My toe is on fire and my foot is throbbing all the way into my calf muscle.

So, I'm silently cursing the whole world right now. Me, for having so much crap and the rest just because.

Why?

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

Reflections

As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

Awesome News

I think I had reported before about my Little Man refusing to potty train. Well, I don't know what happened, but he's trained!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Little Man is growing up.
*sniff*

Neat Find

I was perusing the Etsy forums and came across this neat link: http://myetsybook.com. It's where you can create a catalog with the items from your shop.

Here's mine: http://www.myetsybook.com/EtsyBook.html?id=6223513

I don't know...I thought it was pretty neat!

Freedom

My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.

When It Rains...

So, I was out of work for a week. This means I don't get paid for a whole week. Ouch.

Today, I have to see a lung specialist for my check up of my pneumonia. That's $50 that I don't have as I have to stretch last week's paycheck through till next Friday.

The other day, I realized that the tire I have a hole in isn't holding air the way it needs to. In other words, I'm stopping at the gas station every couple of days to put air in it. Well, because I have four-wheel-drive, I can't just replace one tire - I have to replace two in order to save my transfer case from blowing up.

I already owe my mother for my meds from last week that cost $150 WITH insurance. Now, she said that she would loan me the money to fix my tires. I'm going to owe this woman for the rest of my life!

Haven't gotten the quote for replacing the tires yet. And, of course, I can't have cheap tires on the car, I have to have a name brand. And, unfortunately, I really like this brand because they hold up well. Well, except to things poking them and gouging them. But, I would like to go home to New Hampshire sometime soon and I was told that my car stays home unless I get the tires fixed. So, I guess I have no choice.

I really need a full time job.

Promoting

I don't usually like to use my diary as a promoting tool, but I just can't help myself as I'm really excited to have actually listed some of my chain maille!

Beachcomber Dragon Scale Bracelet

Love Link in Pink

Sparkles Captured

So, there you go. Three new pieces in a new section. I've thrown my hat into the jewelry ring. Its a risk, but what the hell, you can't go through life not risking anything! :)

Levaquin

This is the antibiotic that I was put on for the double pneumonia. No wonder I feel the way I do. One of the side effects is depression. So, pile the side effects on top of being a virtual shut in, and you get one very messed up person.

Less serious Levaquin side effects may include:
*nausea, diarrhea, constipation;
*feeling restless, anxious, or depressed;
*headache, dizziness;
*muscle pain;
*sleep problems (insomnia or nightmares);
*vaginal itching or discharge; or
*mild skin itching.

So, I've got the restlessness and depression. I've got the headache (although that could be from coughing and blowing my nose). I've got the sleep problems (have had to take some sleeping pills the last few nights).

Great. And I'm only halfway through my script.

Stupid Pneumonia

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

Someone Smack Me

The depression of being sick all week is setting in. I'm tired of the computer. I'm tired of the TV. A short excursion completely wears me out. How the hell am I going to work on Monday?

I am so sick of being sick. Seriously. Either kill me or move on already.

Alive....

.....barely.

I feel half-dead. I'm getting better. I can tell. But my energy level, on a scale of 1 to 10, is negative 100. Just thinking about pulling on a bra and t-shirt to go pick up my paycheck wears me out. My right lung hurts. The center of my chest hurts when I cough. Getting run over by a mac truck has nothing on the way I feel right now. Have you seen Final Destination? The one where the girl gets obliterated by the bus? That's probably closer to how I feel.

I'm sorry for the pity party here. I'm just venting. Bored. Tired. Icky. And I needed to get that out.

Neurotic

Just as an FYI:

fever + period + morphine + illness = heightened neurosis

These things do not mix well. Disregard half the last post. That was my crazy ramblings. Yeah, I said it. I was crazy rambling. OCD sucks.

Been A While

So, I'm still alive. I think. I went to the ER yesterday because I was coughing up a little blood. The docs are erring on the side of caution and although they sent me home, they're treating me for tuberculosis. I know, TB? In today's day and age? Well, the meds that I was put on for the Crohn's has lowered my immune system enough to make me susceptible to the infection. I think I only have pneumonia, but I'd rather they take the precautions necessary. So I'm home. Not allowed to go anywhere. Except stir crazy. I've played all my crack games on Facebook. Faxed the courthouse regarding my divorce, texted friends. Frittered the day away online. I'm too bored to sleep even. I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill later.

While I was in the ER, they gave me a dose of morphine. This was good...it immediately took away the pain in my joints from my fever. Bad thing? Remember my last post about wanting to say something that I haven't been able to? Yeah. Well. I said it. Or rather, I text it.

So, I think that in my morphine-induced coma, I screwed up a really good relationship. I'm being completely neurotic about it. Have been all day. I keep wondering if I screwed up. I really want to talk to him, but I can't have contact with him. And he's not really a phone person. This bites in so many ways. I suppose I should take it as a sign that he's still texting me, right? That maybe I didn't screw up that horribly? I don't know....

Being sick. Screwing up relationships. Sounds like my MO.

Just Say It All Ready!

I wish I could. I don't understand why I can't. I know I want to. But something is holding me back. Could it be fear? Maybe that's all...I'm afraid of the fallout from saying something and appearing too needy? I don't think that's the word I'm looking for.

Even though I believe that what I want to say would be reciprocated, I'm still scared. I don't understand why, though. I'm trying to live life as it comes with little fear, but still.

ARGH!!!!!!!

I just wish that the next time I was asked "what?", I could answer truthfully, knowing that my answer would be reciprocated. Instead of just saying "nothing".

First Weekend of Spring

I get to spend the first weekend of the season of renewal with my children. What better way to celebrate the new season than with the fresh faces of my babies.

Last night, I picked them up from daycare and we went to McDonald's where we ate and they played for a while. We went shopping after to pick up a few things and get the Little Man a little something for his birthday. Princess picked out her bathing suit for the summer (which looks adorable). Today, we picked up some milk and mac n cheese at the store and then went bowling. Dinner was hot dogs with mac n cheese. Gotta love children.

Tomorrow should prove to be fun. It's supposed to be near 60 and sunny tomorrow so I figured we'd go to the park. They don't know yet, though...it's my little surprise for them. I can't wait to see their little faces when I tell them we're going. Maybe I'll even make fluffernutters and we'll picnic at the park. There's plenty of tables and such or I even have a blanket in the car.

Of course, to make this weekend over-the-top perfect (not that it's not perfect already)? Just need one more person...

*sigh*

I Am Such a Dork ♥

All it says under status is: "In a Relationship".

That's it.

And yet, this thrills me.

I am such a dork.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

A Meeting and Such

I have a meeting this morning at Princess' school. Apparantly, she's having a little difficulty with her letters and sight words so we're meeting with her teacher and helpers to see what can be done to help her. She's a very smart little girl, but her mind just may not be mature enough for this. There is nothing else that she is having a problem with, so we'll see what happens. If she doesn't improve by June, there is talk of keeping her back. But, I'd like to try everything possible first. She's my girl after all. She'll get through this. And, if she needs to stay back, so be it, but I'd like her to give it a good fight, though. :)

In other news, of which there isn't much. Worried about a couple of friends that are dealing with a lot of shit right now. One needs a lot of support as she goes through a bump in life. OK, a pothole in life, but hey. Luckily, I've been where she is right now, so I can give her experienced advice. Now if she'd just listen to me...My other friend is dealing with health issues with his wife. She's very ill, chronically so. And, while I worry about her, I worry more for him. He's so busy taking care of her, that he forgets about himself. She's got pain medicine to take away her aches, but he has nothing. And while I can give him support, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things OK. I wish I were able to gather them both up in a big hug and just hold them.

Finn and I are doing well. I really enjoy spending time with him. And just being with him makes me happier than I've been in a while. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of my feelings and I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same. I know he cares quite a bit, but I'm not sure just how much. I wish I could just tell him...

I Have a Video!

NursesNaturally ( http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=82203 ) had run a thread regarding the paranormal back around Halloween. I had posted in the thread saying that I do believe in the paranormal because I had seen my grandfather after he had passed. She asked if one day, she could use my story on her blog. I agreed.

Well, today, she featured my shop with a video! How seriously awesome is that????

See it here: http://uniquenurses.blogspot.com/

I think this is totally awesome!!!!!

Just A Couple of Misfits

This was how a fellow co-worker described Finn and I. That this is the reason why we get along so well and click.

We're misfits.

I suppose we are. I know I've had a hard time fitting in during my lifetime. Places where I thought I belonged and I really didn't. People who I thought were my friends that really weren't. Things I wanted to be and really didn't.

I have come to realize that I'm an artist. Artists seem to be misfits. We dance to the beat of our own drummer. This past weekend, Finn kept introducing me as a seamstress. I suppose that is what I am. I also keep expanding my chain maille abilities - pushing myself to learn different weaves.

I am comfortable being a misfit.

Busy Days

So, Finn got back last night. Yay! heehee

I went over for dinner and a movie. I made dinner, he provided the movie. Dinner? Mexican rice and fresh kielbasa. Movie? Boondock Saints. Which was awesome, by the way.

I missed him. More than I thought I would.

So, tonight, I finish sewing my new cloak. Don't worry, pictures will be forthcoming on Flickr. And, I have to hem my skirt a little bit...don't want it dragging in the mud.

Lots of work!

Just a question: why does my heart skip a beat when I catch him looking over at me?

Bed'll Be Cold

So, Finn left on his trip. He won't be back until sometime Tuesday. And then Friday, we leave on our trip.

I had told him I was going to miss him just a smidge.

He told me his bed will be cold.

Guess that's as good as saying "I'll miss you, too."

And it feels kinda good that I'll be missed.

Are There Any Happy Marriages?

I hardly like to refer to an Etsy Etc. forum thread. But this one really stuck to me.

http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=6048064

Are there really any happy marriages?

I thought I had one. I sacrificed everything for him. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that should mean more than anything. Myself.

I endured major depression. I endured continual stress to be what I thought he wanted. I stifled my creativity. I stifled me. I tried to be his perfect little girlfriend/wife. Did I have to do this? Probably not. But, he made clear his dissatifaction of things I liked or did. So I stopped doing them.

I realize now that this is not healthy. I should never have given up me for him. I realize now that I am so much more. The friends I have kept and made like me for being the silly and creative person that I am. They like being around me. What a great ego boost to know that I don't have to change to have people like me. The relationship I'm in now makes me so very happy. While we don't always see eye-to-eye and we don't have everything in common, we get along because we're able to be ourselves.

Some sacrifice is necessary. Sacrificing all isn't.

Sacrifice

Not human or animal. Jeez.

I'm talking about sacrifice of the soul.

I think so often about the crap I'm going through right now. Emerging from my cuccoon. I can feel the shreds of my former self falling away. I can feel the old me coming through.

Lately, though, it's been really difficult. I've been stumbling. In a way, I think this is because of the new feelings in my heart.

I didn't expect Finn to drop into my life. I know, everything happens for a reason. He's meant to be here with me. I get that. What I don't get is why now? Why fall in love? Is he here to help me on my journey? Maybe that's it. Because he has helped me. He helps me all the time. By caring. By listening. By being there. And, of course, making me laugh and feel special is just icing on the cake. And the least I can do is return all that he gives to me by giving him the same from me. He tells me I'm too good to him. In all fairness, he's way too good to me. :)

But, in all seriousness...I don't ask myself anymore if I'm worth it. I know I am. I'm worth making my life my own. I'm worth taking the reins and controlling it again. Yes, I still get upset by what Exman says (he gets so hurtful at times). But I'm finding that I don't get upset for the length of time that I used to. I don't shed tears over what he says anymore. I'm realizing that they're just words. He's lashing out as his control slips. I know who I am. I know what I am. Am I a bitch for that? Quite possibly. But no one seems to think so.

And, honestly, I don't care if I'm thought of as a bitch. Why are strong women considered bitches? I'm not stomping on anyone. There is no bloodbath. There are no bodies. Some fires, but those were set for fun. I'm just living day by day.

There is no telling there will be a tomorrow.

It's Going to be OK

Yeah.

I think it is.

I went out for a few hours just by myself last night. I parked down by the river, watched as the river raced past. Watched the lights of the town dance on its surface. With music playing and notebook in hand, I wrote. I wrote down what was in my head and my heart. I haven't done that in a while.

And you know what? It felt good. Awesome even.

By the time I found my way home, I was in much higher spirits. I'm still scared as hell, but I'm more comfortable with what happened and what was said. And I realized that it's OK to be scared.

Life is a roller coaster.

And I get to ride it with a new love and awesome friends. ;P

Frightened

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Cat's Out of the Bag

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

Uruz

So, I have thought more about this branding, or scarification, that I have been introduced to. I think I really want to have one done. Something different. Something to mark the new beginnings in my life.

This is the symbol I want: http://www.mystic-mouse.co.uk/Runes/Uruz.htm

The meaning is: "The strength to break through and move on. Ur is a sign of new beginnings, a time to shake off the past and to take advantage of new opportunities. Remember before each new beginning must come an ending and endings can be an emotional time but know that, ultimately, it will be to your benefit.

Live each day to its fullest, knowing that from every ending comes new life. Do whatever it takes to succeed and seize each moment so you will never come to regret missed chances.

A favourable time for high risk ventures."

Everything in my life right now is proof that I can break through and move on. I am embarking on a new beginning. I am trying to hard to seize each moment of every day. With these new beginnings come sacrifices. This is the emotional aspect.

I believe I will have this placed either above my left breast or on the upper part of my left arm since either place is close to my heart. Yes, I know it will hurt like hell. But, there is no moving on without some sort of pain. And the pain will remind me of the sacrifice. And the symbol will remind me of my new life.

Yes, this is something I want to do.

Love

How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.

I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.

When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!

He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.

I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.

When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.

I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Court

Well, I had my first court date in regards to my divorce yesterday. It was supposed to be a default hearing and I guess I wasn't supposed to show up. Oops. My bad. Teehee.

Anyhoo.

The afternoon session was scheduled for 1:30. We didn't go before the judge until after 5. And she only called us because we were there and had waited all afternoon. We went through the court papers to see what I agreed with and what I didn't agree with. And I cleared up a few things, most especially the fact that I don't make the same amount of money that I did when the calculated the child support.

I thought that was funny. I wish I could've taken a picture of his and his attorney's face when I explained my work situation and salary. And explained that the amount they used to calculate was after 4 years of service. Since I had a new job in the same industry, new jobs don't start where you ended. Um duh. And I didn't go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if we could start a new job at a new company for the same amount we made before? Makes perfect sense and that happens all the time.

What are you, stupid? Can one answer this simple question? ARGH!!!!!

But, I guess it began when I overheard his father tell him that my being there could pose a problem. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your day. But, since September, I've grown a set and I'm putting them to good use. I refuse to allow him to steamroll over me.

So, since once we got through all the points, it was nearing six o'clock, the judge dismissed us to come back on the 20th. Another day off, but it will be worth it. By then, I can have an attorney.

And fight back even harder.

My Moosie

In asking Exman how the kids are doing (sick, just like me), I found out my Mooserpup died last night. Well, he's really not a puppy, he was nine years old...

We had gotten him as a house warming gift from my in-laws when we bought our first house in 1999. He was a Brittany. Such a spaz, but a great pup. Always brought a smile to your face with his antics.

I miss my pupper. I've missed him since I was told to leave. He was always a great dog. He was very loved and will be missed.

Another Birthday

So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)

My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.

So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.

He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.

For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.

As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.

I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.

Stalker

I had a stalker once. Scared the shit out of me when I found out about it. I thought I was careful. But he got to me anyway. But he's in jail for a few more years...

Ow I think I have another. Confirmed by moi the other night.

It's my ex.

I was wondering why he was following me and not going home when I dropped off the kids. I pulled into the liquor store and he roared by.

So he tells me today that I need to be giving him money and not spending it at the liquor store. Funny. I got reimbursed for my ppurchase at the store. Gotta love assumptions and conclusions.

And there's been other tidbits that he or someone is watching me and Finn. He's been told when I spend the night in town. He found out when I got pulled over for having a light out.

And I know he cyber-stalks me. He will say things to me that I've only mentioned online. He'll tell me he heard it from a "friend". Funny, most everyone I talk to onlinr can't stand him, so its no one I know.

I don't appreciate being watched and having tabs kept on me. Restraining orders aren't all that difficult to obtain. Just sayin.

Proud

I am a proud mommy today.

Princess forgot her beloved blankie at her daddy's house yesterday. In over five years, she has not slept with out it.

Last night, she went into her suitcase and discovered the blankie wasn't there. She didn't even cry. And she went to bed without it. And went to sleep. Without tears for her blankie.

My little Princess is growing up.

Making Sense of Things

I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.

There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.

To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.

I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?

I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.

I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.

And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.

In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.

But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.

And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.

I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.

I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.

GUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are probably going to be sick of me by the end of tonight. I am absolutely gushing about Finn. I realized over the last couple of days that I am completely head over heels in like with him. I don't know that it's the other "L" word yet. Either that, or I'm in denial. Nah. I'm not in denial. No way.

Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.

Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(

He gave me the extra key to his place.

Oh.my.gawd.

I Don't Get It

I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.

Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.

Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.

Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.

Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.

Mobile Posting

This is so messed up...I'm sitting at the bar, posting on my blog. Its open mic night, half-price everything (drinks, food). There's even raspberry lambic on tap!

I've almost finished my long island iced tea. I had an order of garlic cheese fries (yum!). And now I'm just hanging.

This is the place I usually hang with a bunch of people on Mondays for karaoke. There's a group of locals that all hang together. We have a lot of fun! My friend convinced me to come out tonight, luring me with the fact that he would treat me to a beer. It was either come out, or hang in the quietness of home. This is kind of nice.

I wish that there were a few other friends here, but that's next to impossible. The problem of having friends scattered all over the country.

But, I raise my glass to you all!

6 Random Facts

I've been tagged to share six random facts about myself by the awesome Samaria Project (http://samariaproject.blogspot.com)

Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write six random things about yourself
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person know they've been tagged

Well, here goes!

1. I love music. Of all kinds. Everything from classical and show tunes to heavy metal. I prefer listening to the music over watching TV.
2. I have no problem singing along with the radio in the shower, at work, in the car. When asked to go on stage and sing karaoke, I freeze. Even though I've performed on stage when younger.
3. I have three tattoos and seven piercings. I got my belly piercing at age 30 and my nose pierced at age 33. And, there's talk of more.
4. I quit smoking on July 14, 2008. I have not touched a cigarette since. In fact, being around a smoker makes me feel a little ill.
5. I still have my New England accent. Being originally from New Hampshire, I thought I had shed most of it by moving to Jersey. I was wrong. Don't talk to me when I'm upset or tired (or is that ty-ed?).
6. I am right handed, but I am able to write with both hands. Legibly.

Whew! That's not easy!

The next suckers, I mean people, will be:

http://rosebushdesigns.blogspot.com/
http://differentbrilliantcolors.blogspot.com/
http://kealalegacycreations.blogspot.com/
http://llorracanit.blogspot.com/
http://yoboseiyo.blogspot.com/
http://debbiemonster.blogspot.com/

*runs off to tell the unsuspecting suckers*

Raw

Made it through the night. I took a couple sleeping pills so I was able to get a really good night sleep (note to self: get more sleeping pills).

I have so many issues to work through. The biggest one being that I need to let go of a relationship in order to keep it. I tend to cling very tightly to someone. Of course, I chalk this up to the fact that Xman had a way of making me feel as though I couldn't do anything without him. Now I'm seeing this wonderful man who makes me do things for myself. I never thought I'd have a hard time with this. I guess its because I actually have to think for myself.

For so long, I did whatever he wanted. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't all the time. There were occasions where we did what I wanted. But mostly, it was his ideas because he didn't think he enjoyed the things I did.

But now, with Finn, he's not really that into what I like, but he's willing to join me. He asks what I want to do. He makes me think. We have conversations. About everything. Movies, books, life. It's amazing. I didn't realize that I could have this with a partner. It happens with friends, but I don't think that I've ever had this with a partner.

Even though I have no idea where my relationship with Finn is going, I am enjoying what we have right now. I just hope that my craziness won't push him away.

And.....

...it stopped snowing again.

...the roads are fine.

...I miss my babies.

...I really want some company.

...I should just take some sleeping pills and go to bed.

Whatthefuckever

I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

Whatthefuckever.

Completely Random Thought

I just remembered something that makes me realize what a great guy Finn is....

I remember trying to put a bracelet on. I was having trouble with the clasp. Without a word, he took the bracelet from me, wrapped it around my wrist and closed the clasp for me. And then kissed me. Without me asking for his help.

So, he knows how to say he's sorry and he helps put jewelry on and he's not skeevish about womanly issues.

*sigh*

Shedding

When do you start shedding the ghosts of your past?

I am so accustomed to being a certain way to make people happy that I'm afraid to be anything else. I feel I should just clasp my hands together and bow. No spoken word, just do as I'm told. As its been for many years. I don't remember what its like not to have that.

When does this stop?

I want to bad to tell someone to fuck off or shut the hell up. I'm too afraid to say this, though. Why? What's the worst that happens? Someone gets mad at me? Well, there's something new. Why am I afraid of someone being angry at me?

I've grown so much over the past year. This is the one obstacle that I can't seem to overcome. And now it threatens what makes me happy. It threatens my present and future relationships. How can one relationship make a person feel this way? I don't understand.

I need these ghosts to go away and leave me be.

We Hold On

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the faith
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
Cause there's a chance that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
Way to get me through the day

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

Rush, "We Hold On", Snakes and Arrows, 2007

On Becoming a Caregiver

I've been caring for my children for five years. But that's expected of a mom. I tended to Xman for 16 years. But, I wouldn't consider that being a "caregiver". No, what I am referring to is how one person takes care of an ill person.

Usually, I am the one having to be taken care of. Now, I don't normally allow someone else to take care of me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my illness. I just need that proverbial kick in the ass to keep myself well and in remission (which, knock wood, has been for a while now). I now have someone in my life who needs that kick at times.

Finn is diabetic. He is insulin dependent. If his sugars get low, he can go into seizures. Well, he had one of those the other morning. And it scared me. It scared me that all I could do was sit there and wait it out (I have since researched stuff I can do to help). I didn't panic. I stayed calm. But I hated that helpless feeling.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. I now understand what people feel when I'm sick. When there's nothing they can do to help the pain. How they have to sit back and watch as I cry because there's nothing left to do but cry. How they wish they could fix what was wrong.

I wish I could fix Finn's illness. I wish he didn't have to stick himself everyday, check his sugars every couple of hours, give himself shots. In my world, no one would be sick. I read updates to a friend's wife's illness. I see what he goes through. We give each other insight as to what the caregiver and ill one goes through. But, it's nothing like actually going through it.

And I wish that none of us had to go through this.

Happy New Year!

Missed the ball dropping last night, but I did get to ring in the new year with a great guy. And, of course, texting and emailing friends from all over the world was awesome. I even got to drunk text my brother!

But seriously. I hope this year brings good cheer to all that I know. We deserve to have better. And this is our year for that.

Cheers.