Wednesday, May 27, 2009


As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

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