tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90823741842014411232023-11-16T01:35:49.310-05:00Dear Diary...Dumping my brain and random thoughts on the vast pages of the Internet.
BEWARE: Several posts per day as I feel the need to dump my brain.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.comBlogger216125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-51375973839583277422016-10-15T19:56:00.001-04:002016-10-15T19:56:56.414-04:00Still Miss ItStill miss it. <div>Still catch myself </div><div>Sitting in positions used</div><div>During pre-class warm up. </div><div>When I walk,</div><div>My feet still turn out. </div><div>Still remember the steps,</div><div>But not always their names. </div><div>Without shoes,</div><div>I can still stand en pointe. </div><div>To me, theater </div><div>Will always be theatre. </div><div>There is nothing in the world </div><div>That compares to being a dancer. </div><div>With bloodied toes and aching muscles</div><div>And backstage costume changes,</div><div>A dancer will always find their way </div><div>To the music, to the stage lights,</div><div>To the applause. </div><div>A dancer is living and breathing artwork. </div><div>A dancer can always </div><div>Spot another dancer </div><div>From the way we walk</div><div>To the way we hold ourselves. </div><div>For me, my journey began</div><div>As I watched Gelsey Kirkland and</div><div>Mikhail Baryshnikov perform </div><div>"The Nutcracker " on PBS</div><div>During the holiday season </div><div>So many years ago </div><div>When I was just a wee one </div><div>At five years old. </div><div>My dreams were filled with </div><div>My becoming Gelsey Kirkland. </div><div>When I donned my first </div><div>Pair of ballet shoes,</div><div>They became not only a part of me,</div><div>But also an extension of myself. </div><div>The dance began to</div><div>Coarse through my veins. </div><div>My mother told me on several occasions </div><div>That dancing will forever </div><div>Be in my blood. </div><div>She's been right all along and </div><div>I still miss it. </div><div><br></div><div>©Cyndi Mackay 2016</div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-58249075058379279062016-10-15T19:05:00.001-04:002016-10-15T19:05:53.911-04:00To My Daughter<div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There is no number </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For how often I think </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Of you each day. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There are no words </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">To describe the love
I have for you </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Ever since I found out </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You were a teeny tiny </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Person growing within me. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I didn't even know you </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And yet, I knew how my </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Heart grew more each day. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Even now, as you blossom </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Into a beautiful young woman, </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">My heart continues to </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Become more full everyday. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">©Cyndi Mackay 2016</span></div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-71756686247065693902016-09-16T20:52:00.001-04:002016-09-16T20:52:13.730-04:00My FinnMy Finn.... I didn't expect this time with you. I didn't expect to be with someone who warms my heart. The simple texts, emoticons included. Your lips touch mine. Your kiss warms me from head to toe. Your hugs engulf and protect me. My heart flip-flops at the thought of you. I've never been so in love before. Thank you, Finn, for allowing me the privilege of being yours and you mine, being one together. Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-65093859510199480122016-09-07T17:07:00.001-04:002016-09-07T17:15:52.794-04:00To The Pain<div>"Prince: First things first, to the death. </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: No. To the pain. </div><div><br></div><div>Prince: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. </div><div><br></div><div>Prince: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. </div><div><br></div><div>Prince: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.</div><div> </div><div>Man in Black: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. </div><div><br></div><div>Prince: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it. </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain means." It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. </div><div><br></div><div>Prince: I think you're bluffing. </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. </div><div><br></div><div>[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] </div><div><br></div><div>Man in Black: DROP... YOUR... SWORD! </div><div><br></div><div>[Humperdinck's mouth hangs open, drops sword to floor]"**</div><div><br></div><div>Ah, yes, to the pain. Though I may not be losing the items the Man in Black describes, in a way I feel as though I am. </div><div><br></div><div>Forty-one. Still young. Should still be full of energy and be able to do things like others. One problem:</div><div><br></div><div>To the Pain. </div><div><br></div><div>Every day I'm in pain. The levels don't dr<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">op below an 8/10 even with pain meds. Some days it even reaches the max of 10. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">To the Pain. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live like this. I'm depressed. I feel lonely. I wish there were someone who is going through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. J does what he can and I can tell this is getting to him as well. My kids don't know because I don't want them to worry. But my mom, J's mom, J and my best friend K all know and give me as much support as they can. I don't know what I'd do without them. Especially J's hugs that completely envelope me...like two pieces of a puzzle that match. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">To the Pain. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I will eventually learn to accept my new way of life. I will resign myself to ask for help when I need it. I will use the button for the automatic doors. And, if necessary, I will use a motorized cart while shopping. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">To the Pain. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">**<i>The Princess Bride</i> 1987 movie </span></div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-57592799669509886972015-05-21T15:25:00.001-04:002016-06-22T18:48:29.731-04:00Am I Living in a Dream?There was a time, gosh it seems like another lifetime, when I couldn't listen to songs like Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" or Stabbing Westward's "Waking Up Beside You" or even "Total Eclipse of the Heart" without my eyes filling with tears. I missed you so horribly that my heart felt torn in two. I tried to fill the void you left with another, but while I did love him in a way, he wasn't you. I don't think anyone could fill the void you left because no man would be you. I thought of you often; my dreams were full of you. When I would make love with the other, it never felt the same; we never became one like you and I did. I couldn't visit our old haunts as it tore me up inside. Memories of you were always lurking behind my eyes. I suppose you could say a large piece of me died the day we finally went our separate ways for I was never the same. <div><br></div><div>The wolf in sheep's clothing and I did have some good times, but once my health took a turn for a darker place, the wolf showed his true self. When that happened, all I could think of was that you would've never treated me like that. You would've held me tight once my episodes passed and told me that it's ok. </div><div><br></div><div>While with the wolf, I would check your Facebook. I was searching for proof that you were ok. I needed to know that you were ok in order to continue on the road I was on. When I saw you were fighting again and seemed happy to be involved with that again, my heart would fill and memories would flood my head again. It was as if knowing you were ok allowed me to be ok as well. I still felt a connection even though I couldn't bring myself to write you and tell you how much I missed you and needed you back in my life. With the mistakes I made during our last precious moments together, I thought you would never want me in your life again. During those years apart, you were never far from my thoughts on any given day. The love I still had for you scared me. I had never loved anyone with my whole existence before, well, except for my children. The void was still deep and I thought it would be there for the remainder of my days on Earth and carry over in to the after life where I knew you were the one I would wait for on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge and beyond the veil of this world and the next. </div><div><br></div><div>As they say in the movie "Avatar", I could still "see you". I could still feel you. There were times I swore I heard your voice or felt your arms around me or felt your lips on mine. </div><div><br></div><div>And then, you took the first steps to break the silence between us by using my business page on Facebook. </div><div><br></div><div>At first, I didn't know what to do. I was still technically with the wolf, but that was waning quickly. He didn't know how to deal with me, so I stopped dealing with him. He could never accept that I was so ill mentally and physically. If I were admitted to the hospital, he said he had a really hard time going. So, on visiting nights, I would go to my room and cry because I felt I had no one that cared enough. Then came the day when he broke up with me over the phone during a stay and told me that my ex went running to the court regarding the custody of my children. Had I not been in a controlled area, that would've been it. My note was already written and hidden away and I had the pills to just slip away. I was ready to join my daddy and my grandparents; I felt that I was a horrible mother, a horrible partner and just a horrible person in general. </div><div><br></div><div>Having stared Death in the eyes a few times, I was not afraid of dying. Why he has not taken me yet is still a mystery. I've almost died from a tooth infection, bleeding out 3/4 of my body's blood, overdosing on Tylenol, overdosing on klonozopam, and yet, he never took me. Being a cutter, he didn't even take me by stopping the blade from hitting an artery. I'm nothing special. I don't hold a high paying job, have not done really anything with my life. And, yet, I have two absolutely beautiful children, I have my mom who is one of my best friends, I have an awesome best friend back in PA, and I have you...the best friend I've ever had and be lucky enough to also be your lover. When the dark clouds hover, that's what I think about and that's why I'm still here. I still think about it, hell, lately it's been pretty much every day. Having to go through each day in pain, not knowing why, not even a hint of why, has brought the clouds closer than they've been in a while. I'm trying to change by trying to get some exercise, taking steps to quit smoking, trying to get myself on a schedule...it's not easy, in fact it's one of the most difficult things to do in a time when my physical and mental stability is up in the air. </div><div><br></div><div>And then there's you. You pushing me to be a better person, to get on a schedule, scolding me when I stray, and loving me through it all. Loving me just because I'm me. Loving me despite my flaws. Loving me because of my flaws. </div><div><br></div><div>When I came out for my visit just over 3 years ago, I really thought I was just going to visit a friend. When I saw you in the bus depot, however, every feeling I ever had for you came flooding back. I had tears of happiness in my eyes when I saw you. You made the short time we had together magical. I didn't want to leave...after 38 years of doing for others and putting myself last, I knew then and there that it was time to put myself first. And a few months later, I did. I left behind a lot of things, but I knew it was you that I needed to be with. </div><div><br></div><div>I've never been with anyone with whom I fall in love with a little more each day. It hasn't always been easy, but no relationship is. We've argued and we've loved. We've cried and we've laughed. Most of all, we've done it together. I don't have to be anyone but myself with you and I like the person I am with you. We're like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. And I can't even think of my life without you in it. </div><div><br></div><div>They say that when you're in love, all the love songs make sense. And whomever "they" are, are completely correct. Every love song I hear reminds me of us. There's one that speaks of a broken road that particularly stands out. I followed that road and it lead me straight to you. There arw no more sad tears when I hear a song that reminded me of when we parted, even though we didn't really part on the best of ways. I realize now, how much I gave up when we parted. That's why I had checked on you. You left an imprint on my heart and that is something that could never be replaced but by the person who imprinted it. </div><div><br></div><div>When I got back to PA after my visit, I sat down with the wolf and let everything come out. I told him that although I loved him, I told him that it was not like the love I had always had for you. Even though he and I were broken up, I could see how his shoulders sagged when I told him that. I didn't want to hurt him, but he deserved the truth...that I had never stopped loving you. You and I have always had a connection that couldn't be broken. You're the first lover I've ever had that with. So, when things were going down, and you invited me here, I knew it was my chance to be happy again. So I grabbed on and took that chance. Something I've never done...it was so spontaneous and unplanned, and, as you know, I like everything to be planned out and controlled. But I needed you back in my life, so when you gave me another chance, I knew it would be the last and I had to grab it. </div><div><br></div><div>I've been comprising this post for a year now. Wanted it to be done for our anniversary last year, but that didn't come to fruition. I would think of it and then the thought would be lost. And here we are, coming to the day before our three year anniversary. Hard to believe it's been that long. </div><div><br></div><div>After all this time, you still warm my heart, make me laugh, let me cry, tell me you love me. Your arms are still the ones that make me feel safe. Feeling you breathe while I drift off beside you is heaven. Loving and being one with my best friend is the greatest feeling in the world. </div><div><br></div><div>I know this past year has been a very trying one. You hold me up on the days I just want to let go. I'm able to speak my feelings to you no matter if I'm depressed or elated or anything in between. You've been my rock even during times I didn't know I needed one. You know me better than I do myself and that is just one of many reasons why I love you so. </div><div><br></div><div>We have had 3 great years together, dealing with the ups and downs (mostly ups). There is no one else I'd rather be riding with on this ride called life. I hope we have many more years and many more days together. </div><div><br></div><div>Happy anniversary, my one true love. You really are my everything. </div><div><br></div><div>06/22/2016</div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-50333546990658394362014-09-25T15:30:00.001-04:002014-09-25T15:30:03.720-04:00New MemoriesThe thought that I'm making new memories with Finn is a bit overwhelming at times. I still have a hard time believing that I'm in his life again. It almost feels as though I'm dreaming and when I wake up, this life that I have with him will disappear. <div><br></div><div>I love going to SCA events with him, the movies, snuggling up and watching movies/TV at home, the laughter we share, the pairing that we have with doing scrolls for the SCA, the kisses and hugs, waking up a little when he says good bye to me in the morning when he tells me "I love you, baby". So many new memories and remembering stuff from when we together before. </div><div><br></div><div>When people wonder if there's just one person out there for them, a soul mate, I can honestly tell them there is. He takes care of me as I take care of him. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be. </div><div><br></div><div>Soul mates. He completes me. I feel completely whole now. And I want this feeling to last forever. </div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-5129005648133729622013-10-11T15:27:00.001-04:002013-10-11T15:27:52.271-04:00New Life<br />
Things that changed my life: My children have been taken away from me, Ex bf/roommate moved out, I'm diagnosed bipolar, still dealing with Crohn's from time to time. I've been broken. I've been fixed. Several times over. And, yet, I still meander along this thing called life. It has brought me down to depths so low I never knew existed. It has also brought me so high I swear I could touch the stars. And then comes love.<br />
<br />
To love another is to see the face of God, they say. Can't say that I believe in God, but I've seen something. This love scares me. I've built such a wall over the last few years that I'm having a hard time allowing it to fall. Each day I love, a chip of it falls away. I love him as I've loved no other, as if I've loved him all my life and had to wait for the right time to be with him. Now is that time. We waited a long time for this.<br />
<br />
I traveled several miles and left my life behind. I left with no regrets. As I traveled I knew each mile was bringing me closer to him. I could start to feel him again, although, I don't think I ever stopped feeling him. I would check his Facebook from time to time to make sure he was OK. I still worried about him and thought about him and dreamed about him even though I was with another.<br />
<br />
I've been having issues with the bipolar lately. We've been arguing because I'm rapid cycling and even the littlest things set me off. You know what he said? He said it's OK. Those two words mean the world to me. It's OK. I told him he didn't sign up for this and he replied that he thought he had. A love so pure, so real, so deep. And it's OK that I'm sick. There are only two other people that have said it's OK and that's my best friend and my mom. To be so broken and still loved, there's nothing like it. It's comforting, a little overwhelming and a whole lot of wonderful.<br />
<br />
That first date almost four years ago now. Couple of beers at the bar. Then back to his place where he made breakfast at 2 in the morning and we talked till dawn. We talked about everything and nothing and it was all so wonderfully magic. I craved seeing him again. Love at first sight? Maybe. But something began that night. Something that grew deeper and deeper.<br />
<br />
He has always held my heart. He has always been on my mind. I thanked him for letting me back into his life and he told me that I never left. And I don't think I did. I never stopped thinking about him. I never stopped wondering about him. <br />
<br />
I never stopped loving him.<br />
<br />
The Only Thing ~ Stabbing Westward<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/LYp-R7mNJmg"><br />
http://youtu.be/LYp-R7mNJmg</a>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-34347998480482852922013-10-01T16:17:00.001-04:002013-10-01T16:17:10.026-04:00Accomplishments TodayI know that the mundane things I'm about to list are normal for some people, but not for me. I get busy doing stuff and forget to do the little things like eating. But today, I have accomplished quite a bit:<br />
<br />
1. Made patterns for garb<br />
2. Took a shower<br />
3. Started finishing a Viking weave circlet<br />
4. Brushed my teeth<br />
5. Ate lunch<br />
6. Made list for stuff needed at stores<br />
<br />
Yes, the mundane. But as I said, I get busy doing stuff and forget important things that need to be done for myself. But today, I accomplished quite a bit if I do say so myself. People don't understand how I can forget to do things, but my brain goes in so many directions that if I don't write it down, I'll forget. Sometimes, I'll even make a list of things that have to be done so I can remember.<br />
<br />
I can't wait until December when I go have my memory tested. Forgetting even the small stuff (like nourishment) is a big deal. And maybe the tests will shed some light on why my short term memory is all but gone and older memories are fading. There's a lot that I don't want to forget, but those, too, are fading. So, if I don't remember to shower one day, please don't fault me for it. It's just that it somehow slipped through the ever widening cracks in my brain. Also, if I don't remember your name, it's the same reason. I'll know your face, but won't know your name. Which lately, that's a problem because I'm meeting so many new people.<br />
<br />
I'll get through this. It's just a bump in the road. And maybe the brain doctor will have suggestions on how to remember things better. Maybe she'll help me re-wire the memory lobes in my brain.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-53444371160474151602013-09-30T11:27:00.000-04:002013-09-30T11:27:38.906-04:00ReasoningThe reason I started blogging again is because as my memory fades, I don't want to forget the memories I've made or how I've felt at a certain time. Between my illness and my medications, my memory dims as each minute passes. I don't want to forget how special I've felt or when I've had a meaningful time or when something sweet has been said to me. I'm coming to terms with my memory loss, but it frustrates me to no end. I'm supposed to be smart but losing my memory has made me feel dumb. So, if I can write about things that have happened or how I feel, it's like I'm writing my legacy for all, but for me especially so I can remember.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtjPzkiRVRTBD4BUER4O3TeD2RBYAUfoLgFcjKRKr740NSQphYTfUUBONFG0kDX_F2V21TLJcHxmPGHnYIweCuoCp1hk8QWwVBbFz_fEFWNgMpC-1TxD2fo1I3uvXTn1aGOpjSZ_u3UmGJ/s1600/1235898_10202076788710964_156459846_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtjPzkiRVRTBD4BUER4O3TeD2RBYAUfoLgFcjKRKr740NSQphYTfUUBONFG0kDX_F2V21TLJcHxmPGHnYIweCuoCp1hk8QWwVBbFz_fEFWNgMpC-1TxD2fo1I3uvXTn1aGOpjSZ_u3UmGJ/s320/1235898_10202076788710964_156459846_n.jpg" /></a></div>Finn and I at Pas d'Armes pour la splendeur et l'apparat de l'automne, September 21, 2013Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-27725007029622024142013-09-30T10:50:00.000-04:002013-09-30T10:50:11.356-04:00Fitting InYesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an event at an art park. Our house set up a tent in which armory was shown off. A lot of kids attended (with their parents, of course) and had a blast trying on helms and chest plates and gauntlets. It was really enjoyable to watch their little faces as they looked at stuff. Parents were taking their pictures with the armor on and with a sword to make them look really cool.<br />
<br />
One thing I noticed about the day was how everyone interacted. It didn't matter if you were pink, purple, black, white, whatever...we were there to share the craft that we do. There was glass bead making (which I want to learn), calligraphers, weavers, fighting, someone showing the different swords and armor a rapier used. And then I found something else out....<br />
<br />
I felt like I belonged.<br />
<br />
We went out for dinner after (about 20ish people). Usually, I don't talk when I don't know people. I stay to myself and let others talk unless I'm spoken to directly. It's something I do because of my anxiety and maybe to protect myself as most of the people in my life are no longer there, so maybe it has something to do with not wanting to get close to people. But last night was different. Last night I spoke. Last night I laughed. And I did these things with people I didn't know (there were six people I knew out of the whole bunch). I felt comfortable. I felt like one of them. And I gotta tell ya, it felt good. I had stirrings inside of me that I hadn't had since I was a teenager and living in NH.<br />
<br />
I also realized I have the most awesome man on this Earth.<br />
<br />
I thanked him for a fun filled day. Then, as we were drifting off to sleep, I thanked him again, this time for letting me back into his life. He told me I never left. I told him I don't think I ever did either. I am so very lucky to have him that I try to take advantage of every moment we have together. Because I know everything could be taken away with just one moment.<br />
<br />
I feel very lucky to have found my home. <br />
<br />
My home where I'm accepted for who I am. <br />
<br />
My home where the second half of my heart is.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-2545656359860457802013-09-25T15:26:00.003-04:002013-09-25T15:26:45.652-04:00LoveHas anyone ever loved so deeply before? I should think so, given that there have been thousands of years of the human race. <br />
<br />
I think of him always. Not all consuming, but he's always on my mind. He completes me. Without him, I feel empty. He makes me laugh, lifts me up and holds me there. He knows what I'm thinking and I know what he's thinking. We don't always have to talk; a look, a touch, a kiss and we can feel what the other feels.<br />
<br />
I almost lost this. I won't say I was a fool years ago, I did what I had to do at the time. But I never stopped thinking of him. I never stopped wondering what he was doing at that particular moment. I checked on him from time to time on Facebook to make sure he was OK.<br />
<br />
Since I've come out here to be with him, it's been like a fairy tale and he's my knight in shining armor. We live a simple life. The little extras we work so hard for.<br />
<br />
Everything I am, he is. It's like I've loved him my whole life and have searched for him and have finally found him. In his arms, I feel strong and protected. I can feel the strength of his love for me. It flows over me like a cloak.<br />
<br />
I sure know I've never felt this way about a man before. Even when I married, I didn't feel this deeply. <br />
<br />
When he left all that time ago, a hole was drilled into my heart that hasn't been filled until now. My heart overflows with the feelings I have for him. I can no longer imagine my life without him by my side. And, yet, if I were to die tomorrow, I would die content and happy for I shared my heart with him again.<br />
<br />
The feelings almost scare me. What if all this were just a dream? What if I were really sleeping and suddenly woke up and he wasn't there? Each day is a gift that I don't take for granted. Each day is a gift with him by my side.<br />
<br />
"All I need<br />
Is the air you breath<br />
All I need<br />
Is the air I breathe<br />
All you need<br />
Is the air we breathe<br />
There are so many things<br />
We need so desperately<br />
And the TV preaches<br />
We can't live without them<br />
You tell me what is neat<br />
I'll tell ya what I believe<br />
If I ever were without it<br />
Then I'd be worthless<br />
'Cause you are everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
You are everything<br />
The only thing that I need<br />
You are everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
Yes you are everything<br />
You are the air I breathe<br />
I wonder if some day<br />
We took all their toys away<br />
Do you think they'd find the strength<br />
To go on living?<br />
'Cause deep inside I know<br />
If I lost everything I owned<br />
I'd be a king<br />
As long as you're beside me<br />
'Cause you are everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
Yes you are everything<br />
The only thing I need<br />
My love means everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
Yes you are everything<br />
You are the air I breathe<br />
The air I breathe<br />
I hope someday they find<br />
A place to bid online<br />
Where all lost souls<br />
Can find themselves some meaning<br />
I know we'll survive<br />
All we need's more time<br />
As long as we've got love, and art,<br />
And the ocean<br />
And we are everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
We are everything<br />
There's nothing else I need<br />
Our love is everything<br />
The only thing that matters<br />
Cause we are everything<br />
You are the air I breathe<br />
The air I breathe"<br />
"The Only Thing"<br />
Stabbing WestwardLittle Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-91370853354688564802013-08-20T17:44:00.004-04:002013-08-20T17:47:35.374-04:00Took a Ginormous LeapSo much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...<br />
<br />
I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.<br />
<br />
I moved.<br />
<br />
I took a ginormous leap and moved.<br />
<br />
And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.<br />
<br />
I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.<br />
<br />
Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.<br />
<br />
Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now. <br />
<br />
I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.<br />
<br />
And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled. <br />
<br />
So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together. <br />
<br />
So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another. <br />
<br />
I lucked out. <br />
<br />
I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-66842613704353904522013-05-13T18:48:00.001-04:002013-05-13T18:48:46.191-04:00Can't Smile Without You ~ Barry Manilow<div style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; "><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You know I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't laugh and I can't sing</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I'm finding it hard to do anything</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You see I feel sad when you're sad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I feel glad when you're glad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If you only knew what I'm going through</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto; "><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I just can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You came along just like a song</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And brightened my day</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Who would of believed that you were part of a dream</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Now it all seems light years away</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And now you know I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't laugh and I can't sing</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I'm finding it hard to do anything</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You see I feel sad when you're sad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I feel glad when you're glad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If you only knew what I'm going through</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I just can't smile</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And you see I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't smile without you</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't laugh and I can't sing</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I'm finding it hard to do anything</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You see I feel glad when you're glad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I feel sad when you're sad</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If you only knew what I'm going through</span></div><div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I just can't smile without you</span></div></div><div><br></div>Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-84213951779318486872010-11-18T21:42:00.002-05:002010-11-18T21:59:13.547-05:00Holding OnSo much has happened in the months since I last posted...I talked things over with the man I thought was wrong for me. But, he has shown me that love can have several levels. Understanding is key. Support is essential. And he has shown me understanding and support. He loves me for me. He considers my children like his own. I miss him when we're not together. I look forward to snuggling up in his arms at night. <br /><br />But while I have a shining light in the darkness, there are shadows lurking. The ex is making things very difficult to keep going. I'm doing the best I can to fulfill my obligations, but no one is hiring at a rate falsely stated in the divorce papers. He never includes me in any decision regarding our children. It feels as though I'm just going in circles. I feel like he's still punishing me for wronging him in our marriage and using our kids as leverage in getting his revenge. <br /><br />I can't help that I can't get a job making what the court expects me to. My current job is "under no obligation" to hire me full time because of my availability. Which is funny that it's ok for some people to nit be full-flex but full time. And nowhere in the Standard Operating Procedures does it say an employee has to be available on weekends. I'm trying as hard as I can. <br /><br />And the harder I try, the more I fail. <br /><br />Thanks to my wonderful immune system, I catch everything that comes around. I'm out sick often. No employer wants that. I'm skating on thin ice because of my disease and absences. One more write up and I'm fired. <br /><br />I can't win. <br /><br />My fiancée is working two jobs to pay our bills. Bills I'm not able to help with because the state takes most of my pay for support that was based upon false information. I can't even afford my health insurance. And if I drop it, they consider my meager pay too much to qualify for any help. My paycheck doesn't even cover my gas back and forth to work for two weeks. <br /><br />I keep trying to hold on for my kids. For my family, but it's so hard...Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-12714780281875583862010-05-23T09:56:00.002-04:002010-05-23T10:04:00.570-04:00Missing YouI got to feel the arms of true love around me. I've missed that horribly.<br /><br />Why am I doing this to myself? Once again in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. Especially when I've got true love at my fingertips...<br /><br />I think of another at almost every point of my day. Dream of being in his arms. Feel his lips on mine. Hear his laughter and his whispers. Everything I am, he is. The connection is almost palpable. Others can see it. We can feel it. Even apart, we know what the other is thinking, feeling. <br /><br />How many people can say they've truly found their soul mate? The person that breathes with you. The person whose heart beats in time with yours. The person who fills in where ou fail and rises you up to succeed? I have that just within my reach. <br /><br />Why am I so afraid to grab it and live a life with him?<br /><br />Am I already beaten down again to the point that I can't? Is my self-esteem so shattered in such a short time?<br /><br />I want to run into his arms and never let go....Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-25795533094242709692010-05-12T10:19:00.002-04:002010-05-12T10:28:22.919-04:00AgainFighting again. What a way to begin the day. <br /><br />This time,we're fighting about my going to Greenwich Village with a male friend to listen to some middle Eastern music and watch some belly dancing. He feels that my friend has intentions of stealing me away from him. That he trusts me but not my friend. To me, it sounds as though he wants me to stay home and do nothing. <br /><br />I understand how hurt he's been before and why he has trust issues. But he doesn't seem to understand my need to go out on my own. To have my own friends. <br /><br />Not to toot my own horn, but I'm sure that more than one of my male friends has thought about sleeping with me. He'll, I've thought about it with them. It's a healthy thing. But, being that I'm with someone, I wouldn't act upon that and I know that they wouldn't either. <br /><br />I feel that he doesn't trust me at all. That he doesn't trust me to say no should things become inappropriate. He says that I can do what I like, but that he's frustrated that I want to do things without him.<br /><br />I can't have this again. I feel myself slipping because I don't wantto create waves. And I'm fighting with myself not to allow it to happen again. <br /><br />I feel so alone and so fed up with it all...Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-61575553986736703812010-05-08T17:56:00.002-04:002010-05-08T18:04:25.735-04:00Run AwayI want to run away. <br /><br />Nothing is as it seems. Some days I feel as though the smile on my face is just painted there. <br /><br />I was out on Wednesday. Met with and hung with someone very special at a truely magical place. Later, a couple friends joined us. It was the first time in a while that I really laughed. <br /><br />The honeymoon is over. Things aren't as perfect as everyone thinks. I'm reminded a lot of my ex husband. And it scares me. I'm so deep into this relationship that I really think it's too late. Is that possible? Is it ever too late?<br /><br />I just want to run. Far away. From everything. To a new place where no one knows me....Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-86737640979678764652010-04-25T13:39:00.002-04:002010-04-25T13:49:07.281-04:00My Own Worst EnemySupposed to be happy, right? I have a wonderful man who gives me everything I want and need. <br /><br />Why do I feel like something's missing?<br /><br />I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I don't really hang out with anyone. I miss it. I miss being with people. I miss so much. <br /><br />But I put a smile on my face and face each day showing the world that I'm happy because I'm supposed to be right?<br /><br />Then why am I here at home, alone, watching the best movie I've seen in years, crying and wondering why I'm here at all?<br /><br />Got sick again. Missed quite a bit of days at my crappy job. Can't seem to get ahead of this flare and it's really getting me down. No one deserves to have to see me like this. I don't deserve to feel like this my kids don't deserve a mother in my condition. My boyfriend and his boys don't deserve to watch this. My family doesn't deserve to watch this. My friends don't deserve it. <br /><br />Why do I keep going?Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-43331009323979325422009-12-27T14:33:00.001-05:002009-12-27T14:33:47.212-05:00Mistake?I think about relationships past. How I seem to need someone in my life. Why can't I just be by myself?<br /><br />Has he done this to me? Left me alone for so long that I can't be alone any more? I'm told that I'm stronger than that. That I should be able to just be by myself. I don't like being alone though. I enjoy closeness and companionship. I didn't have it for so long that I crave it now.<br /><br />Is there something wrong with that?<br /><br />Yes, Finn has been gone for just a couple of months now. And, yes, I still miss him everyday. But don't I deserve someone to be happy with? The person I've been seeing has been making me happy. Perhaps he's filling a void, but I think that without having someone to share things with, there's always a void to be filled. Wouldn't friends be considered filling a void, or hobbies?<br /><br />Perhaps this is just a rebound. Who knows? But if that's the case, my whole life has been full of rebounds. The ex, Finn, the guys I've dated in high school....<br /><br />I just wish there could be a happy medium somewhere.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-27332952161116234022009-11-15T13:20:00.000-05:002009-11-15T13:29:55.074-05:00Beautiful DayMid-November and its 70 degrees outside. Un-friggin-believable!<br /><br />My babies are here this weekend. We're outside, enjoying the weather. Princess is playing chalk and Little Man is playing with his Play-Doh. Actually, they're also hunting for acorns.<br /><br />Yesterday was rainy and chilly. We watched movies all day. They took turns picking which movie to watch and then I picked what to watch at bedtime last night. Dinner, bath, ice cream and a movie. What a perfect night. =)<br /><br />I've dug out a comfy chair. Set it up in the driveway as the kids play. Its days like this I wish would last forever.....Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-17932723837350151452009-11-12T19:16:00.002-05:002009-11-12T19:27:12.089-05:00Never Imagined......it would feel like this.<br /><br />I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.<br /><br />So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?<br /><br />I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.<br /><br />And it hurts. A lot.<br /><br />I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.<br /><br />But I'm in the anger stage.<br /><br />I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.<br /><br />And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.<br /><br />I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-62605931997151560212009-11-10T11:23:00.003-05:002009-11-10T11:35:32.731-05:00A YearA year is both a long time and a short time.<br /><br />A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.<br /><br />A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.<br /><br />My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.<br /><br />A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.<br /><br />Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.<br /><br />I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially. <br /><br />So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-2231216991472314402009-11-03T09:35:00.004-05:002009-11-03T09:47:27.078-05:00StrongI'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.<br /><br />For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away. <br /><br />And took my heart with him.<br /><br />Its a week today.<br /><br />I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.<br /><br />I miss him.<br /><br />I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here. <br /><br />Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.<br /><br />We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.<br /><br />Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.<br /><br />I love you.Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-67010719761820625372009-11-01T13:31:00.002-05:002009-11-01T13:41:25.638-05:00Painted on My HeartI thought you'd be out of my mind<br />And I'd finally found a way to<br />Learn to live without you<br /><br />I thought it was just a matter of time<br />Till I had a hundred reasons<br />Not to think about you<br /><br />But its just not so<br />And after all this time, I still can't let go<br /><br />I've still got your face<br />Painted on my heart<br />Scrawled upon my soul<br />Etched upon my memory baby<br /><br />I've got your kiss<br />Still burning on my lips<br />The touch of your fingertips<br />This love so deep inside of me<br /><br />I was trying everything that I can<br />To get my heart to forget you<br />But it just can't seem to<br /><br />I guess its just no use<br />In every part of me<br />Is still a part of you<br /><br />And I've still got your face<br />Painted on my heart<br />Scrawled upon my soul<br />Etched upon my memory, baby<br /><br />I've got your kiss<br />Still burning on my lips<br />The touch of her fingertips<br />This love so deep inside of me, baby<br /><br />I've still got your face<br />Painted on my heart<br />Painted on my heart<br />Painted on my heart, oh baby<br /><br />Something in your eyes keeps haunting me<br />I'm trying to escape you<br />And I know there ain't no way to<br />To chase you from my mind<br /><br />I've still got your face<br />Painted on my heart<br />Scrawled upon my soul<br />Etched upon my memory baby<br /><br />I've got your kiss<br />Still burning on my lips<br />The touch of my fingertips<br />This love so deep inside of me, baby<br /><br />I've still got your face<br />I've still got your face<br />Painted on my heart<br />Painted on my heart<br /><br />"Painted on My Heart", The CultLittle Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9082374184201441123.post-5546613723770022012009-10-28T18:15:00.001-04:002009-10-28T18:21:21.908-04:00The PromiseIf you wait for me<br />Then I'll come for you<br />Although I've traveled far<br />I always hold a place for you in my heart<br /><br />If you think of me<br />If you miss me once in awhile<br />Then I'll return to you<br />I'll return and fill that space in your heart<br /><br />Remembering<br />Your touch<br />Your kiss<br />Your warm embrace<br />I'll find my way back to you<br />If you'll be waiting<br /><br />If you dream of me<br />Like I dream of you<br />In a place that's warm and dark<br />In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart<br /><br />Remembering<br />Your touch<br />Your kiss<br />Your warm embrace<br />I'll find my way back to you<br />If you'll be waiting<br /><br />I've longed for you<br />And I have desired<br />To see your face your smile<br />To be with you wherever you are<br /><br />Remembering<br />Your touch<br />Your kiss<br />Your warm embrace<br />I'll find my way back to you<br />Please say you'll be waiting<br /><br />Together again<br />It would feel so good to be<br />In your arms<br />Where all my journeys end<br />If you can make a promise<br />If it's one that you can keep<br />I vow to come for you<br />If you wait for me<br /><br />And say you'll hold<br />A place for me<br />In your heart.<br /><br />"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995Little Crithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18324119523606640361noreply@blogger.com1