Reflections

As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

Busy Days

So, Finn got back last night. Yay! heehee

I went over for dinner and a movie. I made dinner, he provided the movie. Dinner? Mexican rice and fresh kielbasa. Movie? Boondock Saints. Which was awesome, by the way.

I missed him. More than I thought I would.

So, tonight, I finish sewing my new cloak. Don't worry, pictures will be forthcoming on Flickr. And, I have to hem my skirt a little bit...don't want it dragging in the mud.

Lots of work!

Just a question: why does my heart skip a beat when I catch him looking over at me?

Another Birthday

So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)

My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.

So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.

He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.

For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.

As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.

I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.

GUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are probably going to be sick of me by the end of tonight. I am absolutely gushing about Finn. I realized over the last couple of days that I am completely head over heels in like with him. I don't know that it's the other "L" word yet. Either that, or I'm in denial. Nah. I'm not in denial. No way.

Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.

Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(

He gave me the extra key to his place.

Oh.my.gawd.

Going Home

So, here I sit, the last evening before packing the Explorer up and heading back North. 

I really don't want to go, but, real life must begin again.

I have had the most wonderful time. Suesue is a most gracious hostess and her daughter is such a sweetheart. 

We had our show on Saturday. Unfortunately, the sponsor didn't set up properly and no patrons came our way, so we ended up not selling a red cent. But, I didn't think it was such a big deal. After some rain first thing in the morning, the weather cleared and we ended up having a beautiful day, weather wise. On the way back to Sue's, we stopped to pick up fixings for dinner and I made them Jambalaya. We then watched Nim's Island. After the girls went to bed, I stayed up to finish a job application. Then turned in from exhaustion.

Today, Sue had to work. Her daughter went to church with Sue's mom and I just relaxed in the quiet. It was actually kinda nice. Got some pics uploaded, started to apply for some temporary employment (which, I've already got a lead! Now, if I only remember what I did with my resume). Watched some Monty Python and Dr. Who (finally). When Sue got home, she made lasagna, which was really good! Then we watched Made of Honor. Now, the girls went to bed and I'm still up, enjoying the quiet once again.

Later this morning, I asked Sue to get me up so I could say good bye to her and her daughter. That's in about five hours. I really don't want to leave. Sue has made me feel very much at home here. We get along famously, like we've known each other forever. But, I do have my babies to go home to and a life of my own to start. I'll be back, I just know it.

Besides, I'm already planning on stowing away in the trunk of her car when she does her road trip to her sister's in Missouri around Christmas. :)