Cat's Out of the Bag

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

Another Birthday

So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)

My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.

So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.

He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.

For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.

As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.

I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.