I have a meeting this morning at Princess' school. Apparantly, she's having a little difficulty with her letters and sight words so we're meeting with her teacher and helpers to see what can be done to help her. She's a very smart little girl, but her mind just may not be mature enough for this. There is nothing else that she is having a problem with, so we'll see what happens. If she doesn't improve by June, there is talk of keeping her back. But, I'd like to try everything possible first. She's my girl after all. She'll get through this. And, if she needs to stay back, so be it, but I'd like her to give it a good fight, though. :)
In other news, of which there isn't much. Worried about a couple of friends that are dealing with a lot of shit right now. One needs a lot of support as she goes through a bump in life. OK, a pothole in life, but hey. Luckily, I've been where she is right now, so I can give her experienced advice. Now if she'd just listen to me...My other friend is dealing with health issues with his wife. She's very ill, chronically so. And, while I worry about her, I worry more for him. He's so busy taking care of her, that he forgets about himself. She's got pain medicine to take away her aches, but he has nothing. And while I can give him support, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things OK. I wish I were able to gather them both up in a big hug and just hold them.
Finn and I are doing well. I really enjoy spending time with him. And just being with him makes me happier than I've been in a while. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of my feelings and I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same. I know he cares quite a bit, but I'm not sure just how much. I wish I could just tell him...
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Another Birthday
So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)
My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.
So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.
He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.
For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.
As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.
I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.
My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.
So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.
He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.
For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.
As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.
I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
New Friends
I ended up hanging with a new friend for Thanksgiving. Well, actually, we went out the night before (got a pretty healthy buzz going), I had to work Thanksgiving morning and then he came over for turkey. He helped me fix dinner - wouldn't let me say no if I tried. In fact, I did try, but he just wouldn't sit and stay still. He even contributed a dish to the meal!
I sliced the middle finger on my left hand pretty good while cutting the yams. Finn followed me down the hall to the bathroom where I had immediately stuck my hand under cold running water. He then went back to the kitchen and promptly grabbed a paper towel. After evaluating the cut and determining that it was not quite bad enough for a trip to the ER, he had me wrap my finger with the towel and told me to put constant pressure on it and hold it above my head. He then walked with me back to the kitchen where he told me to sit for 15 minutes while he continued to prepare the yams (he had already sliced the potatoes). He would not let me move for the entire 15 minutes and kept checking my finger for blood loss.
He took care of me! :D
Oh, and the finger is sore, but fine. No stitches were needed. Just a band-aid to keep the cut closed; without the bandage, it keeps getting pulled open.
Yes, we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Hence the reason I am no longer on line much anymore. Hence the lack of posting to my diary. But, I'm happy. He makes me happy. He challenges me. And I like that.
What else do I like? The fact that when we're at work together, I will look over at him and catch him looking at me. And rather than shy away, he'll catch my gaze back and smile. If he's in a different department, he'll make a point to come where I am and say good bye when his shift is over.
We share a lot of interests, but have enough that we're different. But, he's artistic and creative and interesting. I find myself intrigued by him. He tells me a lot, but there's so many layers to him that I've only begun to scratch the surface.
He concerns himself with my needs and feelings. I'm not used to this. We go out. In public. Every week. And yet, we can have just as much fun just staying in and watching a DVD. We make each other laugh.
I didn't expect this. I didn't start my job looking to start to care about someone. I expected to meet people, maybe hang out. But finding one person in particular? And so soon? Never thought it would happen. But, I'm not questioning it. I'm taking each day as it happens.
And if each of those days can be happy, well, all the better. :P
I sliced the middle finger on my left hand pretty good while cutting the yams. Finn followed me down the hall to the bathroom where I had immediately stuck my hand under cold running water. He then went back to the kitchen and promptly grabbed a paper towel. After evaluating the cut and determining that it was not quite bad enough for a trip to the ER, he had me wrap my finger with the towel and told me to put constant pressure on it and hold it above my head. He then walked with me back to the kitchen where he told me to sit for 15 minutes while he continued to prepare the yams (he had already sliced the potatoes). He would not let me move for the entire 15 minutes and kept checking my finger for blood loss.
He took care of me! :D
Oh, and the finger is sore, but fine. No stitches were needed. Just a band-aid to keep the cut closed; without the bandage, it keeps getting pulled open.
Yes, we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Hence the reason I am no longer on line much anymore. Hence the lack of posting to my diary. But, I'm happy. He makes me happy. He challenges me. And I like that.
What else do I like? The fact that when we're at work together, I will look over at him and catch him looking at me. And rather than shy away, he'll catch my gaze back and smile. If he's in a different department, he'll make a point to come where I am and say good bye when his shift is over.
We share a lot of interests, but have enough that we're different. But, he's artistic and creative and interesting. I find myself intrigued by him. He tells me a lot, but there's so many layers to him that I've only begun to scratch the surface.
He concerns himself with my needs and feelings. I'm not used to this. We go out. In public. Every week. And yet, we can have just as much fun just staying in and watching a DVD. We make each other laugh.
I didn't expect this. I didn't start my job looking to start to care about someone. I expected to meet people, maybe hang out. But finding one person in particular? And so soon? Never thought it would happen. But, I'm not questioning it. I'm taking each day as it happens.
And if each of those days can be happy, well, all the better. :P
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Waiting
Things are going well right now. I've met a wonderful new friend. I'm picking up all kinds of hours at work. Mom and I have struck an agreement with my living situation (rent makes things so much better). Kids are feeling better and are doing wonderful. And there's this strange feeling I have....
I'm happy.
When is this going to implode?
I swear. I'm not allowed to feel this happy. Something is going to happen. Something is lurking around the corner and waiting to kill my happiness.
Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I feel I deserve this happiness?
Dammit. One day at a time. I deserve this.
I'm happy.
When is this going to implode?
I swear. I'm not allowed to feel this happy. Something is going to happen. Something is lurking around the corner and waiting to kill my happiness.
Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I feel I deserve this happiness?
Dammit. One day at a time. I deserve this.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thinking
So I sit here thinking. The tears have been rolling free today. I wish they would just stop. I wish the thoughts would stop. I'm taking a break this weekend. Went to my mother's. So I'm posting from her computer.
Mom told me to think of the things that attracted me to my husband. Jeez...that's really drawing on my memory. It's been so long.
First thing that made me look at him? He looked good in his jeans and he had long hair (hey, give me a break...I was 17 when we met). When he sat down and we started talking, I was impressed with how easy it was to talk to him. It thrilled me when he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, he hugged me and then just kissed me on my cheek. Of course, he hadn't given me his pager number and we lost touch for those first couple of weeks, but when we met again, he was so sweet and apologetic that I instantly forgave him.
When we eventually decided to be exclusive, I was so excited. We had such a good time together, talking and laughing. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every day. He never had much money, but he always made sure that I was taken care of.
We moved in together five months after we got together. That's when we discovered that life is not all peaches and cream - we fought constantly. That should've been the first sign.
Somehow, we weathered through the storm of getting used to living together. Either that, or we were just too damn stubborn to give up. Honestly, I think that's what has gotten us through our lives together.
I don't know when the magic went away. I don't know when the warm and fuzzy feelings stopped. I know that those feelings don't stay forever. But, shouldn't I feel something? Maybe what we had has never been "true love"...
Mom told me to think of the things that attracted me to my husband. Jeez...that's really drawing on my memory. It's been so long.
First thing that made me look at him? He looked good in his jeans and he had long hair (hey, give me a break...I was 17 when we met). When he sat down and we started talking, I was impressed with how easy it was to talk to him. It thrilled me when he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, he hugged me and then just kissed me on my cheek. Of course, he hadn't given me his pager number and we lost touch for those first couple of weeks, but when we met again, he was so sweet and apologetic that I instantly forgave him.
When we eventually decided to be exclusive, I was so excited. We had such a good time together, talking and laughing. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every day. He never had much money, but he always made sure that I was taken care of.
We moved in together five months after we got together. That's when we discovered that life is not all peaches and cream - we fought constantly. That should've been the first sign.
Somehow, we weathered through the storm of getting used to living together. Either that, or we were just too damn stubborn to give up. Honestly, I think that's what has gotten us through our lives together.
I don't know when the magic went away. I don't know when the warm and fuzzy feelings stopped. I know that those feelings don't stay forever. But, shouldn't I feel something? Maybe what we had has never been "true love"...
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Scars
While doing my daily look at lyrics, I found something perfect for what I'm feeling right now.
Had a big talk with my husband this morning. I feel as though I just jumped into a pool of bleach and am burned raw. Plus, with what I'm dealing with internally, it feels like I then poured salt on those burns. But, this song makes me think of everything in my life, past and present.
ARGH!
Had a big talk with my husband this morning. I feel as though I just jumped into a pool of bleach and am burned raw. Plus, with what I'm dealing with internally, it feels like I then poured salt on those burns. But, this song makes me think of everything in my life, past and present.
ARGH!
I've stood upon my mountaintop
And shouted at the sky
Walked above the pavement
With my sense amplified
I get this feeling...
All my nerves are naked wires
All my nerves are naked wires
Tender to the touch
Sometimes super sensitive
But who can care too much?
I get this feeling...
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again
Each emotional injury
Each emotional injury
Leaves behind its mark
Sometimes they come tumbling out
Like shadows in the dark
I get this feeling...
When I think about all I have seen
When I think about all I have seen
And all I'll never see
When I think about the people
Who have opened up to me
I get this feeling...
Snow falls deep around my house
Snow falls deep around my house
And holds the winter light
I've heard the lions hunting
In the Serengeti night
I get this feeling...
Forests turned to factories
Forests turned to factories
And river, sea, and sky
Hungry child in the desert
And the flies that cloud her eyes
I get this feeling...
Pleasure leaves a fingerprint
Pleasure leaves a fingerprint
As surely as mortal pain
In memories they resonate
And echo back again...
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pleasure
Scars of pain
Atmospheric changes
Make them sensitive again
Rush, "Presto", 1987, "Scars"
How Do You Know...
How do you know if what you feel is truly real? How do you know what is real?
I know I'm real. I know my kids are real. I know that kind of stuff. I'm talking about your feelings. How do you know that they're real?
They say that some people think with their heart and some with their heads. Um, hello? The heart is a muscle; it has no receptors in order to think and feel. Your brain is the one that thinks. It just depends on which side, left or right, that is doing the thinking.
I mean, seriously. How do you know if you're in love with someone? Does it make your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Does your tummy do flip flops? Possibly.
What does it mean when you don't feel that anymore? If you haven't felt that in a long time?
What does that mean?
Actually, I'm a little scared of the answer....
I know I'm real. I know my kids are real. I know that kind of stuff. I'm talking about your feelings. How do you know that they're real?
They say that some people think with their heart and some with their heads. Um, hello? The heart is a muscle; it has no receptors in order to think and feel. Your brain is the one that thinks. It just depends on which side, left or right, that is doing the thinking.
I mean, seriously. How do you know if you're in love with someone? Does it make your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Does your tummy do flip flops? Possibly.
What does it mean when you don't feel that anymore? If you haven't felt that in a long time?
What does that mean?
Actually, I'm a little scared of the answer....
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