A Year

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Bleh

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

A Meeting and Such

I have a meeting this morning at Princess' school. Apparantly, she's having a little difficulty with her letters and sight words so we're meeting with her teacher and helpers to see what can be done to help her. She's a very smart little girl, but her mind just may not be mature enough for this. There is nothing else that she is having a problem with, so we'll see what happens. If she doesn't improve by June, there is talk of keeping her back. But, I'd like to try everything possible first. She's my girl after all. She'll get through this. And, if she needs to stay back, so be it, but I'd like her to give it a good fight, though. :)

In other news, of which there isn't much. Worried about a couple of friends that are dealing with a lot of shit right now. One needs a lot of support as she goes through a bump in life. OK, a pothole in life, but hey. Luckily, I've been where she is right now, so I can give her experienced advice. Now if she'd just listen to me...My other friend is dealing with health issues with his wife. She's very ill, chronically so. And, while I worry about her, I worry more for him. He's so busy taking care of her, that he forgets about himself. She's got pain medicine to take away her aches, but he has nothing. And while I can give him support, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things OK. I wish I were able to gather them both up in a big hug and just hold them.

Finn and I are doing well. I really enjoy spending time with him. And just being with him makes me happier than I've been in a while. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of my feelings and I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same. I know he cares quite a bit, but I'm not sure just how much. I wish I could just tell him...

Friends

Just a little intro on this song: I'm no longer a very Christian person. I believe that there's something out there, I'm just not sure it's God. However, growing up, I went to church every Sunday, was baptized, had my First Communion, even belonged to a youth group.

That being said, while in youth group, I fell in love with quite a few Christian rock singers ~ still enjoy them to this day. One of my all time faves is Michael W. Smith. I even got to see him in concert in Worcester, MA, when I was 16! This song was kind of our youth group song and it still has a lot of meaning to me to today with the friends I hold near and dear...

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
Cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

Michael W. Smith, "Friends", The Michael W. Smith Project, 1983

What If List

OK. I must begin this post by stating that I have been with my husband since I was 17. As stated previously, I am 33 now. This December marks 16 years that we have been together. We got married in 2003, had our daughter that August and then our son followed in March of 2005. We've had our bumps (OK, potholes) in the road, but we're working on them.

So, this post by no means means that I'm about to go off and do a bunch of guys. I don't want that. However, that being said, there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy.

Hence, the What If List.

Ah, the What If List. That came about one night while I was still working a couple of years ago. My best friend and I used to work together and it was a slow night at the store. We started talking about some of the cute guys we worked with. We started to imagine what it would be like to be with them. It wasn't as though we were going to start hitting on them and sleeping with them, it was just nice to imagine.

Over the last couple of years, we have added to this list. It has included strangers that we've passed at the store while shopping, friends, celebrities. It's actually pretty interesting.

What's fun about it...it's pure fantasy. These poor, unsuspecting guys are probably doing things that they never dreamed about! Heehee

Heck, there's guys on there that I never would've thought I'd want on there. Some of them are completely opposite of what I usually go for. But maybe that's the point. Maybe the point is to keep it to guys I normally wouldn't be attracted to in order to keep it fantasy. Hopefully, it doesn't mean that my tastes have changed. I love my bad-boy biker hubby.

Although, there are a couple of guys on my list that I wouldn't mind finding out for sure what they're like (and they know who they are)....