A Year

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Making Sense of Things

I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.

There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.

To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.

I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?

I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.

I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.

And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.

In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.

But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.

And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.

I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.

I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.

Raw

Made it through the night. I took a couple sleeping pills so I was able to get a really good night sleep (note to self: get more sleeping pills).

I have so many issues to work through. The biggest one being that I need to let go of a relationship in order to keep it. I tend to cling very tightly to someone. Of course, I chalk this up to the fact that Xman had a way of making me feel as though I couldn't do anything without him. Now I'm seeing this wonderful man who makes me do things for myself. I never thought I'd have a hard time with this. I guess its because I actually have to think for myself.

For so long, I did whatever he wanted. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't all the time. There were occasions where we did what I wanted. But mostly, it was his ideas because he didn't think he enjoyed the things I did.

But now, with Finn, he's not really that into what I like, but he's willing to join me. He asks what I want to do. He makes me think. We have conversations. About everything. Movies, books, life. It's amazing. I didn't realize that I could have this with a partner. It happens with friends, but I don't think that I've ever had this with a partner.

Even though I have no idea where my relationship with Finn is going, I am enjoying what we have right now. I just hope that my craziness won't push him away.

2008 in Review

*sigh*
What a year. What a crazy friggin year.

It started normal enough last January. Birthdays came and went. The first few months of the year sailed by. Then came April.

April is when my marriage started to unravel. Well, actually, it was before that, but that's when things took a turn for the much worse. We tried counseling. I tried to find the love I had had for him previously. It just wasn't there. I couldn't find it. September brought everything crashing down. He kicked me out. It was over.

In the meantime, I really started to find myself again. Who I was 16 years ago, only older and wiser. Well, older anyway. But, my creativity came back. But fun came back. My zest for life came back. I'm still shedding the cocoon, but its going away. And I'm really enjoying becoming a butterfly.

October brought a new job. November brought new friends. November brought Finn.

Now, as Christmas has come and gone, quietly slipping by not unlike any other day, I sit and reflect upon the changes. My kids have noticed that mommy's happier. I've noticed that I'm happier. Even at work, people have noticed a change from when I first started. My friends online have noticed the change. And some are so happy to be there to watch it. And you know what? I'm glad that they're there as well.

So, let's raise a glass to 2009. Here's to a new year! CHEERS!