Going Home

So, here I sit, the last evening before packing the Explorer up and heading back North. 

I really don't want to go, but, real life must begin again.

I have had the most wonderful time. Suesue is a most gracious hostess and her daughter is such a sweetheart. 

We had our show on Saturday. Unfortunately, the sponsor didn't set up properly and no patrons came our way, so we ended up not selling a red cent. But, I didn't think it was such a big deal. After some rain first thing in the morning, the weather cleared and we ended up having a beautiful day, weather wise. On the way back to Sue's, we stopped to pick up fixings for dinner and I made them Jambalaya. We then watched Nim's Island. After the girls went to bed, I stayed up to finish a job application. Then turned in from exhaustion.

Today, Sue had to work. Her daughter went to church with Sue's mom and I just relaxed in the quiet. It was actually kinda nice. Got some pics uploaded, started to apply for some temporary employment (which, I've already got a lead! Now, if I only remember what I did with my resume). Watched some Monty Python and Dr. Who (finally). When Sue got home, she made lasagna, which was really good! Then we watched Made of Honor. Now, the girls went to bed and I'm still up, enjoying the quiet once again.

Later this morning, I asked Sue to get me up so I could say good bye to her and her daughter. That's in about five hours. I really don't want to leave. Sue has made me feel very much at home here. We get along famously, like we've known each other forever. But, I do have my babies to go home to and a life of my own to start. I'll be back, I just know it.

Besides, I'm already planning on stowing away in the trunk of her car when she does her road trip to her sister's in Missouri around Christmas. :)

Meeting New People

I got to meet two fellow Etsians today!!!!!!

First, I got to meet SeeBooKnit (http://www.seebooknit.etsy.com). I drove to her B&M shop. Got to see her awesome store!!!!! Got to meet her!!!!!! She is soooooo cool! Very sweet! I can't wait to go back to her store. She has it filled with such pretties from other Etsians. She is super duper sweet and so easy to talk to! I could easily hang with her!

How awesome is that?

The other person I got to meet, am staying with for the weekend and doing a show with on Saturday is SueStitches (http://www.suestitches.etsy.com). Drove from PA to VA. Through traffic on I95. Down a little country two-lane highway. Over some huge bridges. Until I finally made it to Sue's. 

Sue is awesome. She made dinner (homemade spaghetti sauce)! She made us drinks. We called another Etsian. We played online. We talked. She is so utterly wonderful! What a great person! Tomorrow, we will sew to get ready for Saturday. But, tonight, we chill!  :)

First Weekend Over

So, I dropped my babies off at the house tonight. :( They both zonked out in the car on the way home, so I didn't even get to do anymore than just kiss them goodbye.

Tomorrow, they begin daycare. Before and after school care at the school that Princess goes to. We haven't checked this place out or even met the person who runs it, so tomorrow morning, I will meet Mr. X at the school so I can be there to meet and see this place. It's very important to me to be included in the decision on where our children will be going to daycare. I've been their provider for five years now. It's not going to be easy to just stop. Although, I have already been forced to do that.

Our weekend was wonderful! We got lost going to the store yesterday, but we found our way. I got a new camera (so I don't have to fight for the other one at the house). And we proceeded to the park. They had a great time climbing and sliding and swinging. They made a couple of little friends and had a great time chasing them and playing.

Today was a little more laid back. They wanted to play at the house and watch videos. So, we watched Lilo and Stitch and then Cars. They played and I combined working and playing with them. Finally, the videos were over and we took off for the village for fun on the carousel and looking at scarecrows. We three had so much fun playing arcade games and winning prize tickets. Princess and I played air hockey (yes!) while Little Man watched. We three played Skee Ball and games of chance. And, when it was all over, we turned in our tickets (I gave the kids mine) and then we got our tickets for the carousel.

Little Man was getting tired by this point. He gave me a little trouble about getting on a horse, but all was good. Of course, then he didn't want his picture taken, but I did anyway. Princess had a blast and posed for every picture I wanted to take.

Once off the carousel, we walked outside to look at the scarecrows. I began taking pictures of some neat ones and then Princess wanted to snap pics. I gave her the camera and she took some of the pics of the scarecrows. She's a great little photographer! Little Man told us which ones to take pictures of.

Alas, though, all good things must come to an end. Come five o'clock, we had to start walking back to the car as Mr. X wanted them home by six. They were pretty good about leaving. And so-so about going back to the house. But, it's something we all have to get used to. Unfortunately.

First Weekend

Yay! My babies are sleeping in the other room right now. They're with me for the weekend. I'm so excited!

Tomorrow, I plan on going to Walmart. Misplaced some interfacing (I have a sinking feeling it got thrown away by accident), so I need to get more. Then, I'm taking my chitlins over to the park for the afternoon.

Sunday, I am taking them to a local outdoor shopping village. They have an indoor play area with an antique carousel and other games. They enjoy it there. Then, we'll walk around the village. During this time of year, they have a scarecrow contest. People create scarecrows of varying themes and the scarecrows are then placed on display throughout the village. Sometimes, there's a live band playing in the courtyard. That's fun because if there's any little ones, they run around and dance on the grass. So, you see why I need the camera?

So, we've got a pretty busy weekend planned. Next weekend is the show in Virginia. So, while the babies sleep, I'll be getting halters ready to sew.

Never a dull moment!

Have a great weekend!

Friends

Just a little intro on this song: I'm no longer a very Christian person. I believe that there's something out there, I'm just not sure it's God. However, growing up, I went to church every Sunday, was baptized, had my First Communion, even belonged to a youth group.

That being said, while in youth group, I fell in love with quite a few Christian rock singers ~ still enjoy them to this day. One of my all time faves is Michael W. Smith. I even got to see him in concert in Worcester, MA, when I was 16! This song was kind of our youth group song and it still has a lot of meaning to me to today with the friends I hold near and dear...

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
Cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It wont even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

Michael W. Smith, "Friends", The Michael W. Smith Project, 1983

Tired

I am so tired. Emotionally. Physically.

So much to do. And now, my mother just kicked me out. I think. Well, she told me to go home.

I can't go home. He won't let me. I have no place to live. I have no money. I've got my car! I just want my kids. But I can't even have them as I have no way to provide for them.

I realize that I have made the choices that have led me to this place. I just didn't realize I'd be so alone.

Mission

Hold your fire
Keep it burning bright
Hold the flame 'til the dream ignites
A spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission

I hear their passionate music
Read the words that touch my heart
I gaze at their feverish pictures
The secrets that set them apart

When I feel the powerful visions
Their fire has made alive
I wish I had that instinct
I wish I had that drive

Spirits fly on dangerous missions
Imaginations on fire
Focused high on soaring ambitions
Consumed in a single desire

In the grip of a nameless possession
A slave to the drive of obsession
A spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission

I watch their images flicker
Bringing light to a lifeless screen
I walk through their beautiful buildings
And I wish I had their dreams
But dreams don't need to have motion
To keep their spark alive
Obsession has to have action
Pride turns on the drive

It's cold comfort
To the ones without it
To know how they struggled
How they suffered about it
If their lives were exotic and strange
They would likely have gladly exchanged them
For something a little more plain
Maybe something a little more sane

We each pay a fabulous price
For our visions of paradise
But a spirit with a vision is a dream
With a mission

Rush, "Mission", Hold Your Fire, 1987

Hello from Beyond!

So. Hi there.

We are separating. It's over. But, I knew that. He knows more than I ever wanted him to know. At least it's all out in the open now. I don't have to hide anymore. No more lying.

Of course, now I have to find a job. Find an apartment. Worry about custody. How am I going to afford an attorney? Hopefully, they take payments. I hope this doesn't get nasty.

He's already been hurtful. Called me names. And, they weren't "sweetheart" either. But, I know he's hurting and he's just lashing out. Doesn't excuse his name calling, but it explains it. He did try to make me feel that this is all my fault.

Hey, I'm certainly not innocent in this. Not by a long shot. But neither is he. Not by a long shot. This has been a long time coming.

I'm glad the moment is finally here.

Busy Times

Last night, I went and fitted four people for alterations for a wedding. All alterations need to be completed before Wednesday.

Then, I have a custom order that needs to be finished TODAY. Well, it doesn't, but in my head, it does.

Aaannndd...I just accepted an invite to do a show in Virginia. On the 27th. That's two weeks from tomorrow.

And, I still have to get the laundry done, grocery shopping, take care of the kids, make sure dinner's ready, promote the shop (http://www.CynfullyCreative.etsy.com), breathe, eat, drink coffee. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel so overwhelmed right now that I can't even begin one project!

Maybe I'll get the grocery shopping done. But I should sew the halter and get that listed. Or maybe start the alterations.

As I said...lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Sorry

I have been so busy with opening shop. I have neglected my brain dump! Oh the humanity!

Anyway.

So far, no sales. But, it's only been two days. However, I have gotten a request for a custom sized halter (which will be worked up today) and I got a phone call for a big alteration job locally. I guess when it rains, it pours. The alterations would need to be completed by next Wednesday. It's a formal gown, flower girl dress and two pants hems. By next Wednesday.

And, how has the husband been with the shop? Heh. Well, let's just say he's not happy. He's afraid that I'll forget everything else and just focus on my business. Funny, dinner is made, house is straightened up, laundry is getting done, kids are fed, Princess is off to school on time. Yeah, seems as though I'm going to forget all about real life. As a matter of fact, right now (well, after blogging), I'm going to do the grocery shopping and make up next week's dinner menu.

I think life will continue without a hitch.

What I need him to do though, is stop checking up on me. Last night, he went through my favorites and hearts and asked me who the people were any why I had them on the list. I feel as though I need to wear diapers. I am a grown woman. I've made mistakes in the past, yes, but this is a new me. Besides, I know how to hide things better now (um, just kidding). But, I need him to trust me. He has admitted to not trusting me even though he says he loves me. I just don't understand how you can love someone you can't trust. When I point that out, he gets flustered and makes up some lame excuse saying that he does trust me.

I'm still not feeling very warm and fuzzy about us. And opening this shop has made the feeling almost cold and harsh. Maybe it'll change. Maybe it won't. I don't know that I'm waiting around to find out...

CynfullyCreative

Well, I did it. I opened my shop. He "allowed" me to open. But now, my life is an open book. Waiting for him to read it. I don't know that I like that. He doesn't trust me. At all. He says he does but he doesn't. We'll see how this goes...

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6223513

LDFKJSIEJFKDJF#$^$%&^&

That's about what my brain feels like today.

I had a migraine yesterday. Anytime I have one of those, the next day I feel like I have a hangover. My brain doesn't work.

I have much to do. I have sewing to do to start making inventory for the grand re-opening. I actually cleaned up my sewing area so I can find my sewing machine and serger again. I threaded the sewing machine with black thread so I can finish the halter I started months ago. Blew the dust off the machines. And, then, I got sucked back into the forums.

Well, first, I pricked myself with a pin and started bleeding. One Spongebob band aid (the perks of having kids) later and I quit already. Hey...pin pricks are painful!

I should just go sew. The forums are slow today. No one's up for joking around.

Damn it. Guess I'll sew...

Just Realized

With my mother on her way to my house, I just realized that we only have one comfortable chair in the living room in which to plant one's butt.

Our couch is dead.

We have our dining room table in there with six chairs (eventually, the living room as we know it will be a dining room), but my husband's recliner is still in there.

Where's the fairness in that?

Nerves

Today is my therapy day. All by my lonesome. He doesn't even know I'm going.

I'm not looking for a miracle. I'm not looking for her to tell me what I should do. I'm just looking to seek some answers for myself.

I know that everything is going to be OK. I really do. Wherever the wind takes me, life will be OK.

"Here I Go Again"

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...

Whitesnake, "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake, 1987

First Day

Well, the Princess had her first day of kindergarten today. Her father, Mimi, brother and I all saw her off on the bus this morning. She looked like such a big girl with her Dora backpack and Hannah Montana skate sneakers. My heart was breaking as much as it was swelling with pride.

In the past weeks, whenever we've talked to her about school and riding the bus, she has said that she didn't want to go. Well, that all changed this morning. She dragged her feet a little bit walking across the street to get to the bus. But, once there, she bounded up the stairs and in her seat. She didn't even kiss her father good-bye (I got a kiss though, heehee). I had to get on the bus to help her with her seat belt, but then that was it - off she went!

It was a quiet morning. Even with Little Man still home, it was quiet. He and I had pizza for breakfast. He was lost without her. Poor guy. But, he got Mommy all to himself this morning, so that made up for it.

He and I walked down to the end of the driveway to wait for her bus. I showed him how to make music with a blade of grass. We ran around the end of the driveway, chasing each other and he played drums with a couple of sticks. Then, we saw the big yellow bus coming, he squealed, I smiled. Princess unlocked her seat belt and got off the bus. Then I asked about her day.

She didn't want to talk about it. :(

I finally got out of her that she had a good time. She finally showed me what she did at school and also the little bit of homework that we have to do together tonight.

She's going to be A-OK. :)

New Tattoo

I have to laugh.

Hubby and I had discussed a while ago (after I got my shoulder piece) that I wasn't going to get any more tattoos as he doesn't like women with a lot of tats. He actually really doesn't like me having the three that I have. I feel that my tats represent me and I wouldn't change what I have for the world.

Well, I'm getting another one. Here she is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2777879771/

I haven't decided where. He wants me to add it to one that I already have. I don't know that what I want can be tied to anything I have. So, he said, "well you're not allowed to have another one".

Uh, what? What am I, five years old again?

So, I challenged him. I asked, allowed? several times. He didn't like that, so he dropped the subject. Like a hot potato.

Heehee...guess I got him. Dude, don't tell me what I can and can't do with my skin. I want my nymph. And I'm going to get my nymph. She represents this chapter in my life: strength, freedom, magic, beauty. And, she's going in a new spot. Maybe on my other shoulder. Maybe my bewb. Maybe my ass. Who knows?

Good Day

Today, I feel peaceful. It's a gorgeous, sunny day. The birds are chirping. I'm surrounded by good friends. Kids are behaving (well, so far). We all went to Friendly's last night for ice cream and I got to have a vanilla Coke (Coke with a squirt of vanilla syrup in it). Soooooo yummy!

I am working on the 51st day of not smoking. http://www.flickr.com/photos/28592236@N04/2824417639/
I can't believe that I don't even think about it much anymore. Really, the only thing I think about is the fact that I haven't cheated once. Not once! And for that, I am proud.

Hubby is coming home early today so we can go together to the Princess' walk through at school. And tomorrow morning, he's going in late to see her off to school. Before I left for the weekend, he wasn't going to take the time for this. I go away and suddenly, it's a priority that he's there. I'm glad that he finally decided to go, but I'm upset that it took my going away to make him decide.

He also got me flowers. A token to say that he's happy I'm home. He has bought me flowers exactly four times now. For my 18th birthday, our 5th wedding anniversary (this year), Mother's Day (this year) and now these. In over 15 years, that's it. I know, it's just flowers, but my father-in-law has bought me more flowers than my husband has. It's just the symbolism of them. And it makes me sad of this fact. He knows how much I love fresh flowers and, yet, I don't receive them. I know...whine, whine, whine...want some cheese with that?

It's coming up on 11:30 here. I have done my nails and gotten the kids dressed. Hubby will be home at 2. I need to shower and brush every one's hair before he gets here. I also have to see what's on the menu for tonight and pull what I need out of the freezer. Plus, I promised a short story to someone that I'm working on. Blogging. Drying tears. Posting on forums. Watching NickToons (Spongebob should be on soon). And now, I just realized that I have a meeting for the MOMs club tomorrow morning. And, I'd like to work on some inventory for the shop.

Excuse me while I run around, pulling my hair out and screaming.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silly

So, I'm so overtired from not sleeping this weekend that I feel very silly today.

I don't know why. I slept fine last night.

I guess maybe getting a full night's sleep over the course of three nights really wrecks havoc with a person's head.

Well, that and trying to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

So today, I'm just throwing caution to the wind and being silly!

Home

I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

Going Home

I'm online for about 10 more minutes and then I'm showering and driving home. I miss my babies terribly.

So, we talked on the phone yesterday. He wanted me to come home last night. My mom wasn't home, though, and I didn't want to just leave. So, I stood my ground and stayed here one more night. He wasn't happy. I just don't know which he didn't like more - that I wasn't home or that he couldn't get me to roll over and go home.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I know what I'd like to say, but I would never say that (at least in a calm discussion). I just need to be able to stay strong. I've got people supporting me in whatever decision I make. I've even got offers of places to stay if I need to.

I just need to put my big-girl undies on. It's time to grow up. It's time to see what I've got.

*crosses arms over chest*
*stomps foot*