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I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

What Have I Done Now?

Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?

Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.

I did.

But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.

He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.

Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.

Healthwise

I called my doc the other day after the second insomnia incident. He completely blew me off! Actually had the balls to tell me that Prednisone doesn't have that effect on people. That the emotions I was experiencing was psychosis. That I needed to contact my primary care physician. I took it as, "not my problem, so I'm going to say you're crazy."

So, I took some valerian root, spoke with a pharmacist and went on our road trip. Have been taking sleeping pills since Thursday night. It sucks. The valerian helps with the edginess some, but not entirely. I think I'm now counting to 50 instead of 10 before I lose it. Sometimes, it's hard to take a breath, but I get through it. The sleeping pills leave me groggy the next morning. Which really bites. The sedative has worn off, so I'm awake, but I can't sleep any longer. No matter what I try. I don't know what's worse: not being able to sleep at all, or being exhausted and still not able to sleep.

So, I am now in the market to find a new gastroenterogist. I sent my current doctor a fax yesterday basically telling him off. And to thank him for dismissing me. Haven't heard from him. Wasn't expecting to. I'm just really pissed that he could do that. Here's the fax I sent him:

I just wanted to make you aware that the medicine (Prednisone) that your office prescribed me does, indeed, have side effects such as those that I have been experiencing. I have had severe insomnia, restlessness, and anxiety for about two weeks now. As per the instructions on the medication insert, I contacted my doctor, who told me that it wasn't the medicine. Well, after confirming with a licensed pharmacist, it is the medicine. But, don't worry, I will take care of myself and I will be finding myself a new physician.

Thank you for dismissing me,

Cyndi

Now, what I find disturbing about the whole thing, is that my doctor doesn't even know the side effects of the medicine that he's prescribing. The side effects, straight from the medication insert: Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away: upset stomach, stomach irritation, vomiting, headache, dizziness, insomnia, restlessness, depression, anxiety, acne, increased hair growth, easy bruising, irregular or absent menstrual periods.

Thankfully, I haven't experienced the vomiting, acne or hair growth.

What scares me is that prednisone also lessens your immune system. Yeah, that's right, it decreases your body's ability to fight infection. Um. Aren't I also on an immunosuppresant? Hello? Is this thing on? I'm figuring that I need to construct a bubble with it's own air supply for the next couple of weeks. No contact with anyone. Between the two meds, I probably don't have any white blood cells left. What fun.

I guess I wouldn't mind any of this if I felt that it was actually working. I'm about to take a Percocet. I haven't had to take pain meds for a week. I took some on Sunday. Gritted my teeth yesterday and today, I can't barely move for the pain. This is why I need a new doc - this one doesn't want to hear this. I know I have a partial blockage. I know that. I had this same pain last time. So, finding a new doc is priority today. Yippee. Here we go.

Wish me luck!

Checking In!

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Quickie Update!

OK. Here goes...

Hubby is getting better. He can walk again and he's moving around easier. He goes for a check up after dropping me at the hospital for my test. He's hoping to go back to work on Tuesday! :)

Me...I'm hanging in there. They had to put me on prednisone for the pain since I was still in quite a bit of pain on Friday. It's getting better, but am still needing the pain killer to deal.

Tomorrow is my EGD. I'm terrified. But, it's just to check on my ulcer, so all should be good.

That's it for now...gotta log off. Will write more on Tuesday!