That's how I feel right now.
I'm very angry at myself for not being stronger last night. I allowed him to manipulate me once again. I allowed him to move the fault around and place it entirely on me. So now, I'm sitting here, beating myself up over it.
I left a message for the therapist telling her I wanted to make an appointment for myself and for us both.
I can't live like this. I don't think it's the medicine. Because I keep coming around to this: that I'm not truly happy.
As I raise a glass to my new life (and wherever the winds may take me), please help me gain the strength to do this. I know I've got it, just have to find it.
Showing posts with label fault. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fault. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What Have I Done Now?
Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?
Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.
I did.
But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.
He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.
Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.
Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.
I did.
But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.
He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.
Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.
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