Shedding

When do you start shedding the ghosts of your past?

I am so accustomed to being a certain way to make people happy that I'm afraid to be anything else. I feel I should just clasp my hands together and bow. No spoken word, just do as I'm told. As its been for many years. I don't remember what its like not to have that.

When does this stop?

I want to bad to tell someone to fuck off or shut the hell up. I'm too afraid to say this, though. Why? What's the worst that happens? Someone gets mad at me? Well, there's something new. Why am I afraid of someone being angry at me?

I've grown so much over the past year. This is the one obstacle that I can't seem to overcome. And now it threatens what makes me happy. It threatens my present and future relationships. How can one relationship make a person feel this way? I don't understand.

I need these ghosts to go away and leave me be.

Flat

That's how I feel right now.

I'm very angry at myself for not being stronger last night. I allowed him to manipulate me once again. I allowed him to move the fault around and place it entirely on me. So now, I'm sitting here, beating myself up over it.

I left a message for the therapist telling her I wanted to make an appointment for myself and for us both.

I can't live like this. I don't think it's the medicine. Because I keep coming around to this: that I'm not truly happy.

As I raise a glass to my new life (and wherever the winds may take me), please help me gain the strength to do this. I know I've got it, just have to find it.

I HATE THIS DISEASE

First off, I must say (picture hearing a seething voice, through gritted teeth),

"I hate this fucking disease."

I hate the fucking pain that's associated with it.

My husband was trying to say good bye to me before he left for work. Lately, he gets a bit frisky to make me think of him during the day (I do that anyway, I don't need the friskiness, although it is nice). So, this morning, he pushed down a little too hard on my belly. I saw stars. He quickly got up and practically ran out the door with barely an "I love you".

I fucking hate it. No one deserves this. He doesn't deserve it. My kids deserve a mommy that's not sick.

Even on medicine, I still get sick. True, the flares are longer in between, but they still come. Then, this feeling comes on again.

I'm not doing a pity me sch peal. I'm just venting. One needs to do that. And I apologize for the strong language.

I first got sick at age 17. I'm 33 now. I've had two hospitalizations. I've had two blood transfusions. The first transfusion later almost made me lose my pregnancy with my son because of some really rare antigen in it. I miss out on so much because I get too sick to partake in anything. I will have this for the rest of my life. There is no cure; only maintenance. Fucking great.

And, now to be shunned by my husband.

I fucking hate this disease.