Cat's Out of the Bag

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

What Have I Done Now?

Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?

Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.

I did.

But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.

He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.

Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.

What Sucks About the Internet

You can't get your point across correctly. Ever. All there are are words. There's never emotions. And people don't look at the emoticons you post.

Some try to post something tongue in cheek. Another reads what was posted, takes it the wrong way and goes on the defense. The original poster then needs to go back, explain themselves and apologize for offending the person that didn't understand what was written.

Sometimes, I feel as though a disclosure should be typed before any joking goes on: "Please be advised, what I'm about to type is meant as a joke and nothing more. Please don't read into it and please do not be offended by it. Thanks."

Sometimes, I try to be really light in my wording. Just so people can get that I'm only playing. I know the emotion I'm feeling while I'm typing. It's just really difficult to get that emotion across with just words. So, I try to add a smiley face. But that doesn't always work.

Maybe what needs to happen is this: people need to relax. What I type may not be your opinion or how you feel. Why does one feel the need to attack another for lack of agreeing with them?