Why?

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

What Sucks About the Internet

You can't get your point across correctly. Ever. All there are are words. There's never emotions. And people don't look at the emoticons you post.

Some try to post something tongue in cheek. Another reads what was posted, takes it the wrong way and goes on the defense. The original poster then needs to go back, explain themselves and apologize for offending the person that didn't understand what was written.

Sometimes, I feel as though a disclosure should be typed before any joking goes on: "Please be advised, what I'm about to type is meant as a joke and nothing more. Please don't read into it and please do not be offended by it. Thanks."

Sometimes, I try to be really light in my wording. Just so people can get that I'm only playing. I know the emotion I'm feeling while I'm typing. It's just really difficult to get that emotion across with just words. So, I try to add a smiley face. But that doesn't always work.

Maybe what needs to happen is this: people need to relax. What I type may not be your opinion or how you feel. Why does one feel the need to attack another for lack of agreeing with them?