Why?

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

On Becoming a Caregiver

I've been caring for my children for five years. But that's expected of a mom. I tended to Xman for 16 years. But, I wouldn't consider that being a "caregiver". No, what I am referring to is how one person takes care of an ill person.

Usually, I am the one having to be taken care of. Now, I don't normally allow someone else to take care of me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my illness. I just need that proverbial kick in the ass to keep myself well and in remission (which, knock wood, has been for a while now). I now have someone in my life who needs that kick at times.

Finn is diabetic. He is insulin dependent. If his sugars get low, he can go into seizures. Well, he had one of those the other morning. And it scared me. It scared me that all I could do was sit there and wait it out (I have since researched stuff I can do to help). I didn't panic. I stayed calm. But I hated that helpless feeling.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. I now understand what people feel when I'm sick. When there's nothing they can do to help the pain. How they have to sit back and watch as I cry because there's nothing left to do but cry. How they wish they could fix what was wrong.

I wish I could fix Finn's illness. I wish he didn't have to stick himself everyday, check his sugars every couple of hours, give himself shots. In my world, no one would be sick. I read updates to a friend's wife's illness. I see what he goes through. We give each other insight as to what the caregiver and ill one goes through. But, it's nothing like actually going through it.

And I wish that none of us had to go through this.