What Have I Done Now?

Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?

Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.

I did.

But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.

He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.

Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.

It's Not Easy

I haven't stopped thinking about the decisions I need to make. This isn't an easy time right now. And it's made more difficult with someone who is still devoted to you.

I don't want to give off the wrong idea. I love him. I truly do. And I'm comfortable with our life. But, I don't know that I want to be just comfortable. I know, having someone who is like a favorite pair of sweat pants is great. I know he'll always be here. I know he'll always fit me.

But, doesn't a person deserve more than just comfort?

And, I'm not talking Cinderella and Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I gave up on the fairy tale years ago. I know that there's no glass slipper, no castle, no white horse. I know that the butterflies fade after time. But doesn't a person deserve someone who shares more than a few interests? Or, for that matter, someone who shares more of the interests that they do?

Understanding

I used to have a lot of anger toward my mom. Not any more.

When I was 15, we moved from my hometown in New Hampshire. I was really upset about that. I had a wonderful group of friends, I was just about to enter high school as a sophomore. We were going to rule the school, our little group. But, Daddy got laid off. The only job he could find clear across the country in Tacoma, Washington. He had found out and left in January of 1990, but Mom and I stayed behind so I could finish my freshman year with my friends.

A few months after we got out to Tacoma in August of that year, Mom went back to New Hampshire to sign papers on the house. While there, she met one of her friends for drinks. Well, it turned out that this friend was male and that they were in love with each other. When she returned home, she made the announcement that she would be divorcing Daddy and she and I were moving back East.

Um. What?

So, that started the anger. In January of 1991 (three days before I was to get my license at 16), we packed up and moved to New Jersey. I was really angry now. I started my new school and never quite fit in. Everyone had their own cliques and I was excluded. This continued until I decided in my senior year to drop out. I was bored anyway. I was understanding the curriculum before the rest of my class; I felt I could be at least earning money for my time. So, during Spring Break, I went and took my GED tests. By the time my class graduated, I had my own apartment and a full-time job as a bookkeeper.

Fast forward to now.

She and I had talked about what she felt when she decided to divorce Daddy. I didn't understand at the time how she could've done that to him. How she could've been so selfish to think of her needs and desires. She told me about how Daddy didn't enjoy the same things she did. She liked going out, to the theatre, movies, anywhere. He didn't.

Guess what? I understand all that now. I'm exactly where she was all those years ago. It's very odd. I know what decision she made.

I wonder what decision I'm going to make.

Medicine, A Decision and Thoughts

So, with just a little over a week left on the prednisone, the heartburn has set in to stay for the duration. Fourth day now. And it's bad. Can't lie down. Can't sit up. Maybe if I stand on my head, that'll work. Hmmm, maybe not, because then gravity would help the acid go into my esophagus. For now, I'm taking Zantac 150mg twice a day. Did my doc tell me to? No. But I need some relief and I know he'll tell me it's not the medicine. I am also looking into herbal pain relievers. Have found a few that are supposed to be as effective as prescriptions. They are white willow bark, boswellia and passionflower. Still reading up on them before I go to the store to get some. Oh, and the sleeping pills are losing effectiveness as well. Only 4 hours last night. Gonna be real interesting the next week.

My decision? I'm going to reopen my shop. Very soon. I've been posting in the forum for a few months now. I'm jealous that others are being able to share their art. I'm tired of being pushed down. I'm ready to burst and I have no where to release that. Even if I don't sell anything, I'll be happy that I'm at least sharing. I know what the economy is like right now. But, I also know that the holidays are soon arriving and if I don't get in now, I'll be in trouble. So, keep an eye out for me....

Thoughts? This one, I had some help from my mom on. She and I had a very lengthy phone call yesterday. See, I'm going through what she went through almost 20 years ago. I think I've come to a major decision about my life, and I needed to talk to someone. Someone who would know. Mom knows (don't Moms know everything?).

I told her that I've realized that I don't think Hubby will ever come and emotionally support me the way I need him to. I need someone who will encourage me, challenge me, go to the theatre with me (without complaining), listen to the symphony, not look at me with three heads when I want to purchase "The Chronicles of Narnia" (yes, this happened the other day). In other words, have more interests like mine. I have realized that a lot of the hobbies I have are because of Hubby. I like them because I want him to like me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what we do together, but I want so much more.

I deserve more. I'm sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting. Don't I deserve someone also sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting? Don't get me wrong, Hubby is all those things, but not in the way that I need. I want someone who understands my need to go to McDonald's this week and purchase Kids' Meals (uh, Star Wars toys anyone?). I need someone who understands that I need a creative outlet. Hubby will never understand that. I love Hubby desperately, but neither of us deserve this.

I'm scared of what's next. I haven't made a permanent decision yet (although, I'm well on my way). Mom suggested I make an appointment with our therapist for just me. I think that's a great idea. Funny thing is, I'm OK with what's going through my head. I feel a peace washing over me that I haven't had in years. Maybe this is my time now. Maybe I can finally do things my way. On my own (well, me and my babies anyway).

And you know what? I'm OK with this.

Crying

Ever feel like crying? Like the world as you know it is crashing down around you and you have nothing left but tears?

That's where I am now.

I am at a crossroad right now. I am standing here, wondering which road I take. Do I take the one and keep going as I have been? Do I turn to the left, come clean and hope everything works out for the best? Do I turn right and venture life on my own?

If I continue straight, I feel as though I may live the rest of my life in a lie. I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to the ones I love.

If I turn left, I'll feel cleansed, but terrible. I'll crush the one person that's counting on me right now.

If I turn right, I don't know what the future would hold. I'd be alone. With two children in tow.

I feel so alone right now. I have friends. But I don't know that I can talk about this. I dream of better days. Of feeling what I used to feel. But, I have a feeling that it's too late. So, it's either the left or right roads.

Because, there's no going back now.