It's Over

Have you had that moment when you just knew it wasn't going to work anymore? That it wasn't worth trying anymore?

I felt it this morning.

I was willing to speak to the therapist to find out how I may work through what I've been feeling. What I've been thinking.

We had some words last night. He accused me of some stuff. Saying good bye to him this morning, I felt nothing. And, all I felt was sadness from him. He didn't even tell me he loved me. Usually, he can't leave the house without saying that.

It's over.

I feel sad because he has been a part of my life for so long. I'm scared because I don't know what life holds. I'm excited because I don't know what life holds.

Raise a glass and wish me luck!

Medicine, A Decision and Thoughts

So, with just a little over a week left on the prednisone, the heartburn has set in to stay for the duration. Fourth day now. And it's bad. Can't lie down. Can't sit up. Maybe if I stand on my head, that'll work. Hmmm, maybe not, because then gravity would help the acid go into my esophagus. For now, I'm taking Zantac 150mg twice a day. Did my doc tell me to? No. But I need some relief and I know he'll tell me it's not the medicine. I am also looking into herbal pain relievers. Have found a few that are supposed to be as effective as prescriptions. They are white willow bark, boswellia and passionflower. Still reading up on them before I go to the store to get some. Oh, and the sleeping pills are losing effectiveness as well. Only 4 hours last night. Gonna be real interesting the next week.

My decision? I'm going to reopen my shop. Very soon. I've been posting in the forum for a few months now. I'm jealous that others are being able to share their art. I'm tired of being pushed down. I'm ready to burst and I have no where to release that. Even if I don't sell anything, I'll be happy that I'm at least sharing. I know what the economy is like right now. But, I also know that the holidays are soon arriving and if I don't get in now, I'll be in trouble. So, keep an eye out for me....

Thoughts? This one, I had some help from my mom on. She and I had a very lengthy phone call yesterday. See, I'm going through what she went through almost 20 years ago. I think I've come to a major decision about my life, and I needed to talk to someone. Someone who would know. Mom knows (don't Moms know everything?).

I told her that I've realized that I don't think Hubby will ever come and emotionally support me the way I need him to. I need someone who will encourage me, challenge me, go to the theatre with me (without complaining), listen to the symphony, not look at me with three heads when I want to purchase "The Chronicles of Narnia" (yes, this happened the other day). In other words, have more interests like mine. I have realized that a lot of the hobbies I have are because of Hubby. I like them because I want him to like me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what we do together, but I want so much more.

I deserve more. I'm sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting. Don't I deserve someone also sexy, smart, creative, funny, interesting? Don't get me wrong, Hubby is all those things, but not in the way that I need. I want someone who understands my need to go to McDonald's this week and purchase Kids' Meals (uh, Star Wars toys anyone?). I need someone who understands that I need a creative outlet. Hubby will never understand that. I love Hubby desperately, but neither of us deserve this.

I'm scared of what's next. I haven't made a permanent decision yet (although, I'm well on my way). Mom suggested I make an appointment with our therapist for just me. I think that's a great idea. Funny thing is, I'm OK with what's going through my head. I feel a peace washing over me that I haven't had in years. Maybe this is my time now. Maybe I can finally do things my way. On my own (well, me and my babies anyway).

And you know what? I'm OK with this.