Just Say It All Ready!

I wish I could. I don't understand why I can't. I know I want to. But something is holding me back. Could it be fear? Maybe that's all...I'm afraid of the fallout from saying something and appearing too needy? I don't think that's the word I'm looking for.

Even though I believe that what I want to say would be reciprocated, I'm still scared. I don't understand why, though. I'm trying to live life as it comes with little fear, but still.

ARGH!!!!!!!

I just wish that the next time I was asked "what?", I could answer truthfully, knowing that my answer would be reciprocated. Instead of just saying "nothing".

It's Going to be OK

Yeah.

I think it is.

I went out for a few hours just by myself last night. I parked down by the river, watched as the river raced past. Watched the lights of the town dance on its surface. With music playing and notebook in hand, I wrote. I wrote down what was in my head and my heart. I haven't done that in a while.

And you know what? It felt good. Awesome even.

By the time I found my way home, I was in much higher spirits. I'm still scared as hell, but I'm more comfortable with what happened and what was said. And I realized that it's OK to be scared.

Life is a roller coaster.

And I get to ride it with a new love and awesome friends. ;P

Frightened

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

It's Over

Have you had that moment when you just knew it wasn't going to work anymore? That it wasn't worth trying anymore?

I felt it this morning.

I was willing to speak to the therapist to find out how I may work through what I've been feeling. What I've been thinking.

We had some words last night. He accused me of some stuff. Saying good bye to him this morning, I felt nothing. And, all I felt was sadness from him. He didn't even tell me he loved me. Usually, he can't leave the house without saying that.

It's over.

I feel sad because he has been a part of my life for so long. I'm scared because I don't know what life holds. I'm excited because I don't know what life holds.

Raise a glass and wish me luck!