Bleh

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

What Have I Done Now?

Really bad night last night. I thought the roller coaster of emotions would start to even out soon. I'm almost completely tapered off the prednisone. Shouldn't the edginess and sleeplessness be going back to normal?

Hubby got home from work and we fought the entire night. And when I say we fought, I mean I actually tried to kick him out last night.

I did.

But, then he turned it around, made me think twice about what I was doing and I brushed it off to the medicine. He's still here (well, at work now), I'm still here. We're still one big happy fucking family.

He's good at that. Turning things around on me. Making it seem like it's all my fault. Making me think that it is. When I told him yesterday afternoon that I wanted to go to my brother's, he asked why? Um, because it's my brother? He happened to be getting yelled at at the time and said he'd call me back. Well, he did call me back and complained about his job. Never asked how I felt. He blamed it on being in shock. Then he tried to blame his rudeness on talking to someone else. This came out about eight hours after the fact.

Maybe all these feelings I've been having is the medicine. I'm still taking valarien root during the day and sleeping pills at night. Between the prednisone, valarien and sleeping pills, that's got to be doing a number on my head. I haven't made any kind of decision yet, although last night came awfully close.

Oh, I forgot to mention, he broke the screen on my laptop by slamming his fist down on it. Luckily, the laptop itself still works and I'm using the screen from my PC in the basement. Great.