Bleh

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

Going Home

So, here I sit, the last evening before packing the Explorer up and heading back North. 

I really don't want to go, but, real life must begin again.

I have had the most wonderful time. Suesue is a most gracious hostess and her daughter is such a sweetheart. 

We had our show on Saturday. Unfortunately, the sponsor didn't set up properly and no patrons came our way, so we ended up not selling a red cent. But, I didn't think it was such a big deal. After some rain first thing in the morning, the weather cleared and we ended up having a beautiful day, weather wise. On the way back to Sue's, we stopped to pick up fixings for dinner and I made them Jambalaya. We then watched Nim's Island. After the girls went to bed, I stayed up to finish a job application. Then turned in from exhaustion.

Today, Sue had to work. Her daughter went to church with Sue's mom and I just relaxed in the quiet. It was actually kinda nice. Got some pics uploaded, started to apply for some temporary employment (which, I've already got a lead! Now, if I only remember what I did with my resume). Watched some Monty Python and Dr. Who (finally). When Sue got home, she made lasagna, which was really good! Then we watched Made of Honor. Now, the girls went to bed and I'm still up, enjoying the quiet once again.

Later this morning, I asked Sue to get me up so I could say good bye to her and her daughter. That's in about five hours. I really don't want to leave. Sue has made me feel very much at home here. We get along famously, like we've known each other forever. But, I do have my babies to go home to and a life of my own to start. I'll be back, I just know it.

Besides, I'm already planning on stowing away in the trunk of her car when she does her road trip to her sister's in Missouri around Christmas. :)

Tired

I am so tired. Emotionally. Physically.

So much to do. And now, my mother just kicked me out. I think. Well, she told me to go home.

I can't go home. He won't let me. I have no place to live. I have no money. I've got my car! I just want my kids. But I can't even have them as I have no way to provide for them.

I realize that I have made the choices that have led me to this place. I just didn't realize I'd be so alone.

Home

I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

Going Home

I'm online for about 10 more minutes and then I'm showering and driving home. I miss my babies terribly.

So, we talked on the phone yesterday. He wanted me to come home last night. My mom wasn't home, though, and I didn't want to just leave. So, I stood my ground and stayed here one more night. He wasn't happy. I just don't know which he didn't like more - that I wasn't home or that he couldn't get me to roll over and go home.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I know what I'd like to say, but I would never say that (at least in a calm discussion). I just need to be able to stay strong. I've got people supporting me in whatever decision I make. I've even got offers of places to stay if I need to.

I just need to put my big-girl undies on. It's time to grow up. It's time to see what I've got.

*crosses arms over chest*
*stomps foot*