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I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

Doctor Update

A recap: Very painful Crohn's flareup right now. Had to go to the doc on Friday afternoon. Here's what happened...

So, he confirmed that yes, indeed, I'm flaring up. Duh. So, he gives me medicine. First one: 500 mg of Pentasa, two pills, twice a day. Second one: three mg of Endocort, three pills, once a day. He then gave me Vicodin for the pain until the other stuff kicks in (so far, not happening). I now have to call the office this week and set up and appointment for my Remicade infusion. And, I have to go get an endoscope next Monday.


What's that? An endoscope? But I thought Crohn's was in the intestines...doesn't an endoscope go through the mouth?


Yes, an endoscope. Yes, my Crohn's is in my ileum. Yes, an endoscope goes down in to the stomach through the mouth.


It turns out that the last time I was hospitalized (December 2006), they performed both a colonscopy and endoscope. During the endoscope, they discovered that I have an ulcer. An ulcer! Can't ever imagine why!? So, the doc wants to go in and see how that ulcer is doing. Of course, he makes it sound so easy. In the meantime, this is what I have to do:


Hubby has to take a day off work. I need someone to take me to the hospital and drive me home after. There also needs to be someone home to watch the kids. Hubby will do that, maybe bring them to the park or something for a couple of hours. I have to starve myself starting midnight the night before. That means no coffee on Monday. NO COFFEE. My appointment isn't until 11:30! Thank goodness they give me good drugs, otherwise, the migraine that is going to ensue from no coffee will kill me. Once I am home, I will be so out of it. It should prove for some funny stuff. Too bad we don't have a video camera. They will also probably do a biopsy. No reason why, they just like to cut tissue while they're in there just in case. I don't have cancer. I think they just like to cut and make it hurt.


So, this is my life right now. Popping pills, laying in bed, feeling bad because I don't have the energy to take my kids down the street to the park. It's enough to make dinner or load the dishwasher. I do my best, but sometimes, it doesn't feel good