I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.
I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.
I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...
Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.
I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!
But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.
So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?