Whatthefuckever

I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

Whatthefuckever.

Holiday Season

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?

Tired

I am so tired. Emotionally. Physically.

So much to do. And now, my mother just kicked me out. I think. Well, she told me to go home.

I can't go home. He won't let me. I have no place to live. I have no money. I've got my car! I just want my kids. But I can't even have them as I have no way to provide for them.

I realize that I have made the choices that have led me to this place. I just didn't realize I'd be so alone.