Never Imagined...

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

How Do You Know...

How do you know if what you feel is truly real? How do you know what is real?

I know I'm real. I know my kids are real. I know that kind of stuff. I'm talking about your feelings. How do you know that they're real?

They say that some people think with their heart and some with their heads. Um, hello? The heart is a muscle; it has no receptors in order to think and feel. Your brain is the one that thinks. It just depends on which side, left or right, that is doing the thinking.

I mean, seriously. How do you know if you're in love with someone? Does it make your heart race? Do your palms sweat? Does your tummy do flip flops? Possibly.

What does it mean when you don't feel that anymore? If you haven't felt that in a long time?

What does that mean?

Actually, I'm a little scared of the answer....