Never Imagined...

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

Strong

I'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.

For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away.

And took my heart with him.

Its a week today.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.

I miss him.

I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.

We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.

Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.

I love you.