Never Imagined...

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

A Toast To Memories

These friends I spoke of before...

One of them brought up something that brought us together back in March. March! March 6th to be exact. All because there was too much TMI in the forums that day.

Who would've thought that today, exactly four months and 19 days, we'd still be talking. Some of us have even text each other and spoken on the phone! Others have met in real life!

There has been love and laughter. A lot of hugs and kisses.

Some of us have had to change our screen names (won't say why, not even in my diary). Some have opened new shops. Had big changes in their lives.

And yet, we all still come together. In one spot. To "talk" and laugh and be silly and even cry sometimes. Still, after all this time.

To this, I raise my margarita in one hand and my glass of box o' wine in the other.