Took a Ginormous Leap

So much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...

I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.

I moved.

I took a ginormous leap and moved.

And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.

I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.

Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.

Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now.

I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.

And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled.

So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together.

So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another.

I lucked out.

I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995

First Weekend of Spring

I get to spend the first weekend of the season of renewal with my children. What better way to celebrate the new season than with the fresh faces of my babies.

Last night, I picked them up from daycare and we went to McDonald's where we ate and they played for a while. We went shopping after to pick up a few things and get the Little Man a little something for his birthday. Princess picked out her bathing suit for the summer (which looks adorable). Today, we picked up some milk and mac n cheese at the store and then went bowling. Dinner was hot dogs with mac n cheese. Gotta love children.

Tomorrow should prove to be fun. It's supposed to be near 60 and sunny tomorrow so I figured we'd go to the park. They don't know yet, though...it's my little surprise for them. I can't wait to see their little faces when I tell them we're going. Maybe I'll even make fluffernutters and we'll picnic at the park. There's plenty of tables and such or I even have a blanket in the car.

Of course, to make this weekend over-the-top perfect (not that it's not perfect already)? Just need one more person...

*sigh*

Fly By Night

OK. Another perfect song. Possibly the most appropriate yet. Even better? It was released the year I was born!

Airport scurry flurry faces
Parade of passers by
People going many places
With a smile or just a sigh
Waiting waiting pass the time
Another cigarette
Get in line - gate thirty-nine
The time is not here yet (end)

Why try? I know why
The feeling inside me says its time I was gone
Clear head, new life ahead
I want to be king now not just one more pawn

Fly by night, away from here
Change my life again
Fly by night goodbye my dear
My ship isnt coming and I just cant pretend

Moon rise, thoughtful eyes
Staring back at me from the window beside
No fright or hindsight
Leaving behind that empty feeling inside

Start a new chapter
Find what I'm after
It's changing every day
The change of a season
Is enough of a reason
To want to get away

Quiet and pensive
My thoughts apprehensive
The hours drift away
Leaving my homeland
Playing a lone hand
My life begins today

Rush, "Fly By Night", Fly By Night, 1975

I Am Ballet

Perfect!!!!

You Are Ballet

You are quite introverted. You enjoy keeping to yourself and cultivating your talents. You are dedicated and focused. If practice makes perfect, you're willing to keep practicing. While some people may dismiss you as boring, you can be quite edgy and interesting. You can fit in almost anywhere... and your style ranges from conservative to funky.

What Dance Are You?