Took a Ginormous Leap

So much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...

I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.

I moved.

I took a ginormous leap and moved.

And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.

I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.

Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.

Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now.

I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.

And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled.

So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together.

So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another.

I lucked out.

I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.

Uruz

So, I have thought more about this branding, or scarification, that I have been introduced to. I think I really want to have one done. Something different. Something to mark the new beginnings in my life.

This is the symbol I want: http://www.mystic-mouse.co.uk/Runes/Uruz.htm

The meaning is: "The strength to break through and move on. Ur is a sign of new beginnings, a time to shake off the past and to take advantage of new opportunities. Remember before each new beginning must come an ending and endings can be an emotional time but know that, ultimately, it will be to your benefit.

Live each day to its fullest, knowing that from every ending comes new life. Do whatever it takes to succeed and seize each moment so you will never come to regret missed chances.

A favourable time for high risk ventures."

Everything in my life right now is proof that I can break through and move on. I am embarking on a new beginning. I am trying to hard to seize each moment of every day. With these new beginnings come sacrifices. This is the emotional aspect.

I believe I will have this placed either above my left breast or on the upper part of my left arm since either place is close to my heart. Yes, I know it will hurt like hell. But, there is no moving on without some sort of pain. And the pain will remind me of the sacrifice. And the symbol will remind me of my new life.

Yes, this is something I want to do.

Scarification

http://www.bmezine.com/scar/scar-faq.html

A guy that I work with (and have gone out with a couple of times now) has brandings. They are symbols with different meanings. I don't know what meanings they are yet, but I will find out over time.

I have never met someone who has had this done. Generally, my friends have had tattoos and/or piercings. I, myself, have five tattoos and eight piercings (including my ears). I am itching for another tattoo and have started thinking about another piercing. And now my curiosity is piqued regarding branding.

I understand that throughout history, it has been used in a variety of situations from slaves to fraternities. The Nazis used it in the camps. But, it is also a legitimate form of voluntary body modification and self-expression. There are several techniques for scarification, but the one I'm interested in learning about is branding. This is the one done with heating up a metal shape and burning it into your skin.

To me, this does not sound comfortable.

But, then again, piercings and tattoos aren't exactly a walk in the park. And I'm getting more of them done.

I guess that like any other form of body modification, branding has special meaning for each symbol or picture. I know my tats have special meaning for me. Each one its own story. I'm sure that branding or cutting is the same.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and get branded. Um....no thanks. But, for the sake of my new friend, I'd like to learn more about this.

If nothing else, I'll be more educated!