Sacrifice

Not human or animal. Jeez.

I'm talking about sacrifice of the soul.

I think so often about the crap I'm going through right now. Emerging from my cuccoon. I can feel the shreds of my former self falling away. I can feel the old me coming through.

Lately, though, it's been really difficult. I've been stumbling. In a way, I think this is because of the new feelings in my heart.

I didn't expect Finn to drop into my life. I know, everything happens for a reason. He's meant to be here with me. I get that. What I don't get is why now? Why fall in love? Is he here to help me on my journey? Maybe that's it. Because he has helped me. He helps me all the time. By caring. By listening. By being there. And, of course, making me laugh and feel special is just icing on the cake. And the least I can do is return all that he gives to me by giving him the same from me. He tells me I'm too good to him. In all fairness, he's way too good to me. :)

But, in all seriousness...I don't ask myself anymore if I'm worth it. I know I am. I'm worth making my life my own. I'm worth taking the reins and controlling it again. Yes, I still get upset by what Exman says (he gets so hurtful at times). But I'm finding that I don't get upset for the length of time that I used to. I don't shed tears over what he says anymore. I'm realizing that they're just words. He's lashing out as his control slips. I know who I am. I know what I am. Am I a bitch for that? Quite possibly. But no one seems to think so.

And, honestly, I don't care if I'm thought of as a bitch. Why are strong women considered bitches? I'm not stomping on anyone. There is no bloodbath. There are no bodies. Some fires, but those were set for fun. I'm just living day by day.

There is no telling there will be a tomorrow.

A Butterfly

I was described as a butterfly today. A butterfly that had been losing her color by being held tight in a cocoon not of my own making. And that I could never be trapped like that and be happy. That I needed someone to open the cocoon and allow the light to hit my wings and bring the colors forth.

And you know what? It's happening.

I have a very dear friend who has opened that cocoon and made me realize that I am still beautiful and smart and creative. I had forgotten that over the years. I had lost myself. Now that the light is starting to shine again, I can't help but shed the metaphorical cocoon. I can't help be giddy as I flit from flower to flower, tasting their sweet nectar.

I don't know where the wind will carry me, but I'm looking forward to the ride.